The History Books got it Wrong!

I love history. 

Not necessarily the memorizing of dates… I’ve never been too good at that part. But oh, the stories that took place in real time, that’s what I love.  Even the movies that are based off a true story, seem more powerful because it really happened to real people. 

I guess the one thing I don’t like is what the history books choose to highlight as the significant events that make up history.  Oh. My. Goodness. If History is defined as the study of past events affecting human affairs – thousands of years worth of events could be on the table for the picking.  And what do we get in our abridged collection… wars, governments, movements, inventions, discoveries, similar periods of thought or progression, a few key personalities, etc.  I suppose those were chosen because they appear to have been the greatest influence for change on humankind.  

Although, I can’t help but wonder if the textbook writers got it wrong. 

I get how, for the sake of space and interest, they wanted to choose items that seemed unique in nature and appearing to alter the course that mankind was pursuing.  You know, the superman syndrome, where one aspires to greatness and stands out above the masses, becoming a temporary God of society.   After all, we believe in the power of one or the impact of small movements.  Though I would venture that there was something even more significant than the Roman Empire conquering other nations.  Even more notable than the printing press or discovering America.  Even more important than the Constitution or the “Origin of Species”.  Even greater influence than classical thinking or the feudal systems.  Even more newsworthy than Pharaohs, Kings, and Emperors.  Even more remarkable than the romantic period of arts. 

Was it Ralph Waldo Emerson who penned the phrase, "There is no history, only biography".

I believe the greatest influence in the lives of mankind is really only a small but simple thing, done by millions across the world for generations.  The singing of lullabies, the shaping of characters, the nurturing of souls that happens within the homes of every human being.  Done by the masses (with a few exceptions) yet done on an individual basis.  This ministering to the one, or the lack thereof, has had more impact on society and mankind than all those other history facts combined.  That’s a pretty audacious statement and it may not be completely accurate, though it does emphasize just how important the role of each mother and father has on the world.  It doesn’t affect just the one child, but the world at large.

A mother’s teaching and the woman’s nature has the ability to define the moral standing on society.  A father’s protecting of women and attitude about work possesses the capacity of defining the chivalrous expectations on society.  Granted, it’s not just one man or one woman’s contribution that makes all the difference, but united it does.  Unity is the key to bring about the changes and demonstrate the influences on human happenings. 

So although I understand why history is recorded as it is, the real history is taking place right now in our individual homes, each man and each woman, fulfilling their God-given role, is impacting the whole of human affairs.  We are, each of us, that superman hero that saves humanity. 

Identity Crisis

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I’m having an identity Crisis!

(And I don’t mean the one that occurred as my children transitioned to the public schools while my life’s work of home-education came to screeching halt.)

As long as I can remember, I have been taught that I am a child of God.  I learned it from my parents as we had family home evening and read from the scriptures.  I learned it in primary as the leaders went to great lengths to plant those seeds of faith in our young minds.  I learned it as society at large (although subtle, it was still there) had references to mankind being created in the image of God and through the lineage of Adam and Eve.  I learned it myself as I received the confirmation from the Holy Spirit whenever I heard these and other witnesses of this truth.  Prophets, seminary teachers, good neighbors, local ward members.  Everywhere is this underlining knowledge that there is a God and he is my Father. 

And to be honest, I thought I believed it.

That is until I realized that maybe I didn’t. 

If I truly believed that the great Elohim was my daddy – my life would be very different.  I wouldn’t have contradictory beliefs that I am not worthy or not enough or not valuable.  I wouldn’t even consider statements that appear to contradict this (or other divine truths) as carrying any weight at all.  There would be no addictions or character weaknesses.  My potential wouldn’t be viewed as limited nor would I struggle with scarcity mentality.  My religious experience would be rich and meaningful, never simply going through the motions.  I wouldn’t allow others, or myself, to treat me with disrespect. My self-talk would be positive, encouraging, and centered in truth.  And I wouldn’t feel trials and hardships are an injustice being played on me, nor would I ever feel abandoned or alone. 

Some might say that is simply part of the earthly, mortal experience.  I say it is simply a by-product of my lack of faith. No wonder the Savior said “Oh ye of little Faith”.   I have had faith to receive the witness of this truth and faith to profess it myself though maybe not enough faith to carry it over into application internally. 

The Vicar's view

My daddy IS the Great King and father of all Creation.  I AM worthy.  I AM enough.  I AM priceless.  My needs are met (no need for addiction) and I live a principled and virtuous life.  I have limitless potential and thrive in abundance.  I connect and am aligned with my daddy’s will, my Savior’s atonement, and my family’s hearts.  I embrace growth opportunities to become like him and I know He is always there. 

I’m confident that as I choose to increase my faith in this truth – I AM A CHILD OF GOD and increase my understanding of the nature of God as well as my own true eternal nature, then my identity crisis will be over and I can apply what I know to be true.

Really . . . ?

"It's a great movie.  You're gonna love it!"

I'd heard that from several people and so I was prepared to be wow'd when I finally got the opportunity to go.  With a title like "Murder on the Orient Express", I assumed it might have something to do with a murder on a train.  I was not disappointed.

And I followed along the mystery pretty well.  Okay, I have to admit (even though I didn't have my children with me) I kept guessing what was said.  Yes, I'm at the stage of life where I hear better when the subtitles are on.  But for the most part, I knew the jist of what was going on in the detective's investigation.  I clued into that every suspect was just as likely as the next to be the murderer and it was a conundrum for him.  I didn't go so far as to draw my own conclusion  because I knew it would be revealed long before I would have a chance at logically deducing the winner - or in this case, the loser.

And then it happened.  The climatic moment when the unexpected was revealed.  The true identities of the passengers was disclosed as well as their connection to the man murdered.  It was impressive the wide spectrum of people whose lives were affected by one incident.  Yep, one life has a major influence on so many others. 

As the concept was sinking in, I was surprised.  I was confused.  I was disappointed.  And then . . .  I was empty. I couldn't put my finger on what was going on inside me but I knew this movie was discussion worthy and I couldn't wait for the ride home.

In that discussion, it was pointed out that this was a group effort of premeditated murder.  A staged farce to bring about a revenge.  Not one person who was affected by this evil man, had the courage to not be part of such an extremely dangerous plan.  Even with the detective on board, they weren't deterred from their dishonorable intentions.  Everyone was so focused on their individual pain, that they were willing to put their own lives at risk rather than to pursue legal means.  They really felt their intentions were honorable.  Everyone of them entered into a secret combination to murder and not tell others about it in order to get what they wanted.   Needless to say, I was not impressed with the moral caliber of these people.

And then to add insult to injury, the personification of justice, the detective who unveiled all their lies and foul play . . .  joined their combination and became an accomplice to their crime.  Talk about compassion gone sour.  The combined effort of the passengers to murder a man is portrayed as the victims of crime and not the monstrous deed that it was.  Yes it is more than unfortunate for the injustice that was done to them by this man.  Yes the pain they experienced was real.  But that doesn't discredit the fact that the actions they did was every bit as foul as what the child thief did.  I get that one wrong doesn't make it right.  And two wrongs don't make it right.  So let's throw a third one in there by silencing justice altogether.  Geesh. 

There is no sorrow for their act.  No pleading for mercy or desiring to make restitution.  No accountability at all.  As if the wrong they had received was all the justification they needed to change the definition of what was right and wrong.

It was pointed out that this movie was a broken story.  Where the bad wins in the end.  And it was all done with sympathy and compassion for the perpetrators.  I remember I had that same sick feeling in my gut when watching "The Count of Monte Cristo" and "Ben Hur" or any other movie that took the course of seeking revenge.  At least in those, it ended portraying the futility of that pursuit and a changed heart.  This movie's ending message honored revenge, glorified the lack of liability, and pulled at the heart strings by blaming and excusing and justifying. 

And really such circular logic - a fallacy if you will.  Where is the compassion story for the man that was murdered?  Apparently murder can be justified if there is a sad story attached to it and so I'm sure he was a victim at some point in his life.  Following this philosophy of the end justifies the means, his actions deserved no justice either.  With this circular thinking, there would be no justice for any act.  Everyone a casualty by another's acts and so not accountable for the choices they make.   Free to be acted upon but not free to act.  - truly a falsehood.

It is true mercy and justice go together - but this movie depicted a twisted version of it.

I can't help but wonder why my children and friends recommended this movie with such enthusiasm.  But I'm going to do the same.  Watch it, consider it, discuss at length what the motive and intent of it really is.  And then expose the brokenness of it.

To Thine Own Self, Be True

I’ve got a new son. 

Not through birth or a bonus son (aka son-in-law).  We thought we’d try a foreign exchange student this year and it has been a glorious experience.  The struggles of responsibility, cleanliness, and social personality that I have with my own children, are among his many strong points and it has truly been a pleasure (and a needed reprieve) of having a child who cheerfully and willingly does his chores without being nagged.  Or who knows how to have fun, even the life of the party, and still responsible for his own education at the same time.   His parents must have raised him right and I’m able to enjoy the benefits of their labors.  He is just an all-around good kid. 

In the course of a discussion with him, he revealed that all these attributes that I’m so admiring (and appreciating) are only a façade.  A great big lie.  He admitted that he lies to everyone because he doesn’t like himself (hates, I think was the term he used - with a great deal of vehemence in his voice).  Because his true self is lazy, selfish, a recluse, a slob, and the sort.  It was through reflection of these “true” traits that he decided to fake it and act like he is something he’s not.

 

Of course, I feel he is being too hard on himself and isn’t nearly as bad as indicated simply by the mere fact he is being proactive in altering his behavior.   Maybe self-loathing and attempting to deceive the world wasn’t the best approach but behaving in the manner in which he desired definitely is.

And I feel he’s operating under a misunderstanding of what his true nature is.  I think most of us do.  This discussion among other events have been the catalyst for my musings on the true self.  And as irony would have it, there is a huge movement of authenticity in the world… and yet very few are clear on what it means to be authentic. 

Natural Man:  Is it to be your physical self – carnal and lazy and selfish, pursuing your own interests and wants?  This is what I feel my new “son” may have perceived as his true character.  The physical body has all sorts of “comfortable” demands and is motivated in a variety of animalistic qualities. Addictions of pornography, drugs, drunkenness, video games, gov’t hand-outs, and free-for-all sex result in celebrating and honoring this type of authenticity.  Although the body is part of our character, it is only half of the equation, and the half that needs improvement I might add.

Familiarity:  Is a genuine person one who is true to their upbringing or the way they were raised.  A type of familiarity or loyalty to and honoring of their heritage.   I’ve seen this in the big ticket items such as political views, religion, and personal values, as well as many trivial items such as the brand of hot chocolate or evening routines. With so many pressures placed on us to conform to society’s standards, it’s easy to see how a person may feel a sense of authenticity by choosing the familiar.

Purpose:  Or is a bone fide person one who stands up for their beliefs, a person of integrity.  The type of person who isn’t swayed by convenience or social pressures.  I can easily understand how a sense of purpose or mission could be equated with arriving to oneself.    

Honesty: Or maybe self-validity is a type of arriving to maturity or emotional honesty.  A heightened sense of self-awareness or transparency in your dealings and motives. 

Child of God: All of the previous possibilities can be categorized as the world’s view, while Heaven’s view might look a little differently.  Our origins began long before our taking a stand for a cause, before inner deceptions or developments, before our upbringing, even prior to our having a physical body.   Authenticity in this category lies in the knowledge (which then produces a behavior consistent with the knowledge) of being children of God and heirs to his kingdom.  A disciple of Christ.   Being genuine spiritually recognizes God’s call to them, deep within their heart, and the yearning to return to their spiritual home.  

All of these possibilities ring true as being “authentic” and it may simply be a matter of which type of genuineness you are referring to.

How inauthenticity begins

I find it intriguing how one might wander away from their true self or become inauthentic.  Obviously societal pressures and expectations have a great deal to do with it.  Probably one of the many paradoxes – first creating inauthenticity and then promoting its opposite.  

Or another contributing factor may be the social game of anticipating what we think the other person wants and then accommodating.  This tradition of lying becomes an easy habit that is not only difficult to stop, it muddles any concept of truth about self or genuine relationships. 

Possibly it began through parents and teachers, with good intentions mind you, modifying a child’s behavior through rewards and punishments.  It may have manipulated the child to get what they wanted but had the unexpected byproduct of creating a false motivation. 

Perhaps, as a child experienced an emotion or thought that was not validated by others, or worse – rejected, those shame messages received would result in a natural self-preservation to hide, conceal, or protect oneself from being vulnerable again.  Thus inauthenticity.

Of course, education has had its influence as well.  Darwinism, being taught in our schools, is probably the most damaging of all the anti-Christ agendas.  To believe humans were created by mere chance and that we originate from evolved animals, denies the very root of one’s true self as God’s divine offspring.  Operating on a false understanding of what one’s true self is would make it a little challenging to be true to yourself. 

Yeah, I think there is plenty of potential causes to put on a mask and become an actor on the stage of life.  To join the masquerade and keep others (and ourselves) guessing about our true identity.  But WHY?

Why be authentic?

If everybody’s doing it, why try to become genuine? It would definitely make the odd man out.  I think there is something so rewarding, so soul expanding, so liberating when we are honest to ourselves and to others.  The shackles of bondage simply fall away as we communicate openly and pursue honorably a life of genuineness.  There is inner peace, self-satisfaction, joy, and the ability to really love. 

When compared to the benefits of living a façade (self-protection, selfishness, fitting in with the crowd, the ease of our default behavior, etc.) it should make the choice pretty simple.  However, I don’t think people realize they are making a choice or even looking at the comparison. 

Hopefully this little outline helps in identifying the comparison for others as it has for me.

My “son” may have lied or become inauthentic on many levels.  As have I, as outlined HERE.  My hope would be that he would define what his genuine self is, choose whether to honor it, and abandon the self-loathing so that he can love himself as much as I do. 

Having a Christ- Sharing Home

The following is a copy of a talk I gave in church on Oct 29th, 2017.  Of course the spoken version may not have followed exactly but this was the written plan in my preparations. 

I am truly grateful for this opportunity to speak to you today.  Not because I desire to stand in front of you but rather I am grateful for the shot in the arm, having to speak does for my desire to study and internalize the concepts that are going to be shared. 

As President Anderson spoke to us last Sunday, I was impressed with his emphasis that in these troubling times, the key ingredient to enduring them is faith in Christ, as well as the importance of our sharing packets of light and truth with others.  Apparently it had the same effect on Brother Spain because having a Christ-sharing home is what I’ve been asked to speak on today. 

Although President Anderson never mentioned it, his remarks brought to mind and made more powerfully of an understanding the scripture mastery found in 2 Nephi 25:23, 26.

For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.

 And we talk of Christ we rejoice in Christ we preach of Christ, we prophecy of Christ and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

So like all good beginnings, let’s start by asking – WHY?

Why Christ?

Why the focus on the home?

Why Share?

Why Christ?

As I was asking this question in my mind, I reflected on the many philosophies and worldviews that are so prevalent in society today that don’t include Christ as an essential element.  I currently am teaching a class called “His Hands” – it’s kind of a service club.  And I’ve kind of been surprised by the amount of goodness that exists in the world.  There are a good deal of service organizations outside of any religious association. The government has organized efforts and programs for every kind of need.  And Pinterest if chock full of the cutesy aspects of Random Acts of Kindness. 

The humanist movement – which is the philosophy taught in our schools – honors everything that is noble and worthy about humans without the need of a Savior.  Basically good Christians without Christ. 

Science is making great strides in explaining the “mysteries” of the world.  And there are multitudes of philosophies that explain away the need for the old fashioned mentality of religion.  So why Christ?  If there is plenty of evidence that a good and honorable life can exist without him and there is sufficient doubts to question the old ways, why do we, still feel that He is so essential?  Why do we labor so diligently to persuade our children to believe in him?

Salvation. Aside from the fact that God IS love and the light of Christ is the source of all internal goodness in humans, Salvation is the key.  We cannot build a tower of Babel by our goodness.  No amount of good in the world can EVER “earn us” salvation.  Christ is the gatekeeper, the ONLY entrance into the presence of God. 

Several days ago, Pablo (my foreign exchange student son), and I were having a discussion.  He is a lover of science and has a great aptitude for the scientific mind.  But he is not necessarily a religious person.  So we were discussing how a scientist will come to search for truth through the scientific method.  When they come to a point they don’t have understanding, they will continue the search through more theories and experimentation.  Whereas a religious person will eventually stop searching and end all unknown understandings with, what he felt was a cop-out, of “Because God made it that way”, or “we’ll find that out when we get to the other side”.    I can’t speak for others or what their motive may be, but I told him why I would say that to my children and also myself...  To instill faith.  Faith in Christ is THE objective.  Truth is wonderful and fascinating but it’s not the end all purpose, at least not in this life– Faith IS and more specifically faith in Christ.

President Uchtdorf counseled us to doubt our doubts before doubting our faith. So to the question of “Why Christ”, I am responding with “Why NOT Christ?”  What is so empowering to be without hope?  What is so wonderful about being without a Savior?  Why is it so liberating to believe I am alone?  And what does it say about ME weighing the legitimacy of philosophies that inflate my pride (such as success is based by my own genius or management or strength) or remove my guilt (such as there is no crime or sin). 

But skepticism aside, we know it is because of The PLAN.  The master purpose.  The Great Plan of Happiness.  We know there is a three-act play and we can only see the 2^nd act.  Life could be compared to playing a game we’ve never played before.  Only some are playing by observing the opponents moves to identify the objective rather than reading the instructions.  They may not understand the opponent’s strategy (or more likely it’s the blind leading the blind).     

Or another anology might be a school.  If we could just get our mind wrapped around the idea that Christ is the Master Teacher, the Universe is his classroom and the curriculum, what we are going to be taught about and be tested on, is the atonement of Christ.

Even as members in our faith, we sometimes forget the purpose.  My sister shared her eye-opening experience.  We’ve both been members all of our lives and the Mormon culture is hard-wired into our character.  She was studying Lehi’s vision when she was struck with significance of the Tree of Life.  Before she always felt the emphasis was to be placed on the Iron Rod, the straight and narrow path, or even how to avoid the mists of darkness or the Great and Spacious Building. But for the first time she took her attention off of her grip to the Iron Rod and instead looked to the Tree.  With her focus on Christ, there was never any desire or distraction from the Iron Rod.  It was about Christ.  The purpose of the Rod was Christ.  The straight and narrow path was about Christ.  It was a powerful realization for her.  Sometime after that she listened to General Conference and was a little shocked that every single speaker had their focus on Christ.  It was exhilarating to have such a clear perspective.  And then she went to church and the members spoke about what they got out of General Conference.  Some were on missionary work, some on tithing, some on living the law of the fast, some on our divine nature, some even on the plan of Salvation.  And she wept.  She wept because she could see that they were missing it.  The talk wasn’t on forgiveness, it was on Christ.  Yes, forgiveness may have been the tool or method that was used to point us to Christ, but the main point was “Come to Christ”.  Each topic was the means of pointing to Christ.  She could see how they were laboring diligently to persuade us to BELIEVE IN CHRIST.  And it broke her heart that she had missed it for all these years, she always saw church as a long list of compartmentalized do’s and don’ts.  A checklist with Jesus being a central figure but all the attention was on the little things that were supposed to point to Him.  She was looking at the rod, or in other words, looking to the scriptures to save her (For in them ye think ye have eternal life), but it is in looking to Christ Himself, that the promise is given. 

And ALL things testify of Christ.  The Scriptures, the living prophets, the Holy Ghost, the earth itself, the temple, the commandments, the family unit, Symbolism, the types and shadows, even our trials.  ALL things testify of and point to Christ.  He is the objective of our game, applying His atonement is the way to pass this exam.    

Why the Focus on the Home?

The house is simply a structure.  It has four walls and a roof.  But when compared to a Christ-Sharing Home that structure takes on much deeper meaning.  The foundation of the home is of course the Rock, Christ himself, as I’ve just outlined.  Christ is the foundation of our lives and the family is the foundational unit of society.  Those two foundations provide for a very sturdy base and potential influence.  The weight-bearing beams of the construction are those celestial traditions of daily Personal and family scripture study, daily personal and family prayer, Family Home evenings, church attendance, etc.  Maybe insignificant in and of themselves, but with repetition and consistency can withstand the fiercest storms and fiery darts of the adversary.  This home is powered by God because of obedience and service to our fellowmen.  This home is the medium with which we labor diligently to persuade our children to Believe in Christ.  We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, and we prophecy of Christ.  The home is also the medium with which we labor diligently to persuade our brethren to Believe in Christ through our example and light to the world

Elder Richard G. Scott said:

  “One of the greatest blessings we can offer to the world is the power of a
  Christ-Centered Home where the gospel is taught, covenants are kept,
  and love abounds.”

Why Share?

I’m a little hesitant to address this subject because of my tendency to weep whenever I think about it so please be gracious toward me as I attempt to do so. 

Missionary work has always been intimidating to me.  For years, I would cringe whenever that topic was addressed at the pulpit.  After being reconnected with some non-member friends, I experienced a daydream of sorts, where I was standing at the judgement bar with them.  As I was welcomed into the presence of the Lord, I looked back at my friends who were not.  I could see the tears and longing in their eyes and turning to me asked, “Why? Why didn’t you share with me what you knew?”  That vision has pulled at my heart ever since. 

This happened a little prior to the church’s efforts of “Hastening the Work” and so every conference address, sacrament meeting talk, and Sunday school or Relief Society lesson seemed to have the main desire of my heart.  It kept me laser focused and petitioning without weariness for a missionary experience.  My prayers became much more focused, sincere, and genuine, real prayers of faith, as I pleaded for the opportunity to be His instrument in bringing sheep to the fold.  I ached at the idea of my friends not having been invited to hear the good news and I sought every opportunity I could to do so.  I engaged in theology discussions, facebook posts, personal connections, and even blogging. 

Unfortunately, to this day, I’ve never had anyone convert to the gospel or find their way to Christ but I have had one apostate, one anti-Christ, one bizzaro worldview after another.   Atheist, Agnostic, Deist, Pagan, Cosmic Humanist, and lots of other philosophies I don’t even know how to label.  I was given missionary opportunities all around me.  I testified boldly, inviting and discussing at length.  I defended my God and gained a love for his children that I’ve never experienced before.  I studied “why Christ” or “Why I believe” extensively and had my faith fortified again and again.   In hindsight, I was blessed with many assurances and tender mercies that my prayers were being heard but it still has been fairly difficult to have a track record of planting seeds without any harvesting. 

I remember questioning why this might be the case… and then I had the thought that I had prayed that I would be able to love His children the way that He loves them.  I’m noticing that for some reason, God seems to answer those “Becoming” prayers a lot faster than the “I Want” prayers.   Maybe because that is part of our purpose for this earth experience – to become like Him.  I know my heart is in the right place, I’m learning to love others genuinely and want to offer them my most valuable gift, and I’m learning to become at peace, if they choose a different route,  I’m learning to love has he loves them.

So in conclusion, having a Christ-sharing home is part of the process of laboring diligently to persuade our children and also our brethren to believe in Christ and to be reconciled to (or restore those separated relationships with) God for we know that it is by grace we are saved – not our own genius, strength, management of the creature, goodness, or tower of Babel.  As we strengthen our own relationship with Christ, the natural byproduct will be a Christ-sharing home. 

He Loves Me Not . . . or Not?

He loves me . . . He loves me not . . . He loves me . . . He loves me not . . . 

That’s how it has felt over the past several years.  Like my heart was on a yo-yo of feeling His love and then having to choose to believe His love was there whether I felt it or not. 

What is the true definition of love anyway?  A warm fuzzy feeling inside?  A providing for other’s needs? An intense feeling of deep affection?  A verbal expression of adoration?  An acceptance and peaceful interaction with others despite differences?  

I know everyone has their own version of personal trials and mine seems to be in the financial arena. I don’t want to complain on how difficult life has been, however, one probably ought to get a sense of where we were. So I’m going to name a few of the going ons this past while.

1.       Five drivers schedules with only one vehicle (we had three but they all died within a two week period of time – we used our potential Christmas money to fix the jeep enough to get it to work).

2.       Sending a missionary out into the field

3.       Food purchases being a once a year deal – tax refund that purchased the ever tasteful and variety filled (sense the sarcasm) basic food storage (have I mentioned that two of us can’t eat wheat – which makes life interesting) or the occasional Bishop’s Storehouse.

4.       Work seemed to stop during the winter months – well the work never stopped but the ability to produce income did.  

5.       Scarcity mentality – I don’t recommend it.  A constant feeling of not having enough.

6.       Health problems – I know breathing might be overrated but then again… 

7.       Road blocks – repeatedly and constantly.  Even when having to  donate plasma to pay the bills, we'd get deferred for lack of sufficient protein in the blood.  

8.       Hospitalization for my son, which reduced me to my hypocritic status toward my own principles (see The Pains of Progress)

9.       Creditors – gotta love them.  Or maybe they love us due to their frequent calls, texts, and (dis)connections.

10.   A repeating pattern of insufficiency.  Causing a belief that we were stuck in this caste system, unable to rise above our circumstances. 

A number of years ago, my oldest and first daughter got married.  It was a crazy busy time with traumas going on with the extended family, a daughter serving in the mission field, transitions of both occupations and housing, and the holidays soon approaching.  I don’t recall having a childhood dream for my children’s weddings but I just kinda supposed I would help make it a beautiful event and fulfill the “brides” responsibilities of paying for the reception.  Well, I have to admit, it was a beautiful event.  The decorations were breathtaking, the mood and spirit of the reception was relaxed and inviting, and every thing seemed to work like clockwork.  My cost in all this - $2.00.  Yep and it was a sacrifice on my part.  I remember (dollar-store) thumb tacks and pens.  Everything else was donated or volunteered.  The cake, the refreshments, the dress, the backdrop, even the little mini-lights that gave such a luminescent effect in the centerpieces.  Everything.  And I felt like a total failure.  It’s not that I wasn’t grateful that so many people were gracious and that the result was fantastic – it was because I felt I hadn’t done my part. I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do. 

Fast forward to this last Christmas.  I had made a list and got a good idea of Christmas gifts that would be meaningful and needful for our Christmas celebration.  Wanting to keep our traditions, I strove with every opportunity to accumulate the desired gifts.  And with each time I had money in my hands, it went out just as fast to some other pressing urgency, mostly so that my husband could keep working.  Not only was I not getting the gifts I wanted, our mortgage and food and power were being paid for by the Bishop.  So according to all the famous Christmas stories where it was a meager means but found some meaningful treasure in spite of the scarcity, or a secret santa provided a small token – Nope.  My bedroom became the loading docks.  I think it was 13 garbage bags – FULL.  Not just secret santa, but quality used stuff as well.  I didn’t have enough wrapping paper and on Christmas morning, we had to take a break from sorting through all the shtuff because the abundance was too exhausting.  This wasn’t the first Christmas that we’ve had amazing contributions but it was one of the most difficult.  Not because we didn’t have enough, but because we had soooooo much and it wasn’t from my efforts – it was just given to me. And I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do.

Then this last week, it happened again.  Got a call out of the blue from someone who recently heard of our financial plight.  She just offered her van – no strings attached.  She had more vehicles than she needed, we had less than needed, so she just gave it to us.  A true application of the Law of Consecration.  And it’s not just a van with adequate seats, but it has all the bells and whistles.  DVD player, 6 CD changer, Navigation system with the back-up video thingy, leather heated seats, rear thermometer and entertainment controls, consistent maintenance so that it’s in good shape.  You name it, it is uptown, especially when compared to what we’ve been driving. (a gimping along, four-passenger jeep).  Still gaping about this one.  I tried to justify that we didn’t need it (we desperately needed it, but not as much as several months before) and I tried to come up with funds to actually purchase it. Nope.  Just swallow any self-respect and accept it humbly and gratefully.  Again, I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do.

So He Love Me (provides the atonement, this plan of happiness, personal testimony of my Savior) . . . He Love Me Not (roadblocks, insufficiency, inabilities, personal trials) . . . He Love Me (increased ability to BE like him, feeling the warm fuzzies, feeling his intense feelings of deep affection) . . . He Loves Me Not (His promises don’t seem to be playing out, feeling alone, feeling trapped) . . . He Loves Me (seeing and feeling tender mercies, patience to see that his promises are playing out – according to his schedule, not mine, my needs are being provided for but at the expense of my pride)

So although I haven't been able to do what I wanted to do, I am seeing that something MORE is happening to me than the simple pride of being able to do it myself.  It remind me of one of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes:

"Give me ALL.  I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work:  I want You.  I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it.  No half-measures are any good.  I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the tree down... Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit.  I will give you a new self instead.  In fact, I will give you Myself: my own shall become yours"

"Imagine yourself as a living house.  God comes in to rebuild that house.  At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.  He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.  But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.  What on earth is He up to?  The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.  You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage; but he is building a palace.  He intends to come and live in it Himself."

Although I may not understand (or like) my trials, I can see it as yet more evidence that He Loves Me.

I'm HONESTLY DisHonest

The other day I was being interviewed for a renewal of my temple recommend.  The questions were fairly simple to answer and there was a certain amount of “Whew – (wipe forehead) I must be doing something right” feeling.  But I was surprised how one question has lingered in my thoughts as I’ve wondered if I was accurate in my answer.  I don’t recall the exact wording, but it’s the question that asks if I am honest in all my dealings with my fellow men.  Up until recently, I felt I had been.  Now I’m beginning to wonder if that question has more layers than I first imagined.

MY FIRST EFFORT

When I was in High School, I was probably a typical teen.  Ultimately good but had practices that were a bit borderline.  At college I recognized that one of those borderline behaviors had become a polished skill  – I was really good at lying.  I don’t recall practicing or even intentionally trying to be deceptive, but I could very convincingly alter the facts to portray whatever image or story I was promoting at the time.  Nothing major, mind you, but those “little white lies” came incredibly easy for me.  It came in handy when working on a secret surprise for someone or making myself look more innocent than I truly was.  I’m not sure what triggered the desire to alter this skill but at some point I decided that I was going to be 100% honest.  No more white lies, no more “what they don’t know won’t hurt them”, no more half-truths – just the bone back facts.

 

And that’s when I really began to see how gifted of a liar I was.  I had the force (think star wars)… the force of habit.  There was immense pain as I would automatically alter the details (with no perceived purpose for doing so) out of habit.  I recall one incident that involved tickets for a performance on campus.  It would have been so easy to fudge on the details of my status and gotten the tickets for a greatly reduced rate and I began to do so, but something helped me (maybe a still small voice) to correct the misunderstanding and pay full rate.  And surprising to me, I FELT GLORIOUS.  The rush from being honest was 10 times the rush from getting a cheaper ticket.  I couldn’t believe how enlarged my soul felt for doing such a simple little thing. What do drugs/alcohol have to offer compared to this?

After that episode, I knew that my priorities had changed permanently.  Honesty truly was the best policy. 

DECEPTIONS ALL AROUND

For about 25 years now, I’ve answered that “honesty” question in the affirmative because I thought I had conquered that mountain.  Telling the truth had become as much a habit for me now as the stretching it had been before. 

However, during the last several years, I’ve noticed an increasing level of discomfort for things that I never paid attention to before.  Maybe my “honesty” mission had gone to the extreme, because things like magicians [sleight of hand], actors [pretended identity], and even comedy [anything for a laugh] were seen as different flavors of deception and false images.  The great social and time pressures, 

even as adults, promote falsehoods such as “keep up with the Jones’s”, “let’s not, and say we did”, or agree to having read contracts that haven’t actually been read (one of my great weaknesses, I’m afraid).  

Even noble intentions such as having compassion toward others used a certain amount of duplicity under the titles of being ‘tactful’ [Does this make me look fat] or ‘diplomatic’ [common ground with an ulterior motive].  Setting goals and stating positive affirmations with the philosophy of “Fake it till you make it” is a “believe and you can achieve” pretense.  Whether it is the creation process or not doesn’t change the fact that it is a discrepancy from the current reality.

Plato, in setting up an “ideal” society considered which approach should be used in regard to the teaching of young children.  He identified that we could teach truth… or we could teach lies – and of course we would begin their learning with lies.     I was appalled as I realized that is exactly what we do with all the fairy tales, fables, tall tales, and other fictional stories.   I recall my niece’s confession that she felt betrayed by her parents when she found out about Santa Claus.   At the time, I was amused by her comment but now wondered about the value of that tradition.

Yep - Society is dripping in Deception.

And this past month, I finally realized that society has a double standard of ethics.  One for personal (or religious) and one for games.  WIN – at the expense of another, take advantage of the opponent’s weakness, strategize to prevent their advancement, steal the ball, etc.  Even my scriptural heroes of Ammon and Captain Moroni used guile and strategy to accomplish their objectives. 

A NECESSARY EVIL

In most cases, honesty trumps deception, but I get how living in an imperfect world requires altercations from the ideal. Immanual Kant helped me to realize this.  He believed honesty in ALL situations was necessary… so if the authorities came to his door and asked if he had Jews in his house, he would not only confirm the suspicion with an affirmative, but take them to the hiding place.  But to be fair, he would be known for his impeccable honesty and the Jews knew he wouldn’t lie for them.

I, however, believe that preserving a life from an evil is a greater good than keeping my word, in that respect.  And so, Yes, I believe we must take the spirit to be our guide to discern between absolute or relative ethics in any particular situation, or to discern between being without guile or using strategy for a greater good. 

SOCIETY TO SELF

Keeping up with the Joneses may be a worldly pursuit, but “Keeping Up Appearances” is evident on multiple levels. 

Social media is gaining the reputation of displaying only the good that is happening in one’s life (with the occasional rant).  Which doesn’t show a complete well rounded picture of one’s genuine status.

There is the self-betrayal that might happens at every choice.  If I choose to follow my inner voice, everything is fine, but when I choose contrary to my true self, not only am I being deceitful to myself, I am disempowered at making the next choice correctly or experiencing happiness as a result.  Gotta stay the course so I don’t have to eat crow. 

A believer in Christ is still only human and prone to weaknesses.  It’s a delicate business finding the balance between genuine humility and confidence in Christ.  Sadly, many don’t find that balance very easily and become hypocrites because their effort.  I would fall into that category more often than I like.  A trapped into being a hypocrite (explained in greater detail here) is another example of not being honest with self.  And there is an unspoken standard to preach the gospel without indicating personal failure or weakness – as if the Bishop is the only one that the spiritually sick are to receive the administrations from the great physician or that others cannot benefit from my brokenness.  It’s not true, but it the socially acceptable behavior.  Ironically, the very first step in the repentance process is to honestly admit that I am powerless to overcome my struggles on my own and that my life has become unmanageable.  That takes a huge amount of honesty with self and with God.  It goes back to the drawing the line and clarifying which part is mine and which part is yours. 

We all want to have our act together and somewhere along the lines, that seems to be defined as being happy… all the time.  There is great pressure to not allow others to see or even to experience pain… or confusion… or cry… or are less than… or are lonely… or vulnerable to weakness… or slobs… or are sad… or poor… or… the list goes on and on.   As if being {fill in the blank} is a sin or causing harm to society at large.  Worth our sympathy but not our empathy.  Good intentioned advice might be to “Choose out of it”, “make a state change”, “don’t let others know”, or “ignore it and it will go away”.  The only problem I’m seeing with this is that it denies what IS before trying to change it.  There is value in experiencing and “BEING” and these consequences are set in place for a learning opportunity – not a hiding opportunity. 

And I’ve recently become acutely aware of the damaging effects of not being brutally honest emotionally.  Stuffing the emotions or adopting the “voice” of shame rather than identifying what I feel, experiencing it,determine its truthfulness and then letting it go or choosing to learn from it.   Emotional honesty is nothing more than a conscious awareness of what is going on in my internal world and am willing to share with others what I feel, perceive, think, understand, etc.  Emotional dishonesty can exhibit itself through procrastination, manipulation, pride, entitlement mentality, reacting in fear, denial, agreeing with shame messages, selfishness, blaming, judging, and even physical illness.  It’s such an abstract experience, it’s hard to identify, but the negative results caused by emotional ‘shtuff’-ing indicates another level of keeping up appearances that’s not based on truth.  One can not be honest and emotional dishonest at the same time.  And that reality hurts.

IN SEARCH OF PERSONAL HONESTY

With heightened awareness of these varied levels of honesty, I’m not sure how to sincerely answer the temple recommend interview question.  But an additional perk is I’m making more effort at BEING, being okay with my vulnerability or brokenness, feeling my emotions and internally processing what that means, and seeking Christ more fully in my efforts to be his disciple.

And I'll work on not entering so many contracts if I don't want to read them (wink)