He Loves Me Not . . . or Not?

He loves me . . . He loves me not . . . He loves me . . . He loves me not . . . 

That’s how it has felt over the past several years.  Like my heart was on a yo-yo of feeling His love and then having to choose to believe His love was there whether I felt it or not. 

What is the true definition of love anyway?  A warm fuzzy feeling inside?  A providing for other’s needs? An intense feeling of deep affection?  A verbal expression of adoration?  An acceptance and peaceful interaction with others despite differences?  

I know everyone has their own version of personal trials and mine seems to be in the financial arena. I don’t want to complain on how difficult life has been, however, one probably ought to get a sense of where we were. So I’m going to name a few of the going ons this past while.

1.       Five drivers schedules with only one vehicle (we had three but they all died within a two week period of time – we used our potential Christmas money to fix the jeep enough to get it to work).

2.       Sending a missionary out into the field

3.       Food purchases being a once a year deal – tax refund that purchased the ever tasteful and variety filled (sense the sarcasm) basic food storage (have I mentioned that two of us can’t eat wheat – which makes life interesting) or the occasional Bishop’s Storehouse.

4.       Work seemed to stop during the winter months – well the work never stopped but the ability to produce income did.  

5.       Scarcity mentality – I don’t recommend it.  A constant feeling of not having enough.

6.       Health problems – I know breathing might be overrated but then again… 

7.       Road blocks – repeatedly and constantly.  Even when having to  donate plasma to pay the bills, we'd get deferred for lack of sufficient protein in the blood.  

8.       Hospitalization for my son, which reduced me to my hypocritic status toward my own principles (see The Pains of Progress)

9.       Creditors – gotta love them.  Or maybe they love us due to their frequent calls, texts, and (dis)connections.

10.   A repeating pattern of insufficiency.  Causing a belief that we were stuck in this caste system, unable to rise above our circumstances. 

A number of years ago, my oldest and first daughter got married.  It was a crazy busy time with traumas going on with the extended family, a daughter serving in the mission field, transitions of both occupations and housing, and the holidays soon approaching.  I don’t recall having a childhood dream for my children’s weddings but I just kinda supposed I would help make it a beautiful event and fulfill the “brides” responsibilities of paying for the reception.  Well, I have to admit, it was a beautiful event.  The decorations were breathtaking, the mood and spirit of the reception was relaxed and inviting, and every thing seemed to work like clockwork.  My cost in all this - $2.00.  Yep and it was a sacrifice on my part.  I remember (dollar-store) thumb tacks and pens.  Everything else was donated or volunteered.  The cake, the refreshments, the dress, the backdrop, even the little mini-lights that gave such a luminescent effect in the centerpieces.  Everything.  And I felt like a total failure.  It’s not that I wasn’t grateful that so many people were gracious and that the result was fantastic – it was because I felt I hadn’t done my part. I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do. 

Fast forward to this last Christmas.  I had made a list and got a good idea of Christmas gifts that would be meaningful and needful for our Christmas celebration.  Wanting to keep our traditions, I strove with every opportunity to accumulate the desired gifts.  And with each time I had money in my hands, it went out just as fast to some other pressing urgency, mostly so that my husband could keep working.  Not only was I not getting the gifts I wanted, our mortgage and food and power were being paid for by the Bishop.  So according to all the famous Christmas stories where it was a meager means but found some meaningful treasure in spite of the scarcity, or a secret santa provided a small token – Nope.  My bedroom became the loading docks.  I think it was 13 garbage bags – FULL.  Not just secret santa, but quality used stuff as well.  I didn’t have enough wrapping paper and on Christmas morning, we had to take a break from sorting through all the shtuff because the abundance was too exhausting.  This wasn’t the first Christmas that we’ve had amazing contributions but it was one of the most difficult.  Not because we didn’t have enough, but because we had soooooo much and it wasn’t from my efforts – it was just given to me. And I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do.

Then this last week, it happened again.  Got a call out of the blue from someone who recently heard of our financial plight.  She just offered her van – no strings attached.  She had more vehicles than she needed, we had less than needed, so she just gave it to us.  A true application of the Law of Consecration.  And it’s not just a van with adequate seats, but it has all the bells and whistles.  DVD player, 6 CD changer, Navigation system with the back-up video thingy, leather heated seats, rear thermometer and entertainment controls, consistent maintenance so that it’s in good shape.  You name it, it is uptown, especially when compared to what we’ve been driving. (a gimping along, four-passenger jeep).  Still gaping about this one.  I tried to justify that we didn’t need it (we desperately needed it, but not as much as several months before) and I tried to come up with funds to actually purchase it. Nope.  Just swallow any self-respect and accept it humbly and gratefully.  Again, I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do.

So He Love Me (provides the atonement, this plan of happiness, personal testimony of my Savior) . . . He Love Me Not (roadblocks, insufficiency, inabilities, personal trials) . . . He Love Me (increased ability to BE like him, feeling the warm fuzzies, feeling his intense feelings of deep affection) . . . He Loves Me Not (His promises don’t seem to be playing out, feeling alone, feeling trapped) . . . He Loves Me (seeing and feeling tender mercies, patience to see that his promises are playing out – according to his schedule, not mine, my needs are being provided for but at the expense of my pride)

So although I haven't been able to do what I wanted to do, I am seeing that something MORE is happening to me than the simple pride of being able to do it myself.  It remind me of one of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes:

"Give me ALL.  I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work:  I want You.  I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it.  No half-measures are any good.  I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the tree down... Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit.  I will give you a new self instead.  In fact, I will give you Myself: my own shall become yours"

"Imagine yourself as a living house.  God comes in to rebuild that house.  At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.  He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.  But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.  What on earth is He up to?  The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.  You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage; but he is building a palace.  He intends to come and live in it Himself."

Although I may not understand (or like) my trials, I can see it as yet more evidence that He Loves Me.

I'm HONESTLY DisHonest

The other day I was being interviewed for a renewal of my temple recommend.  The questions were fairly simple to answer and there was a certain amount of “Whew – (wipe forehead) I must be doing something right” feeling.  But I was surprised how one question has lingered in my thoughts as I’ve wondered if I was accurate in my answer.  I don’t recall the exact wording, but it’s the question that asks if I am honest in all my dealings with my fellow men.  Up until recently, I felt I had been.  Now I’m beginning to wonder if that question has more layers than I first imagined.

MY FIRST EFFORT

When I was in High School, I was probably a typical teen.  Ultimately good but had practices that were a bit borderline.  At college I recognized that one of those borderline behaviors had become a polished skill  – I was really good at lying.  I don’t recall practicing or even intentionally trying to be deceptive, but I could very convincingly alter the facts to portray whatever image or story I was promoting at the time.  Nothing major, mind you, but those “little white lies” came incredibly easy for me.  It came in handy when working on a secret surprise for someone or making myself look more innocent than I truly was.  I’m not sure what triggered the desire to alter this skill but at some point I decided that I was going to be 100% honest.  No more white lies, no more “what they don’t know won’t hurt them”, no more half-truths – just the bone back facts.

 

And that’s when I really began to see how gifted of a liar I was.  I had the force (think star wars)… the force of habit.  There was immense pain as I would automatically alter the details (with no perceived purpose for doing so) out of habit.  I recall one incident that involved tickets for a performance on campus.  It would have been so easy to fudge on the details of my status and gotten the tickets for a greatly reduced rate and I began to do so, but something helped me (maybe a still small voice) to correct the misunderstanding and pay full rate.  And surprising to me, I FELT GLORIOUS.  The rush from being honest was 10 times the rush from getting a cheaper ticket.  I couldn’t believe how enlarged my soul felt for doing such a simple little thing. What do drugs/alcohol have to offer compared to this?

After that episode, I knew that my priorities had changed permanently.  Honesty truly was the best policy. 

DECEPTIONS ALL AROUND

For about 25 years now, I’ve answered that “honesty” question in the affirmative because I thought I had conquered that mountain.  Telling the truth had become as much a habit for me now as the stretching it had been before. 

However, during the last several years, I’ve noticed an increasing level of discomfort for things that I never paid attention to before.  Maybe my “honesty” mission had gone to the extreme, because things like magicians [sleight of hand], actors [pretended identity], and even comedy [anything for a laugh] were seen as different flavors of deception and false images.  The great social and time pressures, 

even as adults, promote falsehoods such as “keep up with the Jones’s”, “let’s not, and say we did”, or agree to having read contracts that haven’t actually been read (one of my great weaknesses, I’m afraid).  

Even noble intentions such as having compassion toward others used a certain amount of duplicity under the titles of being ‘tactful’ [Does this make me look fat] or ‘diplomatic’ [common ground with an ulterior motive].  Setting goals and stating positive affirmations with the philosophy of “Fake it till you make it” is a “believe and you can achieve” pretense.  Whether it is the creation process or not doesn’t change the fact that it is a discrepancy from the current reality.

Plato, in setting up an “ideal” society considered which approach should be used in regard to the teaching of young children.  He identified that we could teach truth… or we could teach lies – and of course we would begin their learning with lies.     I was appalled as I realized that is exactly what we do with all the fairy tales, fables, tall tales, and other fictional stories.   I recall my niece’s confession that she felt betrayed by her parents when she found out about Santa Claus.   At the time, I was amused by her comment but now wondered about the value of that tradition.

Yep - Society is dripping in Deception.

And this past month, I finally realized that society has a double standard of ethics.  One for personal (or religious) and one for games.  WIN – at the expense of another, take advantage of the opponent’s weakness, strategize to prevent their advancement, steal the ball, etc.  Even my scriptural heroes of Ammon and Captain Moroni used guile and strategy to accomplish their objectives. 

A NECESSARY EVIL

In most cases, honesty trumps deception, but I get how living in an imperfect world requires altercations from the ideal. Immanual Kant helped me to realize this.  He believed honesty in ALL situations was necessary… so if the authorities came to his door and asked if he had Jews in his house, he would not only confirm the suspicion with an affirmative, but take them to the hiding place.  But to be fair, he would be known for his impeccable honesty and the Jews knew he wouldn’t lie for them.

I, however, believe that preserving a life from an evil is a greater good than keeping my word, in that respect.  And so, Yes, I believe we must take the spirit to be our guide to discern between absolute or relative ethics in any particular situation, or to discern between being without guile or using strategy for a greater good. 

SOCIETY TO SELF

Keeping up with the Joneses may be a worldly pursuit, but “Keeping Up Appearances” is evident on multiple levels. 

Social media is gaining the reputation of displaying only the good that is happening in one’s life (with the occasional rant).  Which doesn’t show a complete well rounded picture of one’s genuine status.

There is the self-betrayal that might happens at every choice.  If I choose to follow my inner voice, everything is fine, but when I choose contrary to my true self, not only am I being deceitful to myself, I am disempowered at making the next choice correctly or experiencing happiness as a result.  Gotta stay the course so I don’t have to eat crow. 

A believer in Christ is still only human and prone to weaknesses.  It’s a delicate business finding the balance between genuine humility and confidence in Christ.  Sadly, many don’t find that balance very easily and become hypocrites because their effort.  I would fall into that category more often than I like.  A trapped into being a hypocrite (explained in greater detail here) is another example of not being honest with self.  And there is an unspoken standard to preach the gospel without indicating personal failure or weakness – as if the Bishop is the only one that the spiritually sick are to receive the administrations from the great physician or that others cannot benefit from my brokenness.  It’s not true, but it the socially acceptable behavior.  Ironically, the very first step in the repentance process is to honestly admit that I am powerless to overcome my struggles on my own and that my life has become unmanageable.  That takes a huge amount of honesty with self and with God.  It goes back to the drawing the line and clarifying which part is mine and which part is yours. 

We all want to have our act together and somewhere along the lines, that seems to be defined as being happy… all the time.  There is great pressure to not allow others to see or even to experience pain… or confusion… or cry… or are less than… or are lonely… or vulnerable to weakness… or slobs… or are sad… or poor… or… the list goes on and on.   As if being {fill in the blank} is a sin or causing harm to society at large.  Worth our sympathy but not our empathy.  Good intentioned advice might be to “Choose out of it”, “make a state change”, “don’t let others know”, or “ignore it and it will go away”.  The only problem I’m seeing with this is that it denies what IS before trying to change it.  There is value in experiencing and “BEING” and these consequences are set in place for a learning opportunity – not a hiding opportunity. 

And I’ve recently become acutely aware of the damaging effects of not being brutally honest emotionally.  Stuffing the emotions or adopting the “voice” of shame rather than identifying what I feel, experiencing it,determine its truthfulness and then letting it go or choosing to learn from it.   Emotional honesty is nothing more than a conscious awareness of what is going on in my internal world and am willing to share with others what I feel, perceive, think, understand, etc.  Emotional dishonesty can exhibit itself through procrastination, manipulation, pride, entitlement mentality, reacting in fear, denial, agreeing with shame messages, selfishness, blaming, judging, and even physical illness.  It’s such an abstract experience, it’s hard to identify, but the negative results caused by emotional ‘shtuff’-ing indicates another level of keeping up appearances that’s not based on truth.  One can not be honest and emotional dishonest at the same time.  And that reality hurts.

IN SEARCH OF PERSONAL HONESTY

With heightened awareness of these varied levels of honesty, I’m not sure how to sincerely answer the temple recommend interview question.  But an additional perk is I’m making more effort at BEING, being okay with my vulnerability or brokenness, feeling my emotions and internally processing what that means, and seeking Christ more fully in my efforts to be his disciple.

And I'll work on not entering so many contracts if I don't want to read them (wink)

A Prescription for Mankind

My son is impressive, I have to admit.  Recently, the idea was suggested that he may benefit from hormone treatment.  When I first heard this, it was like various flashing colored lights went off in my head and thousands of repeating dings sounded in my ear as the confirmation to explain his struggles.  See he is 16 years old....  And he still throws the biggest tantrum fits and booby displays at the least bit of opposition, just like a young toddler would throw.

Now I admit this has been a small source of embarrassment but mostly it has been irritating that I haven't been able to help him "grow up" and be a man.  To develop some sort of emotional resilency because our life (for some unexplainable reason) seems to be more on the chaotic and not-as-smooth-as-the-Joneses side of things.  It's not been a good combination for him.  And to have those circumstances with no coping ability has really worn on my patience.  Time-outs, natural consequences, and all other parenting techniques have seemed to fail in making any type of "lesson learned" result.  And so a "throw my hands in the air" and "roll my eyes" has become my default for his behavior.

Well, with the possibility that he is lacking the chemical make-up to be mature, my perspective has changed a little.  The other day he was working on his algebra studies.  And needless to say, it was getting frustrating to him that what he thought he understood as the process was lacking the discipline of regular practice to internalize.  I remember experiencing that same greivance as I was learning algebra so I can appreciate where he was coming from.  But as usual, his response was a little out of proportion to the frustration of a new learning curve (That's a polite way of saying he was being a big baby)

I observed his out-of-control response and then noticed that (this time) his struggles were really a valiant attempt to conquer the emotional instability.  Mind you, he wasn't succeeding, but I could see that he really was trying to subdue what he was feeling.  If he truly is lacking hormones, than the ability to be in control is non-existent.  So I was much more merciful and understanding of his struggles.  I do have some sense of compassion left.  

I couldn't help but think of my own "inabilities" to behave or become how I desperately want to.  It truely is exasperating.  And then I thought about how all of mankind could be compared to my son and his insufficient hormones.  We have the potential to be so much more than we currently are in our fallen state.  But even potential needs a little intervention in order to progess or develop at some point.

It isn't until we come unto Christ, the true physician, that we receive our (comparable hormone) treatment to rise above what our best efforts can produce alone.  The irony is we have to put forth our best effort, have tests run on the disease symptoms we are experiencing (after all we can do), and go to our appointment with the doctor (come unto Christ) before we can have the desired prescription.

And so, once again, a new perspective is changing my viewpoint toward mankind.  Could it be that everyone truly IS doing the best they can with what they've been given.  Or in this case, what they haven't been given.  Our fallen nature is lacking, whether that's a spiritual hormone, or the discipline of regular practice to internalize virtue.  But no matter how valiently we attempt to rise above, a prescription is necessary and has to be sought after.

Doc Terminus from Pete's Dragon

I know the world has LOTS of prescriptions for mankind on how to make them happy or healthy or wealthy or any and all desireable objectives.  Experts seem to have the formula or remedy for every type of ailment. It makes me think of the con artist doctors, traveling from town to town with the cure-all remedy in a brown bottle (which was really a placebo) in order to make a profit.  But like many doctors out there who prescribe a pain killer or band-aid versus a healer who finds the source of the problem and addresses the real issue, worldly prescriptions may appear to fix it, but the underlying deficit still exists.

The creator himself not only can make-up the difference, where we lack.  He IS the difference.  He IS the master healer.  Whatever chemical ingredient is missing for our growth, He IS the Source to obtain it.

The Pains of Progress

I’m feeling stuck between sins. 

I’m not sure that’s possible but that is how I’m feeling.

I’ll try and relate this internal turmoil as best I can but know that this is a very personal struggle and based on my growth insights, so it may be difficult to explain to any degree of comprehension.

Sin #1 – First, a little background.  As I began my homeschool journey, the world of opportunities opened up to me.  Among those was the idea that I could be a person of principle.  Making decisions and impacting others in a positive manner based on correct governing principles.  Of course I was already making decisions and impacting others previously - but the basis for my decisions were very selfish and immature in nature.  Hardly something I wanted to have emulated.   Such as what is convenient and easy . . . or costs less . . . or everybody else is doing . . . or gives me the most gain . . . or makes me look good . . . or satisfies my five senses . . . or is the most fun . . . or even because it’s tradition.

Pretty shallow motives for living life. 

But as I began to study people throughout history, I began to notice that the choices they made were for a nobler purpose.   Such as what is morally and ethically RIGHT (which in our day is rarely convenient, easy, cheap, popular, fun, profitable, palatable, fashionable, or socially acceptable).  It was an internal government rather than an external motivation.  A higher intent rather than a base objective.  I began to feel inspired by their greatness and desire to make my life matter – not necessarily to be seen by others but because I wanted to look back on my life with satisfaction without regrets.  I wanted to be good.  And for the first time I was seeing the discrepancy between choosing the right (CTR – if I’d been commanded in what to choose) and BE-ing the right (choice at the heart level). 

At first, my becoming a person of principle was small.  I’d pay greater attention to political platforms rather than vote for the person whose name I saw the most on campaign signs (hey, at least I was voting, right).  I’d pick up some trash as I was walking, rather than passing by it for somebody else (I know someone was being paid to do it, but money was no longer the motive - improving the community was).   Eventually my choices were more personally painful but at the same time incredibly rewarding.  Such as when we stopped using Medicaid because I realized, it is the improper use of federal funds, and my using it was perpetuating a decline in our society – even though we have a diabetic son and couldn’t afford all that was required for his care.   I understand that is an unpopular opinion but I’ll have to save my defense of it for another day.

This is just a dappling of my journey but I fell in love with becoming a person of principle.  I liked myself better, I was investing in something bigger than myself, I was being the change I wanted to see in the world, rather than simply complaining about it.  I was proud of who I was becoming.

That brings me to sin #2.  Unrighteous Dominion.  I admit, I’ve struggled with this for most of my married life.  Granted, my husband traveling for the majority of the time, didn’t make things easy because I had to fill both parental roles while he was gone (maybe I should emphasize that I TRIED to – not very often was I successful).  And then when he was here, I’d try to just be the wife and mother – but he kept making foolish decisions, so I’d have to correct him, right.   Yeah, yeah yeah, I know.  I’d like to be able to justify my stepping on his toes or not honoring his role as I should, but just because I didn’t mean to sin, doesn’t change the fact that I was usurping his responsibilities.  It was degrading to him and not allowing him to rise to his potential.  I’ve repented of this tendency many times, but I still struggle a great deal.  I’m a work in progress. 

So with that little background, here’s my current conflict.  Several months ago, my diabetic son was hospitalized for Ketoacidosis.  I went through the game of all the hospital staff trying to persuade us to enroll in Medicaid because we don’t have insurance.  It would be sooooo much easier on our budget, and the cost of hospitalization would be horrendous, etc. etc. etc.  I even had an enlightening conversation with an extreme leftist who felt the honorable thing to do was to allow society to pay for our expenses.  

On and on and on was the campaign to have us conform to an incorrect principle.  But I’m proud to say, (there’s that word again) I resisted and we successfully had several outrageous bills from the Emergency Room doctor, the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, and the Pediatrician. 

Now there is a reason we don’t have insurance.  We can’t afford it.  My husband is one of the hardest working and diligent men I know, but I can’t say he’s ever been financially profitable.  So in other words, we are broke.   So about a month ago, I realized I was doing the whole unrighteous dominion thing again, by not even counseling with my husband on how we should deal with the new hospital bills.  After all, he is the one that is breaking his back trying to provide for this family.   So I sat down and discussed our situation with him.  I stated my preference and my acceptance of being in bondage to the hospital for the remainder of my life, if it meant that we are making a principled choice.  And then I asked what he thought we should do.   

And of all the nerve, he said he wanted to apply for Medicaid with the “justification” that we pay taxes and have probably paid that amount over the years, and others would have donated funds for our cause, if they knew it, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  Granted, he’s not taken the same journey that I have, but I thought we were on the same page as far as not supporting a flawed system. 

Obviously I’ve underestimated the pressures he’s been feeling at providing for all of us.  And so, after an internal analysis, I supported his decision and applied for Medicaid. 

. . . . . . . .   Just kill me now. 

And I’ll admit, it felt glorious to remove those 4-5 digit debts off our liabilities.  It really did.  I want to help alleviate as much stress as I can off his shoulders.  But now I’m in conflict cuz’ I’m adding hypocrisy to my list of sins. 

So are some sins justified?  Is Unrighteous Dominion a worse sin than pride in a noble thing or being a hypocrite to one’s own beliefs?  It would be wonderful if the Lord gave us the funds we needed in order to preserve my integrity so that I wouldn’t have to choose, but I get the suspicious feeling that he is making something bigger out of us than simply a welfare project.  How can I support my husband’s decision without feeling that I have cheated my posterity of the legacy they deserve?  Where is the compromise that brings peace of conscience?  I don’t know that I have the answers, but like all my prayers, if I am patient enough, things will eventually work out. 

But in the meantime, I want to publicly apologize and express appreciation to the millions of Americans who have been required through forced charity to donate their funds for my son’s medical needs.   As well as apologize for my inconsistent and weakness of character.  I know my favorite quote of “Be the Change you wish to see in the World” is not an easy challenge, and so I’ll continue to pursue it.  I'm just not sure how at the moment. 

Guarentees... Worth Loving For.

I haven't been able to write for awhile.  I've wanted to, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Now it seems as though I'm needing to push myself to write.  Hoping for healing and clarification and closure.

Death. . .

I’ve seen a lot of it lately.  I’m calling it “The Year of Death”. 

And not the they-lived-a-good-long-life-and-time-for-a-rest type death.  All of them have been completely unexpected and a shock.  Two took their own life and one was found dead from a seizure and another died suddenly from a heart aneurism.  And then my daughter’s dog was run over.   I’m hoping the year of death is coming to a close. 

Nate – my Nephew who has been battling depression.  I felt sorrow for the degree of pain he must have experienced and a little surprised he had the courage to follow through with his “stupid and selfish” plans.  Most of my anguish has been because of the heartache his suicide has brought to his family, his parents in particular as well as my daughter (who was his closest cousin). 

Sagan – my neice who suffered from seizures.  Interestingly enough, I cried the most over this loss – Maybe it was because the repeat of sorrow from Nate, maybe because I was in a place where I could cry uncontrollably and no one would notice, but more likely it was because I realized I never even knew her.  They posted pictures of her on facebook and I never would have recognized her as a family member.  It crushed me that I had failed in nurturing any type of relationship with her – just because she grew up in another state. 

Tracy – my brother-in-law and Nate’s father.  I still feel ashamed about this one.   I feel angry, frustrated, unresolved.  Yes, he lost his battle with depression and I’m sorry about that, but my anger is that our relationship with him and his relationship with God was strained, and he killed himself before setting it right.  I’m going to have to confess that this death is the one I’m struggling with the most and I’m not sure how to resolve it. 

Bill (Isaac) – my own flesh and blood brother.  His heart suddenly exploded and he left behind a sweet wife and four young children.  Of all the deaths, this one has been the easiest for me.  Maybe it’s because this has become familiar territory - dealing with death, but I think it’s more likely due that I have felt genuine peace.   I have had heavenly assurance that he is well and happy and that God is pleased with his faithful life.   Of all the sudden deaths – this is the one that did it right.

Ezry – Dakota’s puppy cure for her discouragement of breaking her other ankle.   I feel kind of silly adding a dog at the end of this list of family members but it has been a contributing factor in our family’s experience of death.  It was either the icing on the cake or it was a little too close to home for some of my children because this was also a painful loss.

We’ve had lots of talks and family discussions about death and reviewing the plan of salvation in an attempt to make sense of it all.  We cry at sporadic times and are surprised at how many areas of our life is affected by these.  

I never thought about death being done right before.  I mean, we all die.  100% of us will die.  That's a guarentee that we can all bank on.  And death causes pain to those who are left behind - 100% guarenteed.  Even hearing of one's death that we never knew causes a miniscule amount of pain (if we are honest with ourselves), compassion requires it.

So with those guarentees - death and pain - control seems out of the question.  But we do have some choice in the matter.   There is already a natural avoidance of death (unless your mental health is askew and you actually desire it) and so at least everyone is giving a fighting chance to prolong the inevitable for as long as possible.  

However, the desire to avoid pain can be pursued in one of two ways.   Resist making heart connections so that when the inevitable occurs - it SEEMS less painful.  But that didn't work for me in the case of Sagan.  Not that I sought to avoid making a connection - life just happened.   I hardly knew her, but I was torn with guilt that I hadn't.  Besides, the other effects of detachment brings a hardened character, a calloused heart and desensitization - Not Good Qualities to work for. 

The other option is to embrace the opportunity to connect.  Cherish the relationship.  Take every chance to express love and spend quality time.  This course creates a great deal of pain but also fills you with treasured memories, increases the quality of your life, and there are no regrets.  

As Tennyson famously said, 

                  "It is better to have loved and lost, 
                   than to never have loved at all"

The losing someone is guarenteed.  Better love them while you can.  

Choosing HOPE

I have to. . . .

Consider the alternative.

My nephew killed himself today.  He has been battling with suicidal thoughts for several years now.  And even though he was getting counseling, had support from family and friends, and making a valiant effort to resist, his fight was in vain.

As I watched his parents deal with the loss, my heart was breaking for them.   They were numb with grief.  There was nothing I or anyone else could do to alleviate or share in the pain they were experiencing.

How does one find meaning in a tragedy such as this?  How does one even begin to pick up the pieces to put life together again?

I know I went through the whole gamut of emotions.  Shock, denial, guilt, anger, confusion, and deep sadness.  Some feelings such as the initial shock, were instantaneous and then on to the next.  Some were reoccuring sporadically such as I couldn't believe this had really happened.  Some feelings kept popping in there and I had to consciously reject it, such as the guilt that I hadn't done more and anger with myself for being so consumed in my own little traumas (which paled now in comparison) that I couldn't be there for him.  I even felt anger that I wasn't more in tune with the spirit to respond and possibly help to avoid this tragedy.  I was feeling lost and confused in being unsure what to do now.  How to help, how to cope, how to even pray for direction.  And finally the deep sadness, some of it from the loss of his life, but mostly as I saw the heartache from his death.  I watched each of my children go through similar cycles.   I saw his family experience these emotions at an even deeper level.

 And when all the tears have run dry and the head throbs from being emotional for so long - eventually a lighter side of perspective comes into play.  Whether it is finding and holding on to fond memories, or finding something worthwhile to put your focus on rather than on your grief.  At least for the moment, until the negative emotions press down again for another go-around.  Then eventually, with time, the deep feelings will lighten and the pain will turn to a dull but constant ache.

Yes, time can do miracles - but so can hope.

There's the kind of eternal hope that he will be reunited with his body at some point and that we'll be able to see him again some day.   And the hope that an all loving Heavenly Father is reunited with him now and so he can finally experience peace.  There's the hope that his eternal position and consequence is only a temporary punishment for the taking of an innocent life.  And the hope that his life and now his death will have lasting positive influence in my heart as well as in the lives of those who were fortunate enough to know him.

I suppose I could choose bitterment, resentment, victimhood, or build walls to prevent experiencing any emotion.  I could be so angry that I don't have the answers or understand "why".  I could blame God and say "I won't play with you anymore" because things are not turning out the way I think they should.  I could pretend it doesn't really matter or effect me.  That life has no purpose or no grand scheme - and go through meaningless busy motions so as not to experience the soul-searching emotions.

There are plenty of avenues that could be chosen.  But I choose hope.  Just like I don't have all the answers or understand completely everything about this thing called life - I choose to Believe in Christ.  And now that I don't understand completely everything about this thing called death - I choose the Hope that comes through Christ.  My nephew ended his life because he couldn't find or see the hope that was surrounding him.  And so I have to choose HOPE.

Pioneering Sacrifice

The following is the transcript of a talk I gave in church on 7-12-2015.

In the spring of 1836, my great grandfather (4 x removed), having been a convert to the restored gospel, sold his farm, settled his business and moved multiple times to temporary locations in order to move his family to Kirtland, Ohio to be with the saints.  One of the first items of business was to take an axe and cut a hole in the ice big enough for his friend, Wilford Woodruff, to get down and baptize his oldest son, my direct line ancestor, and several other children.  He later recounted that being baptized in ice water, froze him into the church, and he never would leave it. 

At that time, it was common for new male converts to be sent on missions directly after their ordination to the priesthood.  It was less common to be sent in pairs but always without purse or script.  However my ancestor, Jonathan Harriman Hale was sent in company of Elder Wilford Woodruff to the northeast and they relied on the kindness of the persons they met to lodge and feed them. 

In Canton, Connecticut, Jonathan recalled that as soon as a meeting to preach the gospel commenced in the evening, “the drums began to beat at the door and continued during most of the meeting.  After the meeting was closed with prayer, the people gathered around us and began to ‘gnash upon us with their teeth.”  After they were able to escape they retired to a grove and gave thanks to God for their deliverance.

As with other wives in Kirtland whose husbands were gone on missions, Olive Hale and Phebe Woodruff were lonely, prayed for their husbands morning and night, provided for themselves and their children, took care of business matters, procured and prepared food, planted crops, raised the children in the ways of the Lord, occasionally attended lectures and “sings” in the evenings, and coped with frequent illnesses.

Jonathon went on and filled a total of eight special missions for the church.  In Nauvoo he filled positions as bishop of one of the wards, colonel in the Nauvoo Legion, director of schools, collector of donations and tithing for the Nauvoo Temple, and recorder of baptisms for the dead.  When the saints were driven from Nauvoo, he was appointed to assist the saints from Nauvoo to Winter Quarters. 

While in a tent at Winter Quarters, a new child was born into the Hale family.  The next day, Jonathan Harriman Hale died (probably from Typhoid), and only four days later, his faithful wife, Olive, sick and weak from childbirth and malaria joined her husband.  The next week their 2 ½ year old daughter died from malaria and finally the new baby, only 22 days old.  So father, mother, and two daughters all died within a few week’s time and buried in Council bluffs in an unmarked grave, leaving four orphaned children alone and homeless and needing to cross the plains by themselves. 

WHY – Meaning and Define

One might ask – Why?  Why was it necessary to sacrifice so much?  Why is sacrifice even necessary? Or is it necessary at all?  Are we just making things harder than they have to be?

Like most things that pertain to “Why” – both its creation and its understanding, it is best to start at the beginning – at the purpose or the master plan. 

(Abraham 3:25)

We will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever

the Lord their God shall command them.

Proof requires evidence.  Part of that evidence can come as obedience or doing what we are asked to do.  Another aspect of that evidence is Sacrifice – what one is willing to give up in order to keep God’s commands.  We know that Obedience is the first law of Heaven and “To OBEY is better than SACRIFICE” but the very nature of obedience and sacrifice are interdependent. It’s almost impossible to obey without sacrifice.  And to sacrifice just for the means of sacrifice alone, doesn’t prove where our allegiance lies.

For instance:  For everything there is an opportunity cost, or in other words, for everything that is seen there is also something that is not seen.  In order to obey, it involves an action.  That is what is seen.  What is not seen is the loss of or deprivation of what could have been chosen instead. When one chooses to keep the law of tithing (that is what is seen), that choice also has the opportunity cost of not being able to use that money on something else (what is not seen).  If you look closely at all of God’s commands, obedience requires some type of sacrifice.

Fasting – Sacrifice of physical needs

           Sabbath – Sacrifice of time (1/7 of our earthly time)

           Word of Wisdom – Sacrifice of worldly pleasures

           Chastity – Sacrifice of worldly pleasures

We could take that one step further and find that for every sacrifice made or command obeyed, there is the unseen aspect attached to it.  A kind of cause and effect or consequence for our choices.  What the world sees as deprivation has the unseen results of blessings or refinement, preparation, added power. 

If we reverse that and look at the blessings as the seen, the sacrifice which is necessary to bring that blessing about is the unseen.  Make no mistake about it, All blessings require sacrifice of some type.  Even if we aren’t the ones who paid the price, it was purchased by proxy.  The freedom of this nation was paid by the blood of our founding fathers.  The opportunity to go to the temple was paid for in the blood, sweat, and tears of our forefathers.  And the greatest price paid for the greatest blessing available to all is that great and last Sacrifice – the atonement. All blessings require a sacrifice of some type.  

History of Sacrifice – Acceptable or Not

So back to the beginning of time.  We know Adam and Eve and their posterity, were commanded to make blood sacrifices to the Lord in order to point toward or remember the ultimate sacrifice that would be made by the Lord.

Those sacrifices on the alter - the burnt offering, the sin offering, the peace offering – were both symbolic of the Saviors atonement as well as evidence/proof of our obedience.

Can we make a sacrifice and it not be acceptable to the Lord?  You bet we can.  Cain was the first who, comparably speaking, went through the motions of saying his prayers or reading his scriptures, or keeping the Sabbath Day holy, without his heart in the right place.  The appearance of sacrifice is not the evidence the Lord is looking for. 

*There’s also the sacrifice which the sons of Aaron made that was not acceptable.

*Saul performing the sacrificial ritual rather than waiting for the authorized servant of the Lord. 

*Many ancient cultures made human sacrifices in an attempt to appease God – Abraham was being offered in this manner – but it is going through the motions without the sanction or counsel of the Lord. 

*What about the Rich man – we know when he was told to sell all his things, he went away sorrowing.  Even if he had gone through the “motions” of obedience he would have done it begrudgingly.

So what makes a sacrifice acceptable to the Lord?

D&C 97:8

Verily I say unto you, all among them who know their hearts are honest, and are broken,

and their spirits contrite, and are willing to observe their covenants by sacrifice –

yea, every sacrifice which I the Lord, shall command – they are accepted of me.

Did you catch the current definition of sacrifice of a broken heart and a contrite spirit in there? The humble and teachable are the ones who go through the seen motions of obedience and it is their offering that is acceptable.

 -Lectures on Faith

A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation. …It was through this sacrifice, and this only, that God has ordained that men should enjoy eternal life. …When a man has offered in sacrifice all that he has for the truth’s sake, not even withholding his life, and believing before God that he has been called to make this sacrifice because he seeks to do his will, he does know, most assuredly, that God does and will accept his sacrifice and offering, and that he has not, nor will not seek his face in vain.  Under these circumstances, then he can obtain the faith necessary for him to lay hold on eternal life.

See the reason we’re providing evidence to the Lord or proving that we are willing to submit to all that he inflicts upon us – It’s not about being like puppets for his masterpiece.  It’s not about bringing glory or giving homage to God because we recognize that he is greater than we are.  It’s not even about earning brownie points in order to receive the reward of the Celestial Kingdom. 

It’s about us “BECOMING”.  It’s about us "BECOMING” It’s about us progressing and growing and changing into something more and it can’t happen without the sacrifice.  It is proving ourselves to ourselves.

The ancient definition of Sacrifice is: To make something or someone holy

We all understand that what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.  Opposition develops appreciation.  And trials, tribulations, and hardships are the refining fire to remove the impurities from our character.  But those things are circumstantial in nature and automatically a by-product of mortal life.  However, the law of sacrifice is self-imposed, voluntarily turning up the heat in order to discipline ourselves, mold our character, and push us beyond the point that we could do on our own.  We choose it.

We have to choose covenants over comforts and remember that Pain provides purpose.

We have to choose covenants over comforts and remember that Pain provides purpose.

The ancient sacrifice was a blood sacrifice.  And prophecy tells us that the sons of Levi will once again offer a blood sacrifice in righteousness.  But the ancient sacrifice took a life.  Our blood sacrifice of today is giving a life.  It is a ‘living’ sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto God.  Elder Christofferson outlined it beautifully in his talk on living a consecrated life. 

Modern Day Pioneers

But we live in the last days.  The world has got some pretty big problems and spiritual darkness is rampant across the land.  You and I have been reserved for these last days so that we will either face and change those problems or be a contributing factor to amplifying them. I believe we were born to change them or at best to resist the spread of them. 

We are the modern pioneers, laying the groundwork necessary, not only for future generations, but for the Lord himself to come and reign in righteousness.  No longer can good exist in regular circumstances, we have to fight for it.  And we won’t be enough to fulfill that measure of our creation without being willing to sacrifice.  Greatness is purchased with the price of sacrifice.

And the Lord will be testing each one of us to see where our heart and our allegiance truly lies.  Just as Abraham was required to sacrifice his only beloved son, as a test, each one of us will be tested in some way, geared toward our weakest point, to see if the Lord can depend on us to carry out his work. 

I’ve outlined a few ideas or characteristics that I feel are part of the modern pioneer.

.    

   Modern Day pioneers serve  – We can’t be selfish, self-serving, shallow, or even temporal.  But instead be a force for good and touch the life of someone

2 Modern Day pioneers are bold – That means we have the courage to walk away from that which can wear us down and keep us from our destination.  Testifying boldly in person or on social media while standing firm when the torrents of rage, name calling, logic and warped perspective attack.  Bringing children into this corrupt world and raising them in righteousness. 

3 Modern Day pioneers are governed by principles – not by popularity.  There is the example of the one brother who sacrificed his job because he refused to work on Sunday.  There is a huge pressure in the Mormon culture to keep up appearances of righteousness, without necessarily living all of the underlying principles.  Rest assured that will be tested.

4 Modern Day pioneers have not only private virtue but also public virtue.  That means that the needs of the many or the needs of the nation outweigh the needs of their personal interest.  I’ve heard it said that a person’s morals are determined by their pocketbook.  We may have to sacrifice what is in our self- interest for a greater, more important cause.

5 Modern Day pioneers lead – Recognizing what leadership needs to take place and going about setting into place those needs rather than simply complaining or waiting until someone else creates it. Listening to the call-out from the Lord to fulfill whatever is required for our personal mission. 

It is my hope with clarity of the history, purpose, and vision of the law of sacrifice that we will be able to prepare ourselves to become those modern day pioneers.