In regard to my
post regarding having faith in Fear, I had pondered that concept for well over
two months and believed I had had a fairly firm grasp on it. It probably wasn’t a week later I had a huge
trial where I was overcome with fear.
Not a life or death fear, but a paralyzing fear all the same. I was sobbing as I experienced that unnecessary
pain. Then it occurred to me that I was
full of faith…Faith in Fear. Faith that
I couldn’t have what I so desperately wanted. Faith that the past would repeat
itself. Faith that I wasn’t good enough,
or blessed enough, or simply… enough to have what I wanted for my family. Well, that realization brought a whole new
level of pain because I knew I could choose out of it but felt powerless to do
so.
As
always, time, re-evaluating my situation, and trusting that God was aware of my
pain brought peace to my heart. I had
learned to have faith in God, and put my selfish fears aside for something even
better. But what is interesting to me is
the fact that I learned from my own writing, my own musings.
It
happened again yesterday. I went visiting
teaching and it was a very typical visit.
I sat on the couch between the two sisters who chatted back and forth
(they’ve known each other a lot longer than I’ve known them) with my little
inserts here and there. One of my
inserts was a comment that I didn’t really think much about – it just came out
and I figured it was true enough. They
were talking back and forth about all the things they worry and fret
about. I casually said that if we would
just put our energies into doing the things we are supposed to do, we would be
too busy to worry about the things we can’t do anything about. They agreed with the comment that we aren’t
getting everything done they should and that was probably good advice. That was the end of it.
Then
this morning I woke up around 4:00am.
Just woke up for no reason at all.
As I lay there, my mind wandered to all the things that are going wrong
in my life.
*Both of my adult
children have been unable to find employment, and are just stuck in life. Shakespeare can’t pursue her education, or
work in a third world country (her latest desire) because she has no way to pay
for anything. Due to the isolated nature
of where we live, they aren’t dating or experiencing much of anything socially. And she’s struggling with a claustrophic
depression, caused by the timing or need to leave home but not being able to
come up with the means.
*My son also
concerns me greatly. He has taken to
beating himself up and constantly reinforcing how horrible he is. He seems stuck in this downward spiral of
loathing self and creating opportunities to loathe himself some more. It goes without saying that I can’t trust him
to do a large majority of what I ask him to because that would create success
and would sabotage his self-fulfilling prophecy.
*This of course
causes contention for the rest of the family and chaos in the function of the
home. His well-meaning sisters, (who
resent him for his poor choice of behavior) try to correct him, which goes over
like a brick floating in water. Everyone’s heart is at war and peace is
becoming a foreign concept.
*I’ve been so
focused on getting my house in order so that we can function somewhat normally,
that I’ve not taken time to ‘be’ with my younger children. Yes they got fed and diapers changed but the
heart of mommy has been far removed.
Needless to say, their deficit is becoming painfully known. Fighting, bossing, hitting, whining,
demanding, and all around snottyness is becoming their norm.
*As mentioned
before, I have really been putting a focus on specific areas. The yard and garden are finally getting
attention. The laundry was finally
caught up. Errands and finances have
been put into order. And I’ve been
wracking my brain trying to create an opportunity as well as finish preparations
for school to begin. The combination of
focused energy and neglected children, I’ve not had the desire to enforce
appropriate behavior standards. The
chores are less than ok and the morale of the home is even less than that. I went to bed last night with no desire to
even be a mom for awhile. Pretty
sad.
So,
this morning when I woke up and was stewing over the sad state of affairs in
the Osburn household, I decided to get up and pour my soul out to God. Before I said anything, my thoughts turned to
that comment I made during Visiting Teaching. If I would just do the things
that I’m supposed to do instead of worry about the things I can’t control – I wouldn’t
have time to fret. And so instead of pleading for help, I felt to
thank him for the peace I was beginning to feel. I asked for power to put my energies into
loving and supporting my children better and asked forgiveness for my selfish
behavior lately. It was an interesting shift of energy. Before I knelt down, I felt pretty high on
the hopeless scale. And as soon as I
channeled my thoughts, I felt peace, empowerment, assurance, and ready to roll
up my sleeves and get to work.
