Should Decisions be based on Thoughts? or Feelings?

Second Guessing…

Questioning again…

No longer secure in my decision…

This is such a frequent occurrence, I feel like I’m on a roller coaster.  The other night, we attended the local high school play.  The community kids shone with confidence and talent.  They were such in-the-zone being silly and fun and professional – all at the same time.  What made it worse was the play was a based on high school aged kids.  As I’m sitting there admiring their performance and connection with the audience, I couldn’t help but feel that my kids are being left out.  That maybe they are missing opportunities that can’t be made up at any other time.  That maybe sending them to public school wouldn’t be all that bad and may be what they need to really find and reach their potential.  I mean, look at the neighbor kids.  So confident, so accomplished, so… much… more… 

It’s ironic that these reflections were caused through theater – the one area that I feel they are getting a very good foundation and experience through Shakespeare and Activate.

I tried to push down those thoughts, knowing that I’ve already thought this thing through and felt confident with my decision.  But then I think about my own high school experience.  I loved it.  I loved the social life and felt I could conquer the world from the rush of being with friends.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, the school work was a part of the equation too, to some degree, but it wasn’t what fueled me.  I got through the study because of the social.  Flirting with cute boys, long talks with girlfriends, passing notes, hanging out in the hallway, ever aware of what was cool and popular.  It was a good life, I think. 

So why have I basically quarantined my children to an isolated farm life, with no local friends, very limited extra-curricular activity, and a heavy emphasis on scholarly study. 

As I considered the prospect of my children being in this community play, it became obvious that they would have been given a lesser part- just as some less popular or less talented kids had.  They would have been the low man on the totem pole.  Would that experience still be as satisfying to them as I had hoped?  Would being a lesser than - rather than an equal to – given them the confidence, the accomplishments, the umph to reach their potential? 

But back to the question at hand.  Is homeschooling the best option for my children? And, if I am to homeschool my children, don’t they deserve to have a fun mom with an abundance of energy, creativity, and financial resources.   Is teaching them how to work…hard… so very important at this stage in their life?  Is ‘work before play’ an adult’s mantra and should a child’s be ‘play hard before years and years of unceasing work’.  Is once a week social for a couple of hours in a scholarly setting enough of a social life to keep them excited and motivated about life?  I honestly don’t know. 

But here are some things I do know.   I love my children.  I want them to have every advantage to a happy and productive life that they can, even beyond their high school years.  I have been given stewardship over their education and upbringing, and I FEEL like the decisions I’ve made are right.  I don’t know why they shouldn’t have the same experiences that I had growing up and so I have to trust that God has a work for them that is more or at least different than the typical public school preparation. 

The questions and concerns I have can best be described as ‘doubts’.  The decisions and the direction I’m going can best be described as ‘confidence, trust, & enlightenment’.  

Do I still have doubts – YES.  Am I going to abandon my decision because I don’t have all the answers or see the entire picture?  Am I going to let thoughts of ‘what if’s’ or ‘logic’ or ‘everybody else is doing it and they seem fine’ replace my internal guidance of the spirit?  I’d have to say NO.  I will put those thoughts in the back of my mind to consider the validity of them in respect to my and their mission and if I feel impressed to act on that, then I can move forward.  

Until then, I’ll keep on keeping on.  

Strength Training

Burdens are uncomfortable.

It was used again today.  That old object lesson of putting rocks (in this case, pretty shaped concrete used for lawn trim) in a backpack - showing the discomfort of carrying around unnecessary weights.

You know, how each rock represents something that we choose to carry with us (such as sin, or debt, or hatred, etc.) and the point being that we don't have to carry such a heavy burden.  I always took that lesson at point value before, but now, I'm reconsidering.

As the young man who was volunteered to wear the backpack began to sway slightly with each added block, the thought came to me - 'He'll be stronger for carrying that'.  I don't suppose that would have supported the purpose of the lesson.  Can you imagine the point becoming 'Avoid carrying unnecessary burdens so you can be a weakling'.  

But as I look back over my life and view the strength of character of those I admire, it wasn't because our backs were unburdened, but because we worked through the burn and discomfort of carrying that weight. We created new muscle and fortified our stance by the resistance that was placed on us.  

Case in point.  Some burdens are placed on us and some we place on ourselves.  Some burdens are for our growth and some are stumbling blocks to growth.  

I'd like to be able to say that those burdens that we place on ourselves are the ones that cause us to stop growth - but that's not always the case.  Setting goals, establishing higher standards, stretching ourselves to reach greater heights are all examples of self-imposed burdens that create growth.

Yes, giving in to addictions or sin; holding on to negative emotions such as doubt, fear, or anger; or withholding forgiveness and love are self-imposed baggage that when shed, it feels so good to rid yourself of that pressure.  But let's be honest.  Carrying that weight DOES make you stronger.

Stronger in your addiction or viewpoint, more familiar and comfortable with the negative results that these things produce, more consistent in the type of person these burdens create.

Likewise, facing a complicated health issue or loss of a loved one, working through financial challenges, or even something as simple as having to go without a washer and dryer for awhile; those burdens make you stronger, more able to hurdle the next obstacle, or give you the maturity to be patient and trusting and roll up your sleeves to find another way.

Is there actual danger involved in these burdens.  I suppose so - many have lost their way, given up, or found a cover up that is worse than the original burden.  But most of the time, just like the old saying, 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.

That makes me think of the argument opposing homeschooling. Stating that children need to be in public school so that they will be strong enough to handle the challenges of the real world.  They are like a muscle in strength training.  As they experience resistance, they may break a little bit but will be that much stronger because they will develop the muscle necessary to stand strong.  And for a long time I thought that was a justifiable argument - until I looked into the scriptures to find the Lord's counsel.

He tells us to stand in holy places - not in opposition.  To fortify our faith by immersing ourselves in the scriptures and keeping the commandments.  He has never counseled us to put ourselves in compromising situations in order to become stronger.  Strength in him comes only through Him - not the adversary.

The irony is that the Lord puts us in those situations all the time.  He answers our prayers with opportunities to grow through resistance, through experience, through breaking our will just enough that we develop new strength... by depending on His strength.  

So what's the difference?

The only thing I can figure is who is placing the burden on us. If it is the adversary or ourselves - that baggage can be back breaking.  If it happens because we are learning to surrender to the Lord's will - that burden is sanctifying, that burden is counted for our good and growth, that burden is in our best interest.

As the Scripture says:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden,  and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."