I'm HONESTLY DisHonest

The other day I was being interviewed for a renewal of my temple recommend.  The questions were fairly simple to answer and there was a certain amount of “Whew – (wipe forehead) I must be doing something right” feeling.  But I was surprised how one question has lingered in my thoughts as I’ve wondered if I was accurate in my answer.  I don’t recall the exact wording, but it’s the question that asks if I am honest in all my dealings with my fellow men.  Up until recently, I felt I had been.  Now I’m beginning to wonder if that question has more layers than I first imagined.

MY FIRST EFFORT

When I was in High School, I was probably a typical teen.  Ultimately good but had practices that were a bit borderline.  At college I recognized that one of those borderline behaviors had become a polished skill  – I was really good at lying.  I don’t recall practicing or even intentionally trying to be deceptive, but I could very convincingly alter the facts to portray whatever image or story I was promoting at the time.  Nothing major, mind you, but those “little white lies” came incredibly easy for me.  It came in handy when working on a secret surprise for someone or making myself look more innocent than I truly was.  I’m not sure what triggered the desire to alter this skill but at some point I decided that I was going to be 100% honest.  No more white lies, no more “what they don’t know won’t hurt them”, no more half-truths – just the bone back facts.

 

And that’s when I really began to see how gifted of a liar I was.  I had the force (think star wars)… the force of habit.  There was immense pain as I would automatically alter the details (with no perceived purpose for doing so) out of habit.  I recall one incident that involved tickets for a performance on campus.  It would have been so easy to fudge on the details of my status and gotten the tickets for a greatly reduced rate and I began to do so, but something helped me (maybe a still small voice) to correct the misunderstanding and pay full rate.  And surprising to me, I FELT GLORIOUS.  The rush from being honest was 10 times the rush from getting a cheaper ticket.  I couldn’t believe how enlarged my soul felt for doing such a simple little thing. What do drugs/alcohol have to offer compared to this?

After that episode, I knew that my priorities had changed permanently.  Honesty truly was the best policy. 

DECEPTIONS ALL AROUND

For about 25 years now, I’ve answered that “honesty” question in the affirmative because I thought I had conquered that mountain.  Telling the truth had become as much a habit for me now as the stretching it had been before. 

However, during the last several years, I’ve noticed an increasing level of discomfort for things that I never paid attention to before.  Maybe my “honesty” mission had gone to the extreme, because things like magicians [sleight of hand], actors [pretended identity], and even comedy [anything for a laugh] were seen as different flavors of deception and false images.  The great social and time pressures, 

even as adults, promote falsehoods such as “keep up with the Jones’s”, “let’s not, and say we did”, or agree to having read contracts that haven’t actually been read (one of my great weaknesses, I’m afraid).  

Even noble intentions such as having compassion toward others used a certain amount of duplicity under the titles of being ‘tactful’ [Does this make me look fat] or ‘diplomatic’ [common ground with an ulterior motive].  Setting goals and stating positive affirmations with the philosophy of “Fake it till you make it” is a “believe and you can achieve” pretense.  Whether it is the creation process or not doesn’t change the fact that it is a discrepancy from the current reality.

Plato, in setting up an “ideal” society considered which approach should be used in regard to the teaching of young children.  He identified that we could teach truth… or we could teach lies – and of course we would begin their learning with lies.     I was appalled as I realized that is exactly what we do with all the fairy tales, fables, tall tales, and other fictional stories.   I recall my niece’s confession that she felt betrayed by her parents when she found out about Santa Claus.   At the time, I was amused by her comment but now wondered about the value of that tradition.

Yep - Society is dripping in Deception.

And this past month, I finally realized that society has a double standard of ethics.  One for personal (or religious) and one for games.  WIN – at the expense of another, take advantage of the opponent’s weakness, strategize to prevent their advancement, steal the ball, etc.  Even my scriptural heroes of Ammon and Captain Moroni used guile and strategy to accomplish their objectives. 

A NECESSARY EVIL

In most cases, honesty trumps deception, but I get how living in an imperfect world requires altercations from the ideal. Immanual Kant helped me to realize this.  He believed honesty in ALL situations was necessary… so if the authorities came to his door and asked if he had Jews in his house, he would not only confirm the suspicion with an affirmative, but take them to the hiding place.  But to be fair, he would be known for his impeccable honesty and the Jews knew he wouldn’t lie for them.

I, however, believe that preserving a life from an evil is a greater good than keeping my word, in that respect.  And so, Yes, I believe we must take the spirit to be our guide to discern between absolute or relative ethics in any particular situation, or to discern between being without guile or using strategy for a greater good. 

SOCIETY TO SELF

Keeping up with the Joneses may be a worldly pursuit, but “Keeping Up Appearances” is evident on multiple levels. 

Social media is gaining the reputation of displaying only the good that is happening in one’s life (with the occasional rant).  Which doesn’t show a complete well rounded picture of one’s genuine status.

There is the self-betrayal that might happens at every choice.  If I choose to follow my inner voice, everything is fine, but when I choose contrary to my true self, not only am I being deceitful to myself, I am disempowered at making the next choice correctly or experiencing happiness as a result.  Gotta stay the course so I don’t have to eat crow. 

A believer in Christ is still only human and prone to weaknesses.  It’s a delicate business finding the balance between genuine humility and confidence in Christ.  Sadly, many don’t find that balance very easily and become hypocrites because their effort.  I would fall into that category more often than I like.  A trapped into being a hypocrite (explained in greater detail here) is another example of not being honest with self.  And there is an unspoken standard to preach the gospel without indicating personal failure or weakness – as if the Bishop is the only one that the spiritually sick are to receive the administrations from the great physician or that others cannot benefit from my brokenness.  It’s not true, but it the socially acceptable behavior.  Ironically, the very first step in the repentance process is to honestly admit that I am powerless to overcome my struggles on my own and that my life has become unmanageable.  That takes a huge amount of honesty with self and with God.  It goes back to the drawing the line and clarifying which part is mine and which part is yours. 

We all want to have our act together and somewhere along the lines, that seems to be defined as being happy… all the time.  There is great pressure to not allow others to see or even to experience pain… or confusion… or cry… or are less than… or are lonely… or vulnerable to weakness… or slobs… or are sad… or poor… or… the list goes on and on.   As if being {fill in the blank} is a sin or causing harm to society at large.  Worth our sympathy but not our empathy.  Good intentioned advice might be to “Choose out of it”, “make a state change”, “don’t let others know”, or “ignore it and it will go away”.  The only problem I’m seeing with this is that it denies what IS before trying to change it.  There is value in experiencing and “BEING” and these consequences are set in place for a learning opportunity – not a hiding opportunity. 

And I’ve recently become acutely aware of the damaging effects of not being brutally honest emotionally.  Stuffing the emotions or adopting the “voice” of shame rather than identifying what I feel, experiencing it,determine its truthfulness and then letting it go or choosing to learn from it.   Emotional honesty is nothing more than a conscious awareness of what is going on in my internal world and am willing to share with others what I feel, perceive, think, understand, etc.  Emotional dishonesty can exhibit itself through procrastination, manipulation, pride, entitlement mentality, reacting in fear, denial, agreeing with shame messages, selfishness, blaming, judging, and even physical illness.  It’s such an abstract experience, it’s hard to identify, but the negative results caused by emotional ‘shtuff’-ing indicates another level of keeping up appearances that’s not based on truth.  One can not be honest and emotional dishonest at the same time.  And that reality hurts.

IN SEARCH OF PERSONAL HONESTY

With heightened awareness of these varied levels of honesty, I’m not sure how to sincerely answer the temple recommend interview question.  But an additional perk is I’m making more effort at BEING, being okay with my vulnerability or brokenness, feeling my emotions and internally processing what that means, and seeking Christ more fully in my efforts to be his disciple.

And I'll work on not entering so many contracts if I don't want to read them (wink)

The Pains of Progress

I’m feeling stuck between sins. 

I’m not sure that’s possible but that is how I’m feeling.

I’ll try and relate this internal turmoil as best I can but know that this is a very personal struggle and based on my growth insights, so it may be difficult to explain to any degree of comprehension.

Sin #1 – First, a little background.  As I began my homeschool journey, the world of opportunities opened up to me.  Among those was the idea that I could be a person of principle.  Making decisions and impacting others in a positive manner based on correct governing principles.  Of course I was already making decisions and impacting others previously - but the basis for my decisions were very selfish and immature in nature.  Hardly something I wanted to have emulated.   Such as what is convenient and easy . . . or costs less . . . or everybody else is doing . . . or gives me the most gain . . . or makes me look good . . . or satisfies my five senses . . . or is the most fun . . . or even because it’s tradition.

Pretty shallow motives for living life. 

But as I began to study people throughout history, I began to notice that the choices they made were for a nobler purpose.   Such as what is morally and ethically RIGHT (which in our day is rarely convenient, easy, cheap, popular, fun, profitable, palatable, fashionable, or socially acceptable).  It was an internal government rather than an external motivation.  A higher intent rather than a base objective.  I began to feel inspired by their greatness and desire to make my life matter – not necessarily to be seen by others but because I wanted to look back on my life with satisfaction without regrets.  I wanted to be good.  And for the first time I was seeing the discrepancy between choosing the right (CTR – if I’d been commanded in what to choose) and BE-ing the right (choice at the heart level). 

At first, my becoming a person of principle was small.  I’d pay greater attention to political platforms rather than vote for the person whose name I saw the most on campaign signs (hey, at least I was voting, right).  I’d pick up some trash as I was walking, rather than passing by it for somebody else (I know someone was being paid to do it, but money was no longer the motive - improving the community was).   Eventually my choices were more personally painful but at the same time incredibly rewarding.  Such as when we stopped using Medicaid because I realized, it is the improper use of federal funds, and my using it was perpetuating a decline in our society – even though we have a diabetic son and couldn’t afford all that was required for his care.   I understand that is an unpopular opinion but I’ll have to save my defense of it for another day.

This is just a dappling of my journey but I fell in love with becoming a person of principle.  I liked myself better, I was investing in something bigger than myself, I was being the change I wanted to see in the world, rather than simply complaining about it.  I was proud of who I was becoming.

That brings me to sin #2.  Unrighteous Dominion.  I admit, I’ve struggled with this for most of my married life.  Granted, my husband traveling for the majority of the time, didn’t make things easy because I had to fill both parental roles while he was gone (maybe I should emphasize that I TRIED to – not very often was I successful).  And then when he was here, I’d try to just be the wife and mother – but he kept making foolish decisions, so I’d have to correct him, right.   Yeah, yeah yeah, I know.  I’d like to be able to justify my stepping on his toes or not honoring his role as I should, but just because I didn’t mean to sin, doesn’t change the fact that I was usurping his responsibilities.  It was degrading to him and not allowing him to rise to his potential.  I’ve repented of this tendency many times, but I still struggle a great deal.  I’m a work in progress. 

So with that little background, here’s my current conflict.  Several months ago, my diabetic son was hospitalized for Ketoacidosis.  I went through the game of all the hospital staff trying to persuade us to enroll in Medicaid because we don’t have insurance.  It would be sooooo much easier on our budget, and the cost of hospitalization would be horrendous, etc. etc. etc.  I even had an enlightening conversation with an extreme leftist who felt the honorable thing to do was to allow society to pay for our expenses.  

On and on and on was the campaign to have us conform to an incorrect principle.  But I’m proud to say, (there’s that word again) I resisted and we successfully had several outrageous bills from the Emergency Room doctor, the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, and the Pediatrician. 

Now there is a reason we don’t have insurance.  We can’t afford it.  My husband is one of the hardest working and diligent men I know, but I can’t say he’s ever been financially profitable.  So in other words, we are broke.   So about a month ago, I realized I was doing the whole unrighteous dominion thing again, by not even counseling with my husband on how we should deal with the new hospital bills.  After all, he is the one that is breaking his back trying to provide for this family.   So I sat down and discussed our situation with him.  I stated my preference and my acceptance of being in bondage to the hospital for the remainder of my life, if it meant that we are making a principled choice.  And then I asked what he thought we should do.   

And of all the nerve, he said he wanted to apply for Medicaid with the “justification” that we pay taxes and have probably paid that amount over the years, and others would have donated funds for our cause, if they knew it, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  Granted, he’s not taken the same journey that I have, but I thought we were on the same page as far as not supporting a flawed system. 

Obviously I’ve underestimated the pressures he’s been feeling at providing for all of us.  And so, after an internal analysis, I supported his decision and applied for Medicaid. 

. . . . . . . .   Just kill me now. 

And I’ll admit, it felt glorious to remove those 4-5 digit debts off our liabilities.  It really did.  I want to help alleviate as much stress as I can off his shoulders.  But now I’m in conflict cuz’ I’m adding hypocrisy to my list of sins. 

So are some sins justified?  Is Unrighteous Dominion a worse sin than pride in a noble thing or being a hypocrite to one’s own beliefs?  It would be wonderful if the Lord gave us the funds we needed in order to preserve my integrity so that I wouldn’t have to choose, but I get the suspicious feeling that he is making something bigger out of us than simply a welfare project.  How can I support my husband’s decision without feeling that I have cheated my posterity of the legacy they deserve?  Where is the compromise that brings peace of conscience?  I don’t know that I have the answers, but like all my prayers, if I am patient enough, things will eventually work out. 

But in the meantime, I want to publicly apologize and express appreciation to the millions of Americans who have been required through forced charity to donate their funds for my son’s medical needs.   As well as apologize for my inconsistent and weakness of character.  I know my favorite quote of “Be the Change you wish to see in the World” is not an easy challenge, and so I’ll continue to pursue it.  I'm just not sure how at the moment. 

Choosing HOPE

I have to. . . .

Consider the alternative.

My nephew killed himself today.  He has been battling with suicidal thoughts for several years now.  And even though he was getting counseling, had support from family and friends, and making a valiant effort to resist, his fight was in vain.

As I watched his parents deal with the loss, my heart was breaking for them.   They were numb with grief.  There was nothing I or anyone else could do to alleviate or share in the pain they were experiencing.

How does one find meaning in a tragedy such as this?  How does one even begin to pick up the pieces to put life together again?

I know I went through the whole gamut of emotions.  Shock, denial, guilt, anger, confusion, and deep sadness.  Some feelings such as the initial shock, were instantaneous and then on to the next.  Some were reoccuring sporadically such as I couldn't believe this had really happened.  Some feelings kept popping in there and I had to consciously reject it, such as the guilt that I hadn't done more and anger with myself for being so consumed in my own little traumas (which paled now in comparison) that I couldn't be there for him.  I even felt anger that I wasn't more in tune with the spirit to respond and possibly help to avoid this tragedy.  I was feeling lost and confused in being unsure what to do now.  How to help, how to cope, how to even pray for direction.  And finally the deep sadness, some of it from the loss of his life, but mostly as I saw the heartache from his death.  I watched each of my children go through similar cycles.   I saw his family experience these emotions at an even deeper level.

 And when all the tears have run dry and the head throbs from being emotional for so long - eventually a lighter side of perspective comes into play.  Whether it is finding and holding on to fond memories, or finding something worthwhile to put your focus on rather than on your grief.  At least for the moment, until the negative emotions press down again for another go-around.  Then eventually, with time, the deep feelings will lighten and the pain will turn to a dull but constant ache.

Yes, time can do miracles - but so can hope.

There's the kind of eternal hope that he will be reunited with his body at some point and that we'll be able to see him again some day.   And the hope that an all loving Heavenly Father is reunited with him now and so he can finally experience peace.  There's the hope that his eternal position and consequence is only a temporary punishment for the taking of an innocent life.  And the hope that his life and now his death will have lasting positive influence in my heart as well as in the lives of those who were fortunate enough to know him.

I suppose I could choose bitterment, resentment, victimhood, or build walls to prevent experiencing any emotion.  I could be so angry that I don't have the answers or understand "why".  I could blame God and say "I won't play with you anymore" because things are not turning out the way I think they should.  I could pretend it doesn't really matter or effect me.  That life has no purpose or no grand scheme - and go through meaningless busy motions so as not to experience the soul-searching emotions.

There are plenty of avenues that could be chosen.  But I choose hope.  Just like I don't have all the answers or understand completely everything about this thing called life - I choose to Believe in Christ.  And now that I don't understand completely everything about this thing called death - I choose the Hope that comes through Christ.  My nephew ended his life because he couldn't find or see the hope that was surrounding him.  And so I have to choose HOPE.

Power Gone - but not POWERLESS

One of the purposes of this blog is so I can record power thoughts in my search for truth.  But this time, I simply want to express my gratitude.

A little back story:

                Back in December, my husband’s vocation was brought to halting stop.  Literally . . . he was stranded in another state.  The crankshaft, in his newly paid-in-full (now we can breathe a little) semi-truck  - broke.  It wasn’t worth putting us in debt bondage again and so he looked for other work.  Eventually he found employment that was the highest paid option and local.  The best of both worlds – so we thought.

                Unfortunately with our medical bills, IRS & other tax fan mail, and mounting unplanned expenses, we quickly found that finances were just as tight and probably worse.  After six months of trying to juggle the accounts payable with insufficient accounts receivable, the livestock and other assets were all sold (or are for sale)  Each day (and sometimes, each hour) we found that one more thing had gone financially awry.  The computer had a virus, the buyer (for a truck we have for sale) backed out, the extra job he found removing a tree turned out to really be a charity job, the bank was in overdraft, we’re stranded at home because of no fuel, my daughter had a tooth abscess, my medication required more blood work, the food sources depleted so I have to eat foods that adversely affect my health (wheat, rice, potatoes, sugar).  Then we began feeling disconnected – first the internet (bye-bye facebook), then the phone, and eventually the power.  This posed a few problems. The biggest being that our pump ran on electricity – so no water.  Other minor ones was that we had recently put our last pig in the freezer and my son’s insulin had to be kept refrigerated.  Now our energies had to be put to a new level of survival.  Looking for ways to fill up our water bottles (it really is amazing how much water must be consumed/used).  Borrowing the local park or post office to charge our devices.  Digging a fire pit with a grill so we can cook food since we were out of propane. 

                Of course, my knight in shining armor would problem solve everything he could for his damsel in distress.  He set up a generator to run for four hours a day to keep the freezer from thawing completely.  Eventually, he figured out how to connect the water pump to the generator so that we could fill up water barrels and water the garden once a day (btw the lawn has died a horrible, yellow death – priorities you know.  But the weeds are thriving).  He finally put up a clothesline so I could have my own solar dryer. 

                But the pursuits had a much different flavor now.  I hauled water three times a day to flush our indoor outhouse.  I had to wash clothes by hand and so my wardrobe had to be pretty soiled before getting washed.  With no funds, all food had to be prepared from food storage basics and on stove top or open fire.  Basically, oatmeal for breakfast, fried potatoes for dinner, and lunch was optional.  Our hair was French braided to conceal the greasy hair look, and washing dishes was either scalding hot or beyond lukewarm cold.   In a nutshell, life was challenging. 

                Here’s the confusing part.  Although we were not keeping upwith the Joneses (not even remotely), we were somehow optimistic, happy, even grateful.  God’s tender mercies weren’t always seen but they were definitely felt.  

               We discussed as a family what our options were and we concluded that it was best not to go out of our way to inform others.  Not so much from a pride standpoint (although I kept checking our motives because I didn’t want to go down that road), but because we noticed how some people who were aware of our situation not only were uncomfortable but almost acted put out – probably because it put them in a position of “should I help” and “I don’t want the inconvenience of having to help”.  Now I’m only guessing on that because I’ve had those same feelings toward other friends of ours who were hard up.  (Sad, but true story)

                Some of the kids felt like this was an adventure and was confident that good things would come of it.  Others just looked at it like we were camping out at home.  Our summer vacation.  No-biggie-dah.  The whole time I felt like our burdens were being made light by the unseen hand of providence.  Our prayers were not necessarily more desperate, but were spontaneously more grateful for the little things.  The generator operating when it was out of fuel (miracles are not little things, but every little thing was now seen as a miracle), no catastrophes with the propane or fire, time enough in the day to get the work done, siblings working together without contention, the quietness of no electricity (it’s very noisy, we’ve concluded) going to bed on time because there was no light, the continuing trend of only financial trials – instead of bigger ones like chronic illness, accident, wayward children, death, etc. 

                We may not have had electricity, luxuries, or even many necessities, but we were definitely connected to THE source of power.  And for that I’m truly grateful.  

How Did I Become a Bigamist?!?!

And guilty of treason! 

It shocked me really. 

When I was only eight years old, I entered into a baptismal covenant with my Father in Heaven, that I would take his name upon me.  I may have somewhat naively entered into that marriage agreement with the bride groom, that allegiance with His Kingdom, that legal adoption into the House of Israel.  But hey, I was only eight years old and dutifully following my parents counsel.  Note – I have NEVER regretted that decision and there have been countless times I’ve been immensely grateful that I had. 

My life is filled with purpose and vision.  My goals are lofty and yet attainable.  My legacy is one I can be proud of. I experience both temporary pleasure and eternal joy.  I have HOPE and a guided path.  

Now, mind you, I still have the web and flow of life.  Ups and downs, trials and blessings. But overall – I have inner peace and genuine happiness.  I like what I’ve become and the potential I’m reaching for.  And my affections for my Heavenly Father continues to increase and deepen over the years. 

In recent years, I've been learning about different worldviews.  It has been an eye-opening experience for my little sheltered life.  The rest of the world seems to offer a lot of different formulas for happiness and I've been able to compare those a little with the Great plan of Happiness.  So Far, I haven’t found much of a comparison.  I found that most of them are based on some truth.  Mind you, some of that truth is severely twisted but nevertheless, it originates on the same foundation.  Because of that, I expected to agree with certain aspects of these varying worldviews.  But what I didn’t expect was to find that I, unknowingly, had adopted some of these twisted perspectives myself. 

Elements of Naturalism, Ethical and Inner Relativism were part of my hard and fast beliefs.  Justifications of Micro-Evolution had seeped into my “possibilities”.  I was feeling empowered by thoughts of Self-Actualization and Positive Mental Attitude and although I didn’t care for ‘The Secret’, I had implemented many of its ideas into my personal philosophy.  Dialectical Materialism made sense even though it was being used for what I think is a perverse purpose.  And there have been many times I’ve felt the need to resort to Pavlovian Behaviorism when dealing with my children.  Pragmatism sometimes outweighed the faith required to trust the Lord would provide.  And Libertarianism seemed like a Savior for our current political nightmare. 

Fortunately, there was a LOT of ideas that I didn't feel a connection with at all.

As I more clearly defined what the different worldviews were . . .  I could more clearly see that I was either hypocritical myself (unfortunately a very good possibility) or brainwashed into adopting beliefs and ideas contrary to my liking or choosing.  In 1961, the Supreme Court recognized Secular Humanism as a religion.  I don’t know if Material Humanism or Post-Modernism, or Cosmic Humanism, or the millions of other worldviews are officially considered a religion yet, but it made me think.  Aside from the humorous aspect that all these Atheists, Individualists, and Polytheists who hold religion in such contempt are now considered “religious” – it also makes my melting pot of mixed up beliefs guilty of bigamy, of treason, of unfaithfulness.  That’s just not gonna work for me.

I know the Lord teaches us line upon line, here a little and there a little and over time, we can attain all that he has to offer.  But obviously I forgot that the adversary works in the same manner.  Although I have been consistent at attending my church meetings and living the Sunday School answers, I still had not only been exposed to but bought into some contrary doctrine and philosophies.  

I have to admit, while I've been weighing each idea and learning about this spectrum of beliefs that others may hold, I couldn't help but conclude that "People believe the stupidest things".  Everyones life experiences, training and education, temperment and personalities vary and so conclusions vary, even with the same external variables.  It does provide for a great variety of ideas (which I love), but makes it challenging to identify the real TRUTH.

I've heard it said, that "truth needs no defense".  That is a beautiful sentiment, but obviously by all these differing worldviews, truth is the most bitterly and subtly attacked.  I do believe it will ultimately win out in the end - but with all these multiple choice options, the casualties are many.

Intrigued, I began clarifying my own beliefs - outlining specifically my own philosophy, theology, pschology, socialogy, politics, law, ethics, etc.  - and the same thing stands true . . . People believe the stupidest things!  Myself included.  At least that's probably what it appears to an outsider looking in.  Fortunately, my belief has received the second witness - the assurer and testifier of truth.  I just KNOW. 

One advantage to this little exercise, I've not only broadened my understanding of other worldviews and perspectives (and it still continues because I cannot even come close to saying I understand it all), but I've clarified and fortified my own beliefs.  Now that I can more clearly see where I'm being inconsistent, I can step back, modify my approach, and be the person of integrity I wish to be -  the monogomist, the patriot, the Faithful.

My Victory Formula

It was one of those moments.  I'm sitting there listening to the class being presented when my mind is flooded with word phrases and ideas that seem too profound to just ignore.  I grabbed my portable device and started my finger sliding over the touchscreen keyboard.

Yes, I was probably inspired from the previous class that was on the atonement, and so it may have been the trigger that got my brain working.  But this is what I came up with:

     1.  Access the Atonement
     2.  Gratitude for the Vision
     3.  Meet the Minimum

ACCESS THE ATONEMENT
     All around us, people are building their own Tower of Babels.  Attempting to gain access to something that has only one possible entrance.  Whether it is climbing the ladder of success, setting goals with frequent course corrections, positive mental attitude, working harder or smarter, requesting from the 'universe', or any number of other partial power sources that beat around the bush without hitting the target head on.  

However, the atonement of Christ has genuine power - healing power, purifying power, saving power, redeeming power.  But the power that gets most overlooked is the enabling power.  Why would anyone attempt to be successful without accessing the power which increases their capacities.  

And all that is required to access this pure genuine power is to sacrifice our selfish pride.  Recognizing that we are not enough alone and laying our burden at His feet.  Repenting of the sins we've committed or the good works we've omitted.  Humbly seeking his aid and then submitting to his will, especially if it is contrary to our own.  Receiving His word through pondering, reflecting, and personalizing His teachings in our lives.  

Granted, it is not an easy step, but who ever claimed victory to be an easy process.  

GRATITUDE FOR THE VISION

Vision indicating our vision manifested as well as the vision we hope to create.

Our life's circumstances are the consequences of past choices or . . . opportunities for growth.  What we are experiencing right now is either God's manifestation of respect for our agency (even if it was a poor choice on our part) or a manifestation of His trust in our ability to grow beyond our current status.  Keeping that perspective helps me to be grateful for where I am, even when where I am is sometimes unpleasant.

Being grateful for what will come into our life is an expression of faith that God honors our heart's desire and . . . if it is right for us, will provide for our needs.  Sometimes in unexpected or miraculous ways, but I trust that he loves me enough to create the circumstances that are in my best interest.

MEET THE MINIMUM
There is too much to do in a single day.  There is too many good things to successfully prioritize based on that merit alone.  So when I say meet the minimum, take it with tongue and cheek because it is the goal, not the mandate.  It is the 1% principle.  It is the consistency effort of small and simple things.  It is the default when life allows these items to be attended to between crisis or unrelenting schedules.  

Since there is too much to do, especially with children, I like to pray that the most important items will get the proper amount of attention.  That may change from day to day.  One day, relationships may need to be strengthened as a high priority.  Another, it might be more important to put my home, my health, or my finances in order. 

These seven areas are my personal pursuits that require my time and attention in order to maintain as well as progress.  They are:
     1- Physical Activity
            This could be anything from working up a sweat or getting my own drink of water rather than being lazy and asking someone else to do it.
     2- Home Stewardship
            Daily maintaining is essential for my mental health, plus meals and laundry never cease
     3- Study 
            Come face to face with greatness, practice pondering, listening to audiobooks while busy
     4- LOVE
             Strengthening relationships by loving God, spouse, children, friends.
     5- Manage the Money
              Know where my money is, where it is going, and what I want it to do for me.
     6- Be a Force for Good
              This phrase resonates so strong with me that I know this is a deep inner desire.  As long as I keep the desire before me, I hope that I will be able to influence someone in a positive manner.
     7- Mission Momentums
              Momentums are the baby steps that get the ball rolling.  Once in motion, it tends to stay in motion, so I want to regularly do the babystep momentums that that will help me fulfill my life's mission.

There it is.  My Victory Formula.  Even if it doesn't produce the goals or material success that I perceive as necessary in my life, I know I will experience inner peace by focusing on these three things.  And inner peace is truly a Victory. 

Dis-Armed By Love

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it myself.   Our enemy was completely disarmed.

I don't necessarily have an enemy, but we do have an neighbor who seemed insistent on being THE enemy. 

There is quite a lengthy back-story:
We moved out to the country so that our children would have the opportunity to work, learn georgics, and develop a quality character.  In my husbands vision, that included farm animals.  So over the five years that we've lived in this community we've accumulated a handful of animals that provide the necessities of life - chickens, cows, goats, sheep, pigs, etc.

Unfortunately, the road we live on sort of wraps around our property, so that everyone who drives down the road gets the whole panoramic view.  And we have a neighbor who seems to have dedicated her life to animal rights and protection.  She has constantly been snooping into our animal affairs - sometimes dropping off food sources, sometimes sending "concerned" e-mails, but mostly calling the county police officers to come investigate what she supposed was neglect on our part. 

With each of these incidences, I had been able to successfully persuade my husband to just let it slide.  She must be a very committed person to what she perceives as her life mission and as long as there was no truth to her allegations, we were doing someone else a favor by keeping her energies on us.  This reasoning had worked for a little while, but with each visit from our local law enforcement officer (which we could plan on about every quarter), his frustration mounted.   He was going to nip it in the butt, the next time it happened. 

So he began his homework.  He counseled with an attorney.  He requested a copy of all the police reports.  He hired a vet to come inspect our animals and provide a statement of their condition.  He had visited with countless people who knew the character and habits of this neighbor and found that his opinion and experience with her was not an isolated incident. 

About four months ago, we were able to take on a contract with grocers to get their garbage produce for our animal feed.  It was A LOT of produce.  There was no way the animal lady (what we affectionately call her) could complain about underfed animals now.  So we thought. 

The other night I received another e-mail from her expressing her deep concern about a number of things.  The first was our cow seems to have lost a great deal of weight within the last week, she was chewing on sticks, and the feed looked of poor quality and old.  As I was reading this out loud to my husband, I couldn't help but laugh that someone so dedicated to animals could know so little about them. 

Let me explain.  Our cow had just freshened.  The calf was in the barn to keep it warm during the bitter cold.  Having a calf is bound to have a cow look like it's lost a great deal of weight.  Animals chew on everything - they are animals.  They get bored and chew on anything they can find.  And the poor quality and old feed wasn't feed at all - it was straw.  It was set out in the pasture so the animals could dig around in it to keep warm. 

I couldn't even finish reading the e-mail before my husband was out of bed, searching for his clothes, determined to address this issue once and for all.  At first he was going to head over there, but for some reason decided to locate her phone number and call instead. 

He dialed and got the answering machine.  He left a message of his name and that he wanted to talk.  And then immediately he dialed again and started to leave a message when she picked up the phone.  I could tell by the steam coming from his head that this probably would not be one of his finest moments.  He proceeded to put her in her place - saying such things as her meddling in our affairs was harassment and it had to stop.  Even mentioning that County police could be considered an accomplice to the harassment.  He went through and disputed all her claims about the cow, the feed, and the non-importance of chewing on a stick.  He proceeded to elaborate the measures and extent that he has taken to take care of his animals.  He pointed out her contradictory passions of promoting freedom in America while infringing on personal privacy in regards to animals. 

I could hear her voice on the phone but not recognize the words as I sat across the room.  And I have to be honest.  Every other time, I was able to be disappointed in her intrusion on our privacy, but just forget about it.  However, I didn't have the advantage of time to forget this time, and I was floored by the audacity and ignorance of her e-mail.  So I not only didn't try to dissuade him, I was cheering him on by providing the words he was searching for in the conversation. 

Before I even realized what was happening, the tone of the conversation turned.  I'm not sure if there was a trigger, or just the goodness of my man.  He started explaining information about himself. 
He gave a history of his experience with livestock from his childhood and profession.  He shared how we had chosen to move to this remote location for the purpose of our children's upbringing.  How he knew the challenges of taking care of farm animals would build the caliber of person worthy of contributing to a free nation.  He explained how he understood the purpose for each animal and although it tugged at his heart to slaughter them when it was time (because he had raised them from birth), he knew they had fulfilled the measure of their creation. 

He explained how he was saddened that our neighbors assumed the worst in him, talking behind his back, and resorting to cops rather than being neighborly.  He explained what he had hoped he'd find by moving out here, but was a little disappointed.  He explained how if we would live up to our profession of Loving the Lord first and Loving our neighbor second - then we wouldn't have neighbors calling the cops to investigate in issues of concern - because the neighbors would be on a friendly basis and simply TALK to each other about their concerns.  He thanked her for letting him know that she had observed the pigs were trying to dig out of the fence, so that he could address the issue, but pleaded that she talk directly to him, instead of sending the police.  He explained how our children live in fear that we are doing something wrong because the police are always showing up.  Then he explained how her behavior scares him thoroughly for our nation because it has the flavor of communist countries.  Where they had the neighbors spying on each other so they could let the KGB or whatever officials know what was going on. 

Then he admitted that he really did enjoy her as a person but had a hard time with her intolerance of different preferences.  Using the analogy that some people like chocolate ice cream and others prefer vanilla.  It doesn't make one right and the other wrong - just different.  Our purpose for animals is for the sake of our children and self-reliant living.  Her purpose for animals is a way of expressing compassion for the weaker and dependent species.  Different, but not wrong.   Then he pointed out that we hear her dogs barking all the time.  How do we know that their needs aren't being met?  Should we call the police because we are concerned that she is not living up to our perceived understanding that dogs wouldn't bark at all if they were well cared for?

His tone had changed from threatening to trying to help her understand.  There was several different points brought up in that short phone call, but the feeling on his end had completely changed and I'm pretty sure her feelings had gone in a different direction than she was initially headed.  He had become clearer on his purpose and took the first steps to obtain his objective.  Being neighborly. 

As he crawled back into bed that night, I noticed we had received another e-mail from her.  She said she hoped I had heard the conversation and that I should be very proud of him.  She was disarmed by his responding to the impression to love instead of hate.

So he suggested we send her pictures of the new calf, and invite her to come feed him or milk the cow.  He really wanted to practice what he taught.  I'm still in awe of the transformation that took place within the conversation as well as within Grady himself.  And I'm grateful for the experience of witnessing the power of love over revenge.

REDEFINED VICTORY

I love the word "Victory". 
 

Something about that word resonates with me - more than success, or conquered, or triumphant.  It has a sense of personal mastery and overcoming insurmountable odds.

I choose every day to be the Victor instead of the Victim. 
 

I've tried several methods to help keep victory in my mind.

Everyday in school we have a positive review where we state one positive thing that happened to us, for us, or because of us - so everyday we are focusing on our Victories. 

I try to write down my victories in my personal blog (happeninghaven.blogspot.com) and I try to keep my facebook posts on a positive note.

I try really hard to recognize my 100% accountability (avoiding the blame game) in all my situations and practice having my heart at peace in my relationships.

I don't put up with kids who are stuck in victim mode. 

Through these efforts, I have to admit the process of seeing the positive is becoming a much easier and natural event now.

It wasn't always the case.  For years, I wouldn't be caught dead focusing on this type of thing.  I don't believe it was a conscious choice, but probably more a by product of not wanting to look boastful, or tactless, or even bizarre to be happy over miniscule events.  But when I realized that I was not only uncomfortable being victorious but was completely incapable of even seeing the good in my life, it began to worry me.  I couldn't praise myself for what I got accomplished and was paralyzed to seeing only the things that needed improvement. My false humility had created a healthy dose of stinkin' thinkin.

I guess I had learned to let other people give compliments and I outwardly say a gracious thank you, but all the while rejecting what they said on an internal level.  And so when I was required to come up with five positive reviews, every single week,  for a class I participated in, it was incredibly painful, and at times impossible.  I learned I had to prepare, an hour or two before class, simply to think of anything positive that I could report.  How pathetic is that?

So now positive reviews, victories, and basically positive energy come quite easy to me.  There are times that I still struggle but for the most part, I'm generally happy with how life is going. 

And then I get this insight while studying my scriptures this morning. . .

First, a little background.  The Lord is explaining how He used the Assyrians to destroy the hypocritical Israelites.  And the Assyrians are looking at all their conquered nations, and draw the conclusion that it is because of their own greatness, their leadership, their military strength that they had these Victories.  It never even occurred to them that the Lord ALLOWED them to conquer his chosen people because he wanted to teach them a lesson.

And so in my Scripture Journal, I jot something down along the lines of  "Don't forget the Lord is involved in all our affairs," and "focusing on our victories is a sort of Pride and lack of faith in him".

Oh . . .  my . . .  goodness . . .

Here I thought I was moving in a positive and improved direction by including the positive and victories in my life, but could I be every bit as guilty as the ancient Assyrian King.

It never occurred to me to consider the Lord is the cause of those little victories in my life.  Well, maybe in Sunday School lessons and possibly token acknowledgements here and there but obviously not enough to have my perspective changed from self to service.

It never occurred to me that our positive reviews and victories were actually perpetuating the pride cycle in our individual lives.   Hello!!!  Every individual and every nation that has ever fallen has been because of the pride cycle.  And the only antidote is . . . Humility.

 

 

 

Being grateful for our personal victories, rather than boosting self to boasting.  Recognizing there is a bigger picture than just me and a bigger purpose than my individual goals and comforts. 

I'm still trying to wrap my little brain around the fact that circumstances that are different than my preferences may be the very asset I need for something better than my vision.

I still choose everyday to be Victorious.  I still choose to accentuate the positive and de-emphasize the negative. But I'm redefining VICTORY.  It involves trusting that the Lord is using me to accomplish his purposes (not the other way around). It involves finding a way to be grateful for all my life's circumstances and not just the pleasant ones.  It is submission and gratitude.

And if I can do that, I truly will be VICTORIOUS!

Lessons from Myself

I love it when I learn wisdom from myself.  ….  Let me try explain.  It seems there are times when I blog or even in a conversation, I think I’ve already internalized the lessons that I’m “preaching”.  It came from within so hopefully the lessons were there to stay.  Right.  I’m finding that isn’t always the case. 

In regard to my post regarding having faith in Fear, I had pondered that concept for well over two months and believed I had had a fairly firm grasp on it.  It probably wasn’t a week later I had a huge trial where I was overcome with fear.  Not a life or death fear, but a paralyzing fear all the same.  I was sobbing as I experienced that unnecessary pain.  Then it occurred to me that I was full of faith…Faith in Fear.  Faith that I couldn’t have what I so desperately wanted. Faith that the past would repeat itself.  Faith that I wasn’t good enough, or blessed enough, or simply… enough to have what I wanted for my family.  Well, that realization brought a whole new level of pain because I knew I could choose out of it but felt powerless to do so. 

          As always, time, re-evaluating my situation, and trusting that God was aware of my pain brought peace to my heart.  I had learned to have faith in God, and put my selfish fears aside for something even better.  But what is interesting to me is the fact that I learned from my own writing, my own musings. 

          It happened again yesterday.  I went visiting teaching and it was a very typical visit.  I sat on the couch between the two sisters who chatted back and forth (they’ve known each other a lot longer than I’ve known them) with my little inserts here and there.  One of my inserts was a comment that I didn’t really think much about – it just came out and I figured it was true enough.  They were talking back and forth about all the things they worry and fret about.  I casually said that if we would just put our energies into doing the things we are supposed to do, we would be too busy to worry about the things we can’t do anything about.  They agreed with the comment that we aren’t getting everything done they should and that was probably good advice.  That was the end of it. 

          Then this morning I woke up around 4:00am.  Just woke up for no reason at all.  As I lay there, my mind wandered to all the things that are going wrong in my life. 

*Both of my adult children have been unable to find employment, and are just stuck in life.  Shakespeare can’t pursue her education, or work in a third world country (her latest desire) because she has no way to pay for anything.  Due to the isolated nature of where we live, they aren’t dating or experiencing much of anything socially.  And she’s struggling with a claustrophic depression, caused by the timing or need to leave home but not being able to come up with the means. 

*My son also concerns me greatly.  He has taken to beating himself up and constantly reinforcing how horrible he is.  He seems stuck in this downward spiral of loathing self and creating opportunities to loathe himself some more.  It goes without saying that I can’t trust him to do a large majority of what I ask him to because that would create success and would sabotage his self-fulfilling prophecy. 

*This of course causes contention for the rest of the family and chaos in the function of the home.  His well-meaning sisters, (who resent him for his poor choice of behavior) try to correct him, which goes over like a brick floating in water. Everyone’s heart is at war and peace is becoming a foreign concept.    

*I’ve been so focused on getting my house in order so that we can function somewhat normally, that I’ve not taken time to ‘be’ with my younger children.  Yes they got fed and diapers changed but the heart of mommy has been far removed.  Needless to say, their deficit is becoming painfully known.  Fighting, bossing, hitting, whining, demanding, and all around snottyness is becoming their norm. 

*As mentioned before, I have really been putting a focus on specific areas.  The yard and garden are finally getting attention.  The laundry was finally caught up.  Errands and finances have been put into order.  And I’ve been wracking my brain trying to create an opportunity as well as finish preparations for school to begin.  The combination of focused energy and neglected children, I’ve not had the desire to enforce appropriate behavior standards.  The chores are less than ok and the morale of the home is even less than that.  I went to bed last night with no desire to even be a mom for awhile.  Pretty sad. 

          So, this morning when I woke up and was stewing over the sad state of affairs in the Osburn household, I decided to get up and pour my soul out to God.  Before I said anything, my thoughts turned to that comment I made during Visiting Teaching. If I would just do the things that I’m supposed to do instead of worry about the things I can’t control – I wouldn’t have time to fret.   And so instead of pleading for help, I felt to thank him for the peace I was beginning to feel.  I asked for power to put my energies into loving and supporting my children better and asked forgiveness for my selfish behavior lately. It was an interesting shift of energy.  Before I knelt down, I felt pretty high on the hopeless scale.  And as soon as I channeled my thoughts, I felt peace, empowerment, assurance, and ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work. 

 

‘Let go and Let God’ is a powerful concept.

Courage Beyond My Own

Friends have always been pretty important to me and they came into my life pretty easily. So as I look at my children's friends status, I struggle to relate how they can perservere without friends.   

I remember Wilberforce, while growing up, thought she had a pretty good friend, only to find out her 'friend' was only a fair-weathered-friend and wouldn't associate with her in the company of certain other people.  I could see the pain as the realization of the betrayal hit home. 

I remember Shakespeare had a natural affinity toward friends outside the family and longed to be loved and cherished by others.  But one relationship after another ended only in tolerance - no connection, no bosum friend, sometimes even no civility.  I've watched her over the years sink further and further into her shell to protect her from the hurt she was experiencing. 

And then the other night Austen came home from Young Women's feeling for the first time in the last 5 years that she might be connecting a little with the Hamer girls.  She was happy, bubbly, and felt victorious.  Then the next day, as she was supposed to be picked up by these 'finally' friends - she watched them drive by our house to pick up another girl, then drive by again, but they never stopped.  They had forgotten about her.......again.  I could see the hope and happiness fade away as she realized her previous thoughts were misguided.  When she came and asked me to drive her to the activity that they were supposed to have picked her up for, I was taken a little aback by her courage.  She promised she would be at this activity, and so she was going to keep her word, even if her heart was breaking. 

Another disadvantage my children experience in the social world, is our location and life choices.  We've chosen to homeschool - so they don't get to see "friends" everyday at school.  We've chosen to live way out in the country - so they don't have neighbor friends either.  And we are limited as to how many times we can make trips into town - so once a week is all they get and it's a very busy day.  Yes, there are some serious social drawbacks to the life we've chosen. 

However, Wilberforce has become an eternal optimist.  She can always see the silver lining in every storm cloud.  She never joined the cliques and is equally friendly with the popular kids as well as the invisible people she encounters.  Shakespeare is everyday healing, pulling strength from way down deep to face her pain and overcome the obstacles that life has presented to her.  She is patiently waiting for the day and exercising faith that she will someday meet and enjoy a bosum friend.  Austen continually faces disappointment with courage and facing the heartbreak with hope and determination.  She believes everyone wants to be friends with her and moves forward with that belief. 

I'm sure when I experienced heartache growing up, that I eventually rolled up my sleeves and moved on with my life, but I can't help but feel that these amazing children with advanced trials and obvious strengths possess courage beyond my own. 
      

I'm Too Flexible

I wish I were talking about my physical ability to stretch my body into amazing unduplicatable forms - but... I'm not. 

I'm refering to my laxity with life.  It seems where ever I go, the idea of being more flexible is being promoted.  More flexible with our spouses, more flexible with our expectations, more flexible with our schedules and agendas.  And so in that respect I'm grateful that I am predominantly easy going and don't easily get my feathers ruffled.  

I wasn't always this way.  In fact, I believe it has been an incredibly challenging road to get to this point.  I used to be quite tense when I was late to an event, or the house was messy and the doorbell rang, or even when someone wanted to spontaneously go do something that hadn't been planned out weeks in advance (actually, I still struggle with this one at times, but not always).  I used to get quite flustered when there wasn't enough money to stretch for all the needs, or equipment would break down (as if there is a convenient time), or not everything got a checkmark on my to-do list.  I've come a long way. 

Through a series of undesirable events, I've learned to be flexible.  Hope for the best but roll with the punches if something else happens instead.  It's amazing what going without food, without money, without control, without time, or without energy can do to change a person. You think you might not emotionally make it, but somehow or other you survive and then the next time a trial comes along - it's not so traumatic as it was the first time.  The result = flexibility, laxity, easy going, even calmness in the storm.  Yes, I can see how this is a very good thing. 

However, as all things need moderation, I feel I may have taken my relaxed coping skills a little too far to the other end of the spectrum. 

My house and yard are a constant reminder that I no longer care how it looks to the neighbors - I'm not keeping up false appearances.  I'm doing the best I can and that's just gonna have to be good enough, right. 

My children are also a consistent reminder that I've gotten too lax with my parental training, as they demonstrate that obedience to mom is optional. 

Even my character is called into question as I willingly take on responsibilities and then casually carry them out - or if it doesn't happen, that's ok too. 

These effects of a life being beaten by the hardships don't really bring me happiness either. 

There must be a happy medium - a way to find the balance between self-respect and calmness for trivial concerns.  To care enough to make things happen but not so much that I'm bound up tighter than I can handle.  Its challenging to begin picking up the pieces where you have already surrendered.  To attempt to take charge, to fight, to be fiery where your spirit has been broken, and you've become submissive and accepting.   

For a long time, my husband has been  associated with Mr. Incredible.  I'm not sure exactly how this began.  Maybe it's his super suit rising above his belly as he stretches.  Maybe it is his stocky build and amazing strength.  Or maybe it is because he is a super who is living his secret identity, waiting for the opportunity to relive the glory days of his pre-existent greatness.  I don't really know, but I find it ironic that Mr. Incredible is married to Elastigirl. 

Maybe flexibility has to be linked with incredibleness.  I know in my life its absolutely essential.  I don't believe our marriage would have lasted if I didn't learn to just let some things go. But now I'm learning to be very careful with what I surrender.  My pride, my will, my selfish power struggles - yes.  My self-respect, my character, my stewardship - a great big NO.

This reminds me of the message from Thomas Jefferson. To paraphrase:
                                            In matters of principle, be as a rock. 
                                            But in matters of style, just go with the flow. 

Simply Complex

As I’m sitting here contemplating which of my insights I want to write a power paper on this time, my children are in the other room fighting with each other.  Amidst all the screaming, hitting, boobing, and irrational behavior – I am experiencing pain.  I’m pretty sure they are also. 

This makes me think about a discussion a friend and I had about a phrase she ran across a number of years ago.  She didn’t understand what it meant but had kept it in the back of her mind and occasionally thought about it.  Here it is:

“I don’t give a hoot about the simplicity on this side of complexity

But I’d give my right arm for the simplicity on the other side of complexity.”

As she tried to wrap her mind around some possible meanings, she came to the conclusion that complexity can be a synonym for trials, adversity, challenges, pain, pressures, stresses, etc.  And knowing something prior to experiencing it, is not as valuable or as meaningful as knowing something after going through the process of obtaining that knowledge first-hand. 

 

The Refiner's Fire



Some parallels that I see through the physical world might be:

Simplicity                                           Complexity                                                    Simplicity

Metals                                                Refiner’s Fire                                                Purity, Strength

Batter                                                 baker’s furnace                                            Cake

Money Management                        Insufficient funds - desperation                  Money Stewardship

In relationships:

Simplicity                                            Complexity                                                  Simplicity

Sympathy                                            Experience                                                  Empathy

Professed faith                                   Challenge                                                    Obtained knowledge

Appearances of Peace – Façade        Change of Heart                                         Genuine Peace –Charity

And in the BIG PICTURE:

Simplicity                                             Complexity                                               Simplicity

Pre-existence                                       Earth life                                                  Judgement & Eternity

Even though the material or knowledge may be the same on both sides of Complexity - The Complexity changes the end product, removes impurities or puts it through the test. 

It’d be nice to think that avoiding the complexity could be a possibility – and in some cases, it is.  Such as, one can avoid the higher risk of lung cancer by choosing not to smoke.  But in most cases, avoiding the challenge not only forfeits growth, it also is a sure recipe for experiencing that trial again at a later time, probably in a different form, but the lesson that must be learned is the same.  It’s as if we have certain lessons that must be learned and some of them cannot be learned in any other method than hands on.  Life’s lessons don’t seem to be as simple as the pain of learning in a classroom.  They usually are character building, such as patience (my least favorite), trust, faith, wisdom, and humility. 

My natural instinct is to avoid pain – at all costs, but the very avoiding of pain causes prolonged pain.  As we resist the pain of the complexity, we may get a brief breather, but the process is bound to come again, more intense and more determined to make us learn and grow.  My children are the perfect example.  Some failed approaches to dealing with contention is to be stronger with authority (‘that’s enough, Knock that nonsense off’), punish those who are participants, even if one isn’t at fault (‘if you can’t find a way to share, then nobody gets to use it), or to referee for a little while until everyone is tired of the pointless pursuit and change directions.  Ah – Peace.  But it’s only the façade of peace, an imitation, no resolution actually took place, no change of heart, no maturity developed or love deepened.  And so when contention takes place again (which it must), the pain is increased.  The expression ‘Those who do not learn from the past, are destined to repeat it’, applies in our personal past as well as earth’s history.   

I recall a number of years ago, my brother and I were having a discussion about the lessons our bodies teach us about pressure.  It was an unusual topic but the examples that he gave were – should I say, quite memorable.  He mentioned that good usually follows the pains of the pressures.  When I asked for a for instance, he said - a bowel movement…, a woman pushing the baby’s head out…, or the tearing of the muscle tissue during weight training.  Once we work through the burn and discomfort of the pressure, we are better for it, the relief is earned and more rewarding than if we gave up and quit (which you might be able to do with weight training but it’s not really an option with a bowel movement or the birthing process).  And now that I think about it, my labors that were the easiest and most rewarding were the times that I totally relaxed and embraced the pain (the midwife could tell I was having a contraction because I went completely limp and relaxed).  As I visualized the good that was coming about because of this intense pressure, it gave the pain purpose and made it simpler.   And I’ve experienced similar results in other aspects of pain as well. 

So I understand that when I’m experiencing pain - I can become bitter or better.    I can choose to be the victim or the victor.   I can resist and repeat or embrace and be empowered, surrender and survive.  But what choice do I have that will bring the simplicity on the other side of complexity when involves other players, other’s choices, and other’s hardened hearts. 

I guess like so many of life’s lessons – I practice patience, I trust God is aware and will provide for my needs, I exercise faith that Christ can heal this pain, and I humbly seek the promptings to guide my actions.