Second Guessing…
Questioning again…
No longer secure in my decision…
This is such a frequent occurrence, I feel like I’m on a
roller coaster. The other night, we attended
the local high school play. The
community kids shone with confidence and talent. They were such in-the-zone being silly and
fun and professional – all at the same time.
What made it worse was the play was a based on high school aged
kids. As I’m sitting there admiring
their performance and connection with the audience, I couldn’t help but feel
that my kids are being left out. That
maybe they are missing opportunities that can’t be made up at any other time. That maybe sending them to public school
wouldn’t be all that bad and may be what they need to really find and reach their
potential. I mean, look at the neighbor
kids. So confident, so accomplished, so…
much… more…
It’s ironic that these reflections were caused through
theater – the one area that I feel they are getting a very good foundation and
experience through Shakespeare and Activate.
I tried to push down those thoughts, knowing that I’ve
already thought this thing through and felt confident with my decision. But then I think about my own high school experience. I loved it.
I loved the social life and felt I could conquer the world from the rush
of being with friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
the school work was a part of the equation too, to some degree, but it wasn’t
what fueled me. I got through the study
because of the social. Flirting with
cute boys, long talks with girlfriends, passing notes, hanging out in the
hallway, ever aware of what was cool and popular. It was a good life, I think.
So why have I basically quarantined my children to an isolated
farm life, with no local friends, very limited extra-curricular activity, and a
heavy emphasis on scholarly study.
As I considered the prospect of my children being in this
community play, it became obvious that they would have been given a lesser part-
just as some less popular or less talented kids had. They would have been the low man on the totem
pole. Would that experience still be as
satisfying to them as I had hoped? Would
being a lesser than - rather than an equal to – given them the confidence, the
accomplishments, the umph to reach their potential?
But back to the question at hand. Is homeschooling the best option for my
children? And, if I am to homeschool my children, don’t they deserve to have a
fun mom with an abundance of energy, creativity, and financial resources. Is
teaching them how to work…hard… so very important at this stage in their
life? Is ‘work before play’ an adult’s
mantra and should a child’s be ‘play hard before years and years of unceasing work’. Is once a week social for a couple of hours
in a scholarly setting enough of a social life to keep them excited and
motivated about life? I honestly don’t
know.
But here are some things I do know. I love my children. I want them to have every advantage to a
happy and productive life that they can, even beyond their high school years. I have been given stewardship over their
education and upbringing, and I FEEL like the decisions I’ve made are
right. I don’t know why they shouldn’t
have the same experiences that I had growing up and so I have to trust that God
has a work for them that is more or at least different than the typical public
school preparation.
The questions and concerns I have can best be described as
‘doubts’. The decisions and the
direction I’m going can best be described as ‘confidence, trust, & enlightenment’.
Do I still have doubts – YES. Am I going to abandon my decision because I
don’t have all the answers or see the entire picture? Am I going to let thoughts of ‘what if’s’ or
‘logic’ or ‘everybody else is doing it and they seem fine’ replace my internal
guidance of the spirit? I’d have to say
NO. I will put those thoughts in the
back of my mind to consider the validity of them in respect to my and their
mission and if I feel impressed to act on that, then I can move forward.
Until then, I’ll keep on keeping on.
