I think my kids are exceptional. Really - they inspire me to and by their greatness
regularly.
But by all accounts, I believe they would have to
fall into the normal category as far as sibling relationships go. Commonalities? Yeah. Being raised in the same home is bound to
produce a certain amount of unity. But
the dissonances result in frequent cacophony and chaos.
For instance
I give my children an assignment, such as pick up the living
room. (Usually this dictate is given
after some company unexpectedly showed up at the door, and I’m painfully aware
that we failed at the maintain order objective once again.) Inevitably one of them starts chastening a
sibling for their minor contribution to the mess (the whole mote and beam syndrome) or
that they haven’t gotten on the task as quickly as they thought they should. Instant faultfinding
and bullying. Maybe their guilty conscience suddenly kicked
in or maybe they have poor coping skills of changing into work mode, but
whatever the reason – attacking others seems to be the default.
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| image from dailyexcelsior.com |
Because I have older children, I have the privilege
(finally) of having them watch the younger children while I am away from
home. I’m finding this to be a mixed
blessing. Frequently when I get home, there
are tales of contentions and fighting.
As I trace it to its origin, I often find the one in charge demanded
obedience from the others, and sometimes at the exclusion of their own
involvement (meaning they didn’t have to work – only give orders). Best described as unrighteous dominion. This
brought about rebellion and bitter feelings.
Surprisingly, this tendency to control others isn’t limited to when I’m
gone. Frequently, I am in the very same
room as they are barking orders to their siblings. In which case, I ask them if I could please be
the mom this time.
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| New Era - May 2014 |
As I consider what might be done to remedy these situations
and strive for peace in the home, it occurs to me that these childish behaviors
are not limited to childhood. And the
sibling relationships extend to a much bigger family.
Fault-Finding: This is so ingrained in our educational
system that we don’t even realize that we are stuck looking for what is bad
rather than searching for what is good. Like my children raging over others failings, we
don’t want to have our weaknesses pointed out, and so the defense is to find
fault with others. For example I hear
that Christians are among the most judging and hypocritical people out
there. The irony of this statement is amusing. 1) that statement is
in itself of a condemning nature and 2) it is easy to find fault with someone
who is trying to live a higher standard but fails - over someone who isn’t
trying at all. In politics, not only do
we witness ridiculous mud-slinging between candidates, but with the differing
parties or positions the result is personal attacks on the other party or cause. Even within the church, we have all kinds of
gossip, backbiting, and trips to the bishop’s office to file our complaints
about another ward member.
Unrighteous Dominion: All of history is filled with someone
usurping another person’s power. Consider
the fight to become the head hauncho (corporate ladder climbing, campaigning
for leadership, kill the king, etc.). Or
the leader taking advantage of their position and attempting control (Signing
executive orders instead of allowing the legislative branch to pass the laws, teachers
requiring compliance rather than inviting to learn, even teachers/leaders of righteousness
when they have their own unresolved sins). Consider how disregarding the proper authority
because of a superiority attitude (wives disdain for their “stupid” or “inferior”
husbands, law breaking because it is a “stupid” law, justifying sin because it
is infringing on supposed freedom).
The list of childish behavior that is happening in society
is pretty much endless. I can just see
Heavenly Father shake his head in discouragement much the same as I do when my
children fight and quarrel in these manners.
Strangely enough, I believe the memory of my bullying sister
echoed the solution. Whenever she didn’t
like something I was doing her response was – ‘Oh, Grow up’.
With
my own children, I looked forward to the time when they mature and no longer
feel they need to resort to such juvenile behavior in dealing with differences. As I consider that the same behavior is being
exhibited in “grown up” adults, maybe more than time and physical development,
will be necessary to give them the maturity needed to be bigger than the
problem.
So in my search for solutions, I’ve come up with the
following:
1. Learn to Love
I don’t mean make a study of or practice real hard to love
our neighbor. That is important, but it
is lacking the power to make it happen on a permanent basis. Loving unconditionally, especially someone
with whom we are in disagreement, is only possible as gifted from above. As we look at all the sin and disobedience in
the world, and yet still know that our Savior loves each one of us personally
enough to die and provide a way for us; that is a mature love worthy of
emulation.
Not only is it a commandment to love our neighbor but to
also love our enemies. The ability to do
so, is from the same source as the commandment.
In our maturing process, we begin selfishly – loving those who do
something for us. Then our love extends
to kindness, manners, or basic civility to those around us. When we can learn to love others as the
Savior loves all, then we have the maturity to interact with differences.
2. Discern between
Maybe one of the reasons that Christians are labeled
negatively is they may be lacking the ability to discern between. I know I’ve
struggled discerning between
condemning my personal weakness/sin and condemning my neighbor’s. In the effort to put off all ungodliness, it
can be challenging to identify the line of my stewardship between another’s.
I think what has helped me the most, was my husband’s
reminder of “they are not under the same covenant”. And if they are, remembering
that is between the Lord and them – it has nothing to do with me. As we learn to discern between by clarifying where that dividing line is, we can feel love for others without feeling like we are sacrificing our covenant.
3. Assume the Best
There is great power in assumption. When we can assume that others are doing the best
they can with where they are, we can keep our own heart at peace and respond
calmly, maturely, and in love. When we
assume they were attacking us maliciously, it puts our own heart at war – thus perpetuating
the downward cycle. I find it is always
best to assume the best when someone behaves the worst so as to put a stop to
the negative energy. And then respond
according to the golden rule.
Now remember, it doesn’t say “Do unto others as they have
done unto you” (that would be revenge).
Nor does it say “Do unto others as they should have done to you” (don’t should on yourself . . . – or others).
But “Do unto others, as you would have other’s do unto you”. (I guess it’s okay to would on yourself).
Wish me luck at teaching these success principles to my
children and I’ll continue to pray for the world at large.
To hear President Dallin H. Oaks address that inspired these reflections click here.
