A Prescription for Mankind

My son is impressive, I have to admit.  Recently, the idea was suggested that he may benefit from hormone treatment.  When I first heard this, it was like various flashing colored lights went off in my head and thousands of repeating dings sounded in my ear as the confirmation to explain his struggles.  See he is 16 years old....  And he still throws the biggest tantrum fits and booby displays at the least bit of opposition, just like a young toddler would throw.

Now I admit this has been a small source of embarrassment but mostly it has been irritating that I haven't been able to help him "grow up" and be a man.  To develop some sort of emotional resilency because our life (for some unexplainable reason) seems to be more on the chaotic and not-as-smooth-as-the-Joneses side of things.  It's not been a good combination for him.  And to have those circumstances with no coping ability has really worn on my patience.  Time-outs, natural consequences, and all other parenting techniques have seemed to fail in making any type of "lesson learned" result.  And so a "throw my hands in the air" and "roll my eyes" has become my default for his behavior.

Well, with the possibility that he is lacking the chemical make-up to be mature, my perspective has changed a little.  The other day he was working on his algebra studies.  And needless to say, it was getting frustrating to him that what he thought he understood as the process was lacking the discipline of regular practice to internalize.  I remember experiencing that same greivance as I was learning algebra so I can appreciate where he was coming from.  But as usual, his response was a little out of proportion to the frustration of a new learning curve (That's a polite way of saying he was being a big baby)

I observed his out-of-control response and then noticed that (this time) his struggles were really a valiant attempt to conquer the emotional instability.  Mind you, he wasn't succeeding, but I could see that he really was trying to subdue what he was feeling.  If he truly is lacking hormones, than the ability to be in control is non-existent.  So I was much more merciful and understanding of his struggles.  I do have some sense of compassion left.  

I couldn't help but think of my own "inabilities" to behave or become how I desperately want to.  It truely is exasperating.  And then I thought about how all of mankind could be compared to my son and his insufficient hormones.  We have the potential to be so much more than we currently are in our fallen state.  But even potential needs a little intervention in order to progess or develop at some point.

It isn't until we come unto Christ, the true physician, that we receive our (comparable hormone) treatment to rise above what our best efforts can produce alone.  The irony is we have to put forth our best effort, have tests run on the disease symptoms we are experiencing (after all we can do), and go to our appointment with the doctor (come unto Christ) before we can have the desired prescription.

And so, once again, a new perspective is changing my viewpoint toward mankind.  Could it be that everyone truly IS doing the best they can with what they've been given.  Or in this case, what they haven't been given.  Our fallen nature is lacking, whether that's a spiritual hormone, or the discipline of regular practice to internalize virtue.  But no matter how valiently we attempt to rise above, a prescription is necessary and has to be sought after.

Doc Terminus from Pete's Dragon

I know the world has LOTS of prescriptions for mankind on how to make them happy or healthy or wealthy or any and all desireable objectives.  Experts seem to have the formula or remedy for every type of ailment. It makes me think of the con artist doctors, traveling from town to town with the cure-all remedy in a brown bottle (which was really a placebo) in order to make a profit.  But like many doctors out there who prescribe a pain killer or band-aid versus a healer who finds the source of the problem and addresses the real issue, worldly prescriptions may appear to fix it, but the underlying deficit still exists.

The creator himself not only can make-up the difference, where we lack.  He IS the difference.  He IS the master healer.  Whatever chemical ingredient is missing for our growth, He IS the Source to obtain it.

The Pains of Progress

I’m feeling stuck between sins. 

I’m not sure that’s possible but that is how I’m feeling.

I’ll try and relate this internal turmoil as best I can but know that this is a very personal struggle and based on my growth insights, so it may be difficult to explain to any degree of comprehension.

Sin #1 – First, a little background.  As I began my homeschool journey, the world of opportunities opened up to me.  Among those was the idea that I could be a person of principle.  Making decisions and impacting others in a positive manner based on correct governing principles.  Of course I was already making decisions and impacting others previously - but the basis for my decisions were very selfish and immature in nature.  Hardly something I wanted to have emulated.   Such as what is convenient and easy . . . or costs less . . . or everybody else is doing . . . or gives me the most gain . . . or makes me look good . . . or satisfies my five senses . . . or is the most fun . . . or even because it’s tradition.

Pretty shallow motives for living life. 

But as I began to study people throughout history, I began to notice that the choices they made were for a nobler purpose.   Such as what is morally and ethically RIGHT (which in our day is rarely convenient, easy, cheap, popular, fun, profitable, palatable, fashionable, or socially acceptable).  It was an internal government rather than an external motivation.  A higher intent rather than a base objective.  I began to feel inspired by their greatness and desire to make my life matter – not necessarily to be seen by others but because I wanted to look back on my life with satisfaction without regrets.  I wanted to be good.  And for the first time I was seeing the discrepancy between choosing the right (CTR – if I’d been commanded in what to choose) and BE-ing the right (choice at the heart level). 

At first, my becoming a person of principle was small.  I’d pay greater attention to political platforms rather than vote for the person whose name I saw the most on campaign signs (hey, at least I was voting, right).  I’d pick up some trash as I was walking, rather than passing by it for somebody else (I know someone was being paid to do it, but money was no longer the motive - improving the community was).   Eventually my choices were more personally painful but at the same time incredibly rewarding.  Such as when we stopped using Medicaid because I realized, it is the improper use of federal funds, and my using it was perpetuating a decline in our society – even though we have a diabetic son and couldn’t afford all that was required for his care.   I understand that is an unpopular opinion but I’ll have to save my defense of it for another day.

This is just a dappling of my journey but I fell in love with becoming a person of principle.  I liked myself better, I was investing in something bigger than myself, I was being the change I wanted to see in the world, rather than simply complaining about it.  I was proud of who I was becoming.

That brings me to sin #2.  Unrighteous Dominion.  I admit, I’ve struggled with this for most of my married life.  Granted, my husband traveling for the majority of the time, didn’t make things easy because I had to fill both parental roles while he was gone (maybe I should emphasize that I TRIED to – not very often was I successful).  And then when he was here, I’d try to just be the wife and mother – but he kept making foolish decisions, so I’d have to correct him, right.   Yeah, yeah yeah, I know.  I’d like to be able to justify my stepping on his toes or not honoring his role as I should, but just because I didn’t mean to sin, doesn’t change the fact that I was usurping his responsibilities.  It was degrading to him and not allowing him to rise to his potential.  I’ve repented of this tendency many times, but I still struggle a great deal.  I’m a work in progress. 

So with that little background, here’s my current conflict.  Several months ago, my diabetic son was hospitalized for Ketoacidosis.  I went through the game of all the hospital staff trying to persuade us to enroll in Medicaid because we don’t have insurance.  It would be sooooo much easier on our budget, and the cost of hospitalization would be horrendous, etc. etc. etc.  I even had an enlightening conversation with an extreme leftist who felt the honorable thing to do was to allow society to pay for our expenses.  

On and on and on was the campaign to have us conform to an incorrect principle.  But I’m proud to say, (there’s that word again) I resisted and we successfully had several outrageous bills from the Emergency Room doctor, the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, and the Pediatrician. 

Now there is a reason we don’t have insurance.  We can’t afford it.  My husband is one of the hardest working and diligent men I know, but I can’t say he’s ever been financially profitable.  So in other words, we are broke.   So about a month ago, I realized I was doing the whole unrighteous dominion thing again, by not even counseling with my husband on how we should deal with the new hospital bills.  After all, he is the one that is breaking his back trying to provide for this family.   So I sat down and discussed our situation with him.  I stated my preference and my acceptance of being in bondage to the hospital for the remainder of my life, if it meant that we are making a principled choice.  And then I asked what he thought we should do.   

And of all the nerve, he said he wanted to apply for Medicaid with the “justification” that we pay taxes and have probably paid that amount over the years, and others would have donated funds for our cause, if they knew it, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  Granted, he’s not taken the same journey that I have, but I thought we were on the same page as far as not supporting a flawed system. 

Obviously I’ve underestimated the pressures he’s been feeling at providing for all of us.  And so, after an internal analysis, I supported his decision and applied for Medicaid. 

. . . . . . . .   Just kill me now. 

And I’ll admit, it felt glorious to remove those 4-5 digit debts off our liabilities.  It really did.  I want to help alleviate as much stress as I can off his shoulders.  But now I’m in conflict cuz’ I’m adding hypocrisy to my list of sins. 

So are some sins justified?  Is Unrighteous Dominion a worse sin than pride in a noble thing or being a hypocrite to one’s own beliefs?  It would be wonderful if the Lord gave us the funds we needed in order to preserve my integrity so that I wouldn’t have to choose, but I get the suspicious feeling that he is making something bigger out of us than simply a welfare project.  How can I support my husband’s decision without feeling that I have cheated my posterity of the legacy they deserve?  Where is the compromise that brings peace of conscience?  I don’t know that I have the answers, but like all my prayers, if I am patient enough, things will eventually work out. 

But in the meantime, I want to publicly apologize and express appreciation to the millions of Americans who have been required through forced charity to donate their funds for my son’s medical needs.   As well as apologize for my inconsistent and weakness of character.  I know my favorite quote of “Be the Change you wish to see in the World” is not an easy challenge, and so I’ll continue to pursue it.  I'm just not sure how at the moment.