I’m feeling stuck between sins.
I’m not sure that’s possible but that is how I’m feeling.
I’ll try and relate this internal turmoil as best I can but
know that this is a very personal struggle and based on my growth insights, so
it may be difficult to explain to any degree of comprehension.
Sin #1 – First, a little background. As I began my homeschool journey, the world of
opportunities opened up to me. Among
those was the idea that I could be a person of principle. Making decisions and impacting others in a
positive manner based on correct governing principles. Of course I was already making decisions and
impacting others previously - but the basis for my decisions were very selfish
and immature in nature. Hardly something
I wanted to have emulated. Such as what is convenient and easy . . . or
costs less . . . or everybody else is doing . . . or gives me the most gain . .
. or makes me look good . . . or satisfies my five senses . . . or is the most
fun . . . or even because it’s tradition.
Pretty shallow motives for living life.
But as I began to study people throughout history, I began
to notice that the choices they made were for a nobler purpose. Such as
what is morally and ethically RIGHT (which in our day is rarely convenient,
easy, cheap, popular, fun, profitable, palatable, fashionable, or socially acceptable).
It was an internal government rather
than an external motivation. A higher
intent rather than a base objective. I
began to feel inspired by their greatness and desire to make my life matter –
not necessarily to be seen by others but because I wanted to look back on my
life with satisfaction without regrets.
I wanted to be good. And for the
first time I was seeing the discrepancy between choosing the right (CTR – if
I’d been commanded in what to choose) and BE-ing the right (choice at the heart
level).
At first, my becoming a person of principle was small. I’d pay greater attention to political platforms
rather than vote for the person whose name I saw the most on campaign signs
(hey, at least I was voting, right). I’d
pick up some trash as I was walking, rather than passing by it for somebody
else (I know someone was being paid to do it, but money was no longer the
motive - improving the community was).
Eventually my choices were more personally painful but at the same time
incredibly rewarding. Such as when we
stopped using Medicaid because I realized, it is the improper use of federal
funds, and my using it was perpetuating a decline in our society – even though
we have a diabetic son and couldn’t afford all that was required for his
care. I understand that is an unpopular opinion but
I’ll have to save my defense of it for another day.
This is just a dappling of my journey but I fell in love
with becoming a person of principle. I
liked myself better, I was investing in something bigger than myself, I was
being the change I wanted to see in the world, rather than simply complaining
about it. I was proud of who I was
becoming.
That brings me to sin #2.
Unrighteous Dominion. I admit,
I’ve struggled with this for most of my married life. Granted, my husband traveling for the
majority of the time, didn’t make things easy because I had to fill both
parental roles while he was gone (maybe I should emphasize that I TRIED to –
not very often was I successful). And
then when he was here, I’d try to just be the wife and mother – but he kept
making foolish decisions, so I’d have to correct him, right. Yeah, yeah yeah, I know. I’d like to be able to justify my stepping on
his toes or not honoring his role as I should, but just because I didn’t mean
to sin, doesn’t change the fact that I was usurping his responsibilities. It was degrading to him and not allowing him
to rise to his potential. I’ve repented
of this tendency many times, but I still struggle a great deal. I’m a work in progress.
So with that little background, here’s my current
conflict. Several months ago, my
diabetic son was hospitalized for Ketoacidosis.
I went through the game of all the hospital staff trying to persuade us
to enroll in Medicaid because we don’t have insurance. It would be sooooo much easier on our budget,
and the cost of hospitalization would be horrendous, etc. etc. etc. I even had an enlightening conversation with
an extreme leftist who felt the honorable thing to do was to allow society to
pay for our expenses.
On and on and on
was the campaign to have us conform to an incorrect principle. But I’m proud to say, (there’s that word
again) I resisted and we successfully had several outrageous bills from the
Emergency Room doctor, the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, and the
Pediatrician.
Now there is a reason we don’t have insurance. We can’t afford it. My husband is one of the hardest working and
diligent men I know, but I can’t say he’s ever been financially
profitable. So in other words, we are
broke. So about a month ago, I realized
I was doing the whole unrighteous dominion thing again, by not even counseling
with my husband on how we should deal with the new hospital bills. After all, he is the one that is breaking his
back trying to provide for this family.
So I sat down and discussed our situation with him. I stated my preference and my acceptance of
being in bondage to the hospital for the remainder of my life, if it meant that
we are making a principled choice. And
then I asked what he thought we should do.
And of all the nerve, he said he wanted to apply for
Medicaid with the “justification” that we pay taxes and have probably paid that
amount over the years, and others would have donated funds for our cause, if
they knew it, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I couldn’t believe my ears.
Granted, he’s not taken the same journey that I have, but I thought we
were on the same page as far as not supporting a flawed system.
Obviously I’ve underestimated the pressures
he’s been feeling at providing for all of us.
And so, after an internal analysis, I supported his decision and applied
for Medicaid.
. . . . . . . . Just kill me now.
And I’ll admit, it felt glorious to remove those 4-5 digit
debts off our liabilities. It really
did. I want to help alleviate as much
stress as I can off his shoulders. But
now I’m in conflict cuz’ I’m adding hypocrisy to my list of sins.
So are some sins justified?
Is Unrighteous Dominion a worse sin than pride in a noble thing or being
a hypocrite to one’s own beliefs? It would
be wonderful if the Lord gave us the funds we needed in order to preserve my
integrity so that I wouldn’t have to choose, but I get the suspicious feeling
that he is making something bigger out of us than simply a welfare project. How can I support my husband’s decision
without feeling that I have cheated my posterity of the legacy they deserve? Where is the compromise that brings peace of
conscience? I don’t know that I have the
answers, but like all my prayers, if I am patient enough, things will
eventually work out.
But in the meantime, I want to publicly apologize and
express appreciation to the millions of Americans who have been required
through forced charity to donate their funds for my son’s medical needs. As
well as apologize for my inconsistent and weakness of character. I know my favorite quote of “Be the Change
you wish to see in the World” is not an easy challenge, and so I’ll continue to
pursue it. I'm just not sure how at the moment.
