A Matter of Perspective

It’s happening again.

My thoughts are out of control.   

Maybe I shouldn’t say my thoughts because I refuse to accept them.  If they were my thoughts, I wouldn’t be having this internal battle with myself.  Something, somehow I keep having these thoughts enter my head and because I don’t like them, I am forcing myself to reject them. 

It’s kind of like the feelings I experience once a month.  Around the time of my lovely feminine monthly cycle, I understand that chemically speaking, things are dramatically askew.  So I have to consciously not trust my feelings or perspective of what’s going on because I know in only a matter of days, I’m going to see things completely differently.  The things that seem monumental at that period of time are really insignificant to me the rest of the month.  The hurt feelings, the irritants, the tendencies to be grumpy and bossy – I don’t buy it.  It’s not my genuine self, and so as I recognize how I’m feeling or behaving – I choose to put it on the back burner for a few days to test if I feel the same after my hormones have adjusted to normal.  Nine times out of ten, the change in perspective is just as I suspected.

Now I’m not on my cycle but I am experiencing thoughts and feelings that are not of my own making.  And since my family has depression tendencies, I find myself experiencing deep sadness over these uninvited thoughts. 

Image by Samadi MD

For instance.

Since my husband came back from from New Zealand, where he has been for the past three months, my thoughts seem to be in a constant comparison game.  To what purpose, I’m at a loss. 

Within hours of his arrival, our children are much more obedient and compliant then they ever are with me.  That might be because of the natural respect children have for their fathers, but I can’t help but notice the lack of respect they have for their mother.  

Let’s face it, I’m no chef.  My focus may be on nutrition but primarily about removing the gnawing feeling of hunger from my family’s tummies.  But as far as making palatable or delicious foods with right seasoning or effective techniques – I’m pretty much a fail.  My husband enters the kitchen and all the kids are doing a happy dance because he is an excellent cook and focuses on what tastes really good.  Normally I’m grateful for his gifts and that’s the end of it, but now I’m feeling motherhood failure not only of nourishing my children with tasty meals but also being able to provide my husband with the joy of home cooked foods. 

The house is another thing.  I set up chores, systems, and accountability for maintaining the house.  But within a day, the house is cleaner and more maintained then it has ever been in the last three months. 

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  The failure realities are endless: Finances, emotional support, being 100% present, accomplishments, teaching, influencing others for good, even how I function when I’m sick – all are perceived as not enough. 

But I can’t help but wonder why.  Why am I being bombarded with these feelings and thoughts of a negative nature.  What is their source if not from my own choosing.   Why am I feeling paralyzed at finding or buying into my naturally pleasant and easy going perspective on life.  As I experience each thought, I’m recognizing it’s not my past personal belief, but I feel incapable of seeing the good qualities about myself. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m making every effort to annihilate them.  I know that I’ve found peace with my shortcomings before and even experienced the other extreme – only capable of seeing what I do good or my admirable qualities.  I much prefer that way of thinking because it is so empowering. 

There’s something more than the formula of GIGO.  I do not want or accept or create these negative thoughts/feelings.  But yet they are present all the same.  I choose to put good thoughts or focus on my good traits, but I’m getting this nonsense instead.

I have to trust that it is only a temporary warped perspective. That expression “Perspective is NOT reality” applies very well here.  I’ll continue to fight the battle within my own head and heart and I know that I will come out the victor for the mere fact that I’m not buying into the lies.  I may not be the source of these intruding thoughts, but I know I have the choice whether to entertain and believe or squash and dismiss. 

So excuse me while I prepare to do some squashing today. 

A futile Hope

My daughter’s home from her mission.  

Her number one desire for when she got home was to attend the temple again.  And so today we went.  

Image from lds.org

Yes, we had our typical obstacles- feeling sickly and it was probably best to not “share the love”, too tired on a busy day, temple closed, etc.  But today, almost a week since she came home, we made it. 

And it was awesome – just as expected. 

A couple observations.  I was a little surprised at the number (or should I say ‘numberless’) of patrons.  I guess I figured since the other local Temple was closed for reconstruction, and the smallness of the ordinance rooms, and my past experiences attending, that it would be a fairly “packed” session.   Not to mention that with all the troubles in the world today – a prophet of God chose the topic of temple attendance as the most important counsel for the next six months. Click Here to view his address. 

Hopefully it was only a lull in what is regularly full attendance.   

We arrived just after a session had begun and so we had about 45 minutes to wait in the chapel.  I picked up the scriptures and considered what revelation I wanted to receive today.  Deciding on a subject and offering a quick silent prayer, I randomly opened the scriptures and my eyes fell on the following verse.

                And the whole world lieth in sin, and groaneth under darkness and under the bondage of sin.

                And by this you may know they are under the bondage of sin, because they come not unto me. 

                For whoso cometh not unto me is under the bondage of sin.  (D&C 84:49-51)

Mind you, that was not the subject I brought before the Lord in my prayer, but I instantly knew the Lord was talking to me.

This probably requires a little back story.  For the last couple of years, I have been fasting and praying and seeking heavenly intervention in behalf of some loved ones who have chosen another path.  There have been times I felt my faith was in vain as I saw no outward appearance of a change of heart.  Other times, I felt I ought to put my energies into my own personal stewardships instead of hoping against hope that they would turn around.  But more often then not I ended up tagging a desire in my monthly fast, or holding on to hopeful anticipation that somehow they would awaken to the awfulness of their situation.    I wasn’t sure that I could love them more, or love them enough, to make a difference. 

And so when I saw this scripture, the words seemed to jump off the page at me.  The Lord wanted me to know that my friends are under the bondage of sin.  He had heard my prayers and felt my faith in their behalf, but his hands were tied, so to speak, because of their commitment to and bondage of their sins.  I felt certain that if their hearts were less hardened, if they would choose to be more humble or vulnerable or open, they would have already come unto Christ.  It's that darn choice that we fought so hard to preserve that is putting so many into bondage. 

I guess I’ve always known that sooner or later, IF they didn’t repent and return that I would ultimately have to come to terms with their choice.  I still don’t like to think of that because the gospel is one of hope and second chances – and I have to hold on to hope.

But the thought occurred to me.  Could I be truly happy in heaven, knowning that my loved ones weren't able to have the same degree of happiness. Does personal joy really compensate for the lack of joy that others have.  

I looked at those sitting around me and felt sure that I could create genuine relationships with any number of those who had remained faithful.  I was never going to be alone.  I was never going to be without joy.  

I don't know if the Lord is preparing me for that time that I will have to resign to the absoluteness that their choice is going to be honored above my righteous desire in their behalf.  But while they are still alive and while repentence is still an option, I'm not going to give up hoping and praying for them to become the victors.  And you can be certain that I put their names on the prayer roll as I walked out.