It’s happening again.
My thoughts are out of control.
Maybe I shouldn’t say my thoughts because I refuse to accept
them. If they were my thoughts, I wouldn’t
be having this internal battle with myself.
Something, somehow I keep having these thoughts enter my head and
because I don’t like them, I am forcing myself to reject them.
It’s kind of like the feelings I experience once a
month. Around the time of my lovely
feminine monthly cycle, I understand that chemically speaking, things are dramatically
askew. So I have to consciously not
trust my feelings or perspective of what’s going on because I know in only a
matter of days, I’m going to see things completely differently. The things that seem monumental at that
period of time are really insignificant to me the rest of the month. The hurt feelings, the irritants, the
tendencies to be grumpy and bossy – I don’t buy it. It’s not my genuine self, and so as I
recognize how I’m feeling or behaving – I choose to put it on the back burner
for a few days to test if I feel the same after my hormones have adjusted to
normal. Nine times out of ten, the
change in perspective is just as I suspected.
Now I’m not on my cycle but I am experiencing thoughts and
feelings that are not of my own making.
And since my family has depression tendencies, I find myself
experiencing deep sadness over these uninvited thoughts.
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| Image by Samadi MD |
For instance.
Since my husband came back from from New Zealand, where he
has been for the past three months, my thoughts seem to be in a constant
comparison game. To what purpose, I’m at
a loss.
Within hours of his arrival, our children are much more obedient
and compliant then they ever are with me.
That might be because of the natural respect children have for their
fathers, but I can’t help but notice the lack of respect they have for their
mother.
Let’s face it, I’m no chef.
My focus may be on nutrition but primarily about removing the gnawing feeling
of hunger from my family’s tummies. But
as far as making palatable or delicious foods with right seasoning or effective
techniques – I’m pretty much a fail. My
husband enters the kitchen and all the kids are doing a happy dance because he
is an excellent cook and focuses on what tastes really good. Normally I’m grateful for his gifts and that’s
the end of it, but now I’m feeling motherhood failure not only of nourishing my
children with tasty meals but also being able to provide my husband with the
joy of home cooked foods.
The house is another thing.
I set up chores, systems, and accountability for maintaining the
house. But within a day, the house is
cleaner and more maintained then it has ever been in the last three
months.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The failure realities are endless: Finances,
emotional support, being 100% present, accomplishments, teaching, influencing
others for good, even how I function when I’m sick – all are perceived as not
enough.
But I can’t help but wonder why. Why am I being bombarded with these feelings
and thoughts of a negative nature. What
is their source if not from my own choosing. Why am I feeling paralyzed at finding or
buying into my naturally pleasant and easy going perspective on life. As I experience each thought, I’m recognizing
it’s not my past personal belief, but I feel incapable of seeing the good
qualities about myself.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m
making every effort to annihilate them.
I know that I’ve found peace with my shortcomings before and even
experienced the other extreme – only capable of seeing what I do good or my
admirable qualities. I much prefer that
way of thinking because it is so empowering.
There’s something more than the formula of GIGO. I do not want or accept or create these negative
thoughts/feelings. But yet they are
present all the same. I choose to put
good thoughts or focus on my good traits, but I’m getting this nonsense instead.
I have to trust that it is only a temporary warped
perspective. That expression “Perspective is NOT reality” applies
very well here. I’ll continue to fight
the battle within my own head and heart and I know that I will come out the
victor for the mere fact that I’m not buying into the lies. I may not be the source of these intruding
thoughts, but I know I have the choice whether to entertain and believe or
squash and dismiss.
So excuse me while I prepare to do some squashing today.
