My heart has turned to war.
And I’ll be honest, I do not like it.
I won’t go into all the juicy details but suffice it to say
a series of small injustices have been taking place toward a member of my
family over the length of the past year.
With each incident, we tried to square our shoulders and make the best
of it.
Now, I realize that I’m hearing these accounts second hand
and not witnessing them myself or being able to hear the other side of the
story. And so there is a good chance
that I don’t have an accurate description of the details myself, but for the
most part, I don’t believe the telling was coming from a victim mode mentality
or a slanted perspective.
But I was shocked when the last incident
played out. This particular antagonist
got promoted with sympathies and praise while we not only received a damaged
reputation but other demotions that will affect our family severely.
And I’m ashamed to say that my heart went immediately to
war. I was livid. I embraced malice and had a desire for
revenge toward certain individuals for the part they played in this soap
opera. I was angry that these people
were not only getting away with it, but that others were trapped in their power
struggle as well. My heart at war
demonstrated itself through raised voices and slamming of doors. I found some excuse to go into town so that I
could “run away” from the pain and get distracted.
Basically, I was throwing a tissy fit.
The anger was soon joined with fear. Fear of the unknown implications what this
would mean for us now.
I knew I was in a downward spiral and needed to get out
fast.
And I knew the solution was to surrender. Surrender my hatred, surrender my fear, surrender
my pain, surrender my desires and ambitions and plans. And so I began the process.
I had to find something good about the individual who was wearing their authority on their sleeve. I had to have a state change in order to bring my heart to peace.
I considered going to his mother and asking her to sing his
praises. But she wasn’t available. And so I spent some time pondering, trying
to learn how to love him as I know Heavenly Father loves him – unconditionally. Now mind you, I’ve never even spoken to this
individual myself. I only know of him in
the context of passing and the role he played in “leadership”. But I knew I had to find a way to feel
genuine love for him if I was ever going to find peace in my heart and put
myself in a state of positive energy to move forward.
I won’t say that it was an easy transition, but I am pleased
to say that it was accomplished. Very
much with the help of the Lord, I’m sure, as I prayed for a change of heart and
a release from the bondage I was placing myself. The amazing thing is that it wasn’t over the
course of time or the distraction of other concerns. It was almost immediately. Once I completely surrendered and chose not
to own those negative emotions – I was at peace. Was it easy – not at all. Worth it – absolutely.
I still don’t know the end of the story – how things will
play out, but I do know that whatever comes our way, I’m choosing to deal with
it by having my heart at peace.
