I have to. . . .
Consider the alternative.
My nephew killed himself today. He has been battling with suicidal thoughts for several years now. And even though he was getting counseling, had support from family and friends, and making a valiant effort to resist, his fight was in vain.
As I watched his parents deal with the loss, my heart was breaking for them. They were numb with grief. There was nothing I or anyone else could do to alleviate or share in the pain they were experiencing.
How does one find meaning in a tragedy such as this? How does one even begin to pick up the pieces to put life together again?
I know I went through the whole gamut of emotions. Shock, denial, guilt, anger, confusion, and deep sadness. Some feelings such as the initial shock, were instantaneous and then on to the next. Some were reoccuring sporadically such as I couldn't believe this had really happened. Some feelings kept popping in there and I had to consciously reject it, such as the guilt that I hadn't done more and anger with myself for being so consumed in my own little traumas (which paled now in comparison) that I couldn't be there for him. I even felt anger that I wasn't more in tune with the spirit to respond and possibly help to avoid this tragedy. I was feeling lost and confused in being unsure what to do now. How to help, how to cope, how to even pray for direction. And finally the deep sadness, some of it from the loss of his life, but mostly as I saw the heartache from his death. I watched each of my children go through similar cycles. I saw his family experience these emotions at an even deeper level.
And when all the tears have run dry and the head throbs from being emotional for so long - eventually a lighter side of perspective comes into play. Whether it is finding and holding on to fond memories, or finding something worthwhile to put your focus on rather than on your grief. At least for the moment, until the negative emotions press down again for another go-around. Then eventually, with time, the deep feelings will lighten and the pain will turn to a dull but constant ache.
Yes, time can do miracles - but so can hope.
There's the kind of eternal hope that he will be reunited with his body at some point and that we'll be able to see him again some day. And the hope that an all loving Heavenly Father is reunited with him now and so he can finally experience peace. There's the hope that his eternal position and consequence is only a temporary punishment for the taking of an innocent life. And the hope that his life and now his death will have lasting positive influence in my heart as well as in the lives of those who were fortunate enough to know him.
I suppose I could choose bitterment, resentment, victimhood, or build walls to prevent experiencing any emotion. I could be so angry that I don't have the answers or understand "why". I could blame God and say "I won't play with you anymore" because things are not turning out the way I think they should. I could pretend it doesn't really matter or effect me. That life has no purpose or no grand scheme - and go through meaningless busy motions so as not to experience the soul-searching emotions.
There are plenty of avenues that could be chosen. But I choose hope. Just like I don't have all the answers or understand completely everything about this thing called life - I choose to Believe in Christ. And now that I don't understand completely everything about this thing called death - I choose the Hope that comes through Christ. My nephew ended his life because he couldn't find or see the hope that was surrounding him. And so I have to choose HOPE.
