I
haven't been able to write for awhile. I've wanted to, but just couldn't
bring myself to do it. Now it seems as though I'm needing to push myself
to write. Hoping for healing and
clarification and closure.
Death.
. .
I’ve
seen a lot of it lately. I’m calling it “The
Year of Death”.
And
not the they-lived-a-good-long-life-and-time-for-a-rest type death. All of them have been completely unexpected
and a shock. Two took their own life and
one was found dead from a seizure and another died suddenly from a heart
aneurism. And then my daughter’s dog was
run over. I’m hoping the year of death is coming to a
close.
Nate
– my Nephew who has been battling depression.
I felt sorrow for the degree of pain he must have experienced and a
little surprised he had the courage to follow through with his “stupid and
selfish” plans. Most of my anguish has
been because of the heartache his suicide has brought to his family, his
parents in particular as well as my daughter (who was his closest cousin).
Sagan
– my neice who suffered from seizures.
Interestingly enough, I cried the most over this loss – Maybe it was
because the repeat of sorrow from Nate, maybe because I was in a place where I
could cry uncontrollably and no one would notice, but more likely it was
because I realized I never even knew her.
They posted pictures of her on facebook and I never would have
recognized her as a family member. It
crushed me that I had failed in nurturing any type of relationship with her –
just because she grew up in another state.
Tracy – my brother-in-law and Nate’s father. I still feel ashamed about this one. I feel angry, frustrated, unresolved. Yes, he lost his battle with depression and I’m sorry about that, but my anger is that our relationship with him and his relationship with God was strained, and he killed himself before setting it right. I’m going to have to confess that this death is the one I’m struggling with the most and I’m not sure how to resolve it.
Bill (Isaac) – my own flesh and blood brother. His heart suddenly exploded and he left behind a sweet wife and four young children. Of all the deaths, this one has been the easiest for me. Maybe it’s because this has become familiar territory - dealing with death, but I think it’s more likely due that I have felt genuine peace. I have had heavenly assurance that he is well and happy and that God is pleased with his faithful life. Of all the sudden deaths – this is the one that did it right.
Ezry
– Dakota’s puppy cure for her discouragement of breaking her other ankle. I feel
kind of silly adding a dog at the end of this list of family members but it has
been a contributing factor in our family’s experience of death. It was either the icing on the cake or it was
a little too close to home for some of my children because this was also a painful loss.
We’ve
had lots of talks and family discussions about death and reviewing the plan of
salvation in an attempt to make sense of it all. We cry at sporadic times and are surprised at how many areas of our life is affected by these.
I
never thought about death being done right before. I mean, we all die. 100% of us will die. That's a guarentee that we can all bank on. And death causes pain to those who are left behind - 100% guarenteed. Even hearing of one's death that we never knew causes a miniscule amount of pain (if we are honest with ourselves), compassion requires it.
So with those guarentees - death and pain - control seems out of the question. But we do have some choice in the matter. There is already a natural avoidance of death (unless your mental health is askew and you actually desire it) and so at least everyone is giving a fighting chance to prolong the inevitable for as long as possible.
However, the desire to avoid pain can be pursued in one of two ways. Resist making heart connections so that when the inevitable occurs - it SEEMS less painful. But that didn't work for me in the case of Sagan. Not that I sought to avoid making a connection - life just happened. I hardly knew her, but I was torn with guilt that I hadn't. Besides, the other effects of detachment brings a hardened character, a calloused heart and desensitization - Not Good Qualities to work for.
The other option is to embrace the opportunity to connect. Cherish the relationship. Take every chance to express love and spend quality time. This course creates a great deal of pain but also fills you with treasured memories, increases the quality of your life, and there are no regrets.
As Tennyson famously said,
"It is better to have loved and lost,
than to never have loved at all"
The losing someone is guarenteed. Better love them while you can.
So with those guarentees - death and pain - control seems out of the question. But we do have some choice in the matter. There is already a natural avoidance of death (unless your mental health is askew and you actually desire it) and so at least everyone is giving a fighting chance to prolong the inevitable for as long as possible.
However, the desire to avoid pain can be pursued in one of two ways. Resist making heart connections so that when the inevitable occurs - it SEEMS less painful. But that didn't work for me in the case of Sagan. Not that I sought to avoid making a connection - life just happened. I hardly knew her, but I was torn with guilt that I hadn't. Besides, the other effects of detachment brings a hardened character, a calloused heart and desensitization - Not Good Qualities to work for.
The other option is to embrace the opportunity to connect. Cherish the relationship. Take every chance to express love and spend quality time. This course creates a great deal of pain but also fills you with treasured memories, increases the quality of your life, and there are no regrets.
As Tennyson famously said,
"It is better to have loved and lost,
than to never have loved at all"
The losing someone is guarenteed. Better love them while you can.
