Guarentees... Worth Loving For.

I haven't been able to write for awhile.  I've wanted to, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Now it seems as though I'm needing to push myself to write.  Hoping for healing and clarification and closure.

Death. . .

I’ve seen a lot of it lately.  I’m calling it “The Year of Death”. 

And not the they-lived-a-good-long-life-and-time-for-a-rest type death.  All of them have been completely unexpected and a shock.  Two took their own life and one was found dead from a seizure and another died suddenly from a heart aneurism.  And then my daughter’s dog was run over.   I’m hoping the year of death is coming to a close. 

Nate – my Nephew who has been battling depression.  I felt sorrow for the degree of pain he must have experienced and a little surprised he had the courage to follow through with his “stupid and selfish” plans.  Most of my anguish has been because of the heartache his suicide has brought to his family, his parents in particular as well as my daughter (who was his closest cousin). 

Sagan – my neice who suffered from seizures.  Interestingly enough, I cried the most over this loss – Maybe it was because the repeat of sorrow from Nate, maybe because I was in a place where I could cry uncontrollably and no one would notice, but more likely it was because I realized I never even knew her.  They posted pictures of her on facebook and I never would have recognized her as a family member.  It crushed me that I had failed in nurturing any type of relationship with her – just because she grew up in another state. 

Tracy – my brother-in-law and Nate’s father.  I still feel ashamed about this one.   I feel angry, frustrated, unresolved.  Yes, he lost his battle with depression and I’m sorry about that, but my anger is that our relationship with him and his relationship with God was strained, and he killed himself before setting it right.  I’m going to have to confess that this death is the one I’m struggling with the most and I’m not sure how to resolve it. 

Bill (Isaac) – my own flesh and blood brother.  His heart suddenly exploded and he left behind a sweet wife and four young children.  Of all the deaths, this one has been the easiest for me.  Maybe it’s because this has become familiar territory - dealing with death, but I think it’s more likely due that I have felt genuine peace.   I have had heavenly assurance that he is well and happy and that God is pleased with his faithful life.   Of all the sudden deaths – this is the one that did it right.

Ezry – Dakota’s puppy cure for her discouragement of breaking her other ankle.   I feel kind of silly adding a dog at the end of this list of family members but it has been a contributing factor in our family’s experience of death.  It was either the icing on the cake or it was a little too close to home for some of my children because this was also a painful loss.

We’ve had lots of talks and family discussions about death and reviewing the plan of salvation in an attempt to make sense of it all.  We cry at sporadic times and are surprised at how many areas of our life is affected by these.  

I never thought about death being done right before.  I mean, we all die.  100% of us will die.  That's a guarentee that we can all bank on.  And death causes pain to those who are left behind - 100% guarenteed.  Even hearing of one's death that we never knew causes a miniscule amount of pain (if we are honest with ourselves), compassion requires it.

So with those guarentees - death and pain - control seems out of the question.  But we do have some choice in the matter.   There is already a natural avoidance of death (unless your mental health is askew and you actually desire it) and so at least everyone is giving a fighting chance to prolong the inevitable for as long as possible.  

However, the desire to avoid pain can be pursued in one of two ways.   Resist making heart connections so that when the inevitable occurs - it SEEMS less painful.  But that didn't work for me in the case of Sagan.  Not that I sought to avoid making a connection - life just happened.   I hardly knew her, but I was torn with guilt that I hadn't.  Besides, the other effects of detachment brings a hardened character, a calloused heart and desensitization - Not Good Qualities to work for. 

The other option is to embrace the opportunity to connect.  Cherish the relationship.  Take every chance to express love and spend quality time.  This course creates a great deal of pain but also fills you with treasured memories, increases the quality of your life, and there are no regrets.  

As Tennyson famously said, 

                  "It is better to have loved and lost, 
                   than to never have loved at all"

The losing someone is guarenteed.  Better love them while you can.  

Tithing Epiphany

I've been trying to recall any experiences that I might have had that would illustrate the blessings received form paying a full tithe.  I'm teaching a lesson on tithing  and I know lessons are always more powerful if it is something that the teacher owns. 

I must have had some faith promoting experience somewhere along in my youth because I have always desired to pay my tithing and been successful at paying it first predominantly.  I can think of an instance where we discovered we were not as faithful at paying it first as we thought and when we discovered the sum of the missing amount due - It was a painful check to write.  I might add that it was not a good feeling to realize that we were in debt to the Lord and by so doing had denied ourselves blessings that could have been useful.  But even that situation was not the typical -"we don't have money to pay both tithing and another essential need and we chose to pay tithing and were blessed for it".  We just didn't have any money at all and had to earn more so that we could be straight with the Lord.

I've even been praying to help me remember a personal incident to reference to because my memory is - shall I say - less than efficient.  One day, while thinking along these lines, I got the impression that this is my personal experience.  It must have been the spirit because I wasn't sure what that meant and had to think about the significance of the thought for awhile.  I, of course, have been studying tithing in preparation for my lesson and become more aware that, even though we weren't without funds, my tithing checks had been accumulating for quite a while and I needed to hand them into the bishop this week.  (Actually, I've felt that impression for several weeks in a row - but seemed to forget it on Sundays while wrestling with all the kids). 

Then my daughter asked me - did we do something extraordinary to have Papa get all those amazing things happening all of a sudden.  He had been out of work for a couple of weeks and he got a call (before work would likely be available for the season) and was asked to work the next day.  Not five minutes later, while he was still doing the happy dance, a friend called and said that some grain had been spilled on the road and wanted to know if we wanted it for our pigs.  He dropped what he was doing and ran to fill up the back of his truck - free feed.  I'm sure there were other things all of a sudden going our way too, but that is primarily what she was refering to.  I thought about it and with the lesson fresh in my mind (the windows of heaven will open that there will not be room enough to receive it), I mentioned we did just hand in our tithing. 

Then it occurred to me - I've been having spiritual experiences regarding tithing and every other principle of the gospel all the time - but haven't recognized them as such because it happened in everyday life rather than a narrative of that principle.  It's up to me to recognize those principles-in-action and record them as a narrative so that I can see the Lord's hand in my life.  That's partly what our victory journal is for but I'd like to isolate each principle of truth and see it, record it, own it, snd share it.  Hopefully I'll get a collection of stories to not only strengthen my faith, but record my history and application of truth to share with my children.