I'm Addicted...........................................To Sin

Who’d have thought.

My good friend recommended a book that is used in the 12 steps of recovery for Alcoholics Anonymous called “He Did Deliver Me from Bondage”.   She praised it so highly, even buying a copy for me and later teaching a class on it for me, that I was desirous to get the most out of it that I could.  I was determined to identify an addiction that I was in denial about and begin the healing process.  As I began reading the book, I was searching for where my weakness lied.  Obviously, I’m not addicted to alcohol, drugs, pornography, sex, or anything of that nature, so I looked deeper.  Maybe overeating, sugar, perfectionism, or work.  But I’m not sure I’ve got an unhealthy issue there either.  So it was assumed that maybe I hadn’t gotten to the point of addiction yet, simply character weaknesses, the step shy of addiction.  (Mistake, repeated mistake, habit, character weakness, addiction) I was content with this conclusion as I continued to study the book – thinking it didn’t really apply to me yet, but still loving the power and insight that I was gaining from journaling, pondering, and study.         

Then about a month ago, I was in a discussion with my sister.  She mentioned a desire she had after reading the book “The Peacegiver” to go and TP the author’s house to make her feel better.  I was amused by the comment but couldn’t recall what about the book would trigger such a response.  So I picked it up and began rereading.  Then I got to the chapter explaining the nature of Sin.  Whooooaaa.  I don’t believe it was what affected my sister, but with my previous search for my own addiction, it was fascinating to have a clearer understanding how the fall of Adam was connected to addictions.  And how through that, I too am addicted.

 Just as the chemicals in a drug changes us physically so that we uncontrollably must have that substance, something about sin changes our character - our perspective, desire, and appetite.  We view the world differently, our concerns change to self rather than others, and justification for our indiscretions is fortified.   We basically become blind to the way things truly are and instead adopt a warped view, an inaccurate perception.   We lose our desire to do what we should and have an appetite for that which was formerly reprehensible.   Not only that, but we also lose our sense of responsibility regarding the action, which prevents any attempt at correcting it.  Just as a lullaby lulls a baby to sleep and a pacifier keeps it content – our changed character is lulled and pacified away from the responsibility to remedy the poor choice. 

And just as a physical addiction cannot be remedied by one’s own sheer determination and will power, the addiction to sin can only be overcome by allowing the atonement of Christ to work through us.  When we fail to follow the will of the Holy Spirit, we grant Satan power to captivate us through corruptible elements within our bodies. That’s it!  The “apple” corrupted our bodies so that Satan has quick access to overpower us.  He is the master identity thief – making us forget our own true eternal character. 

For some reason, I misread a line multiple times, even circling the misread word, but as I thought about it, I think I like the error better.  It says that ‘agency is the capacity we have to choose to follow the Lord or the devil’, and I read it ‘agency is the captivity we have to choose to follow the Lord or the Devil’.  We truly are captive one way or another. But we have a choice as to the type of captivity we wish to be subject to.   If we choose the Lord, we become his servants performing his good work, sacrificing our hearts, our wills, our everything in order to have ultimate freedom (eternal life) and perfect perspective.  If we choose the devil, we are captive to our fallen nature, seeing through a glass darkly, and ultimately are denied our very purpose for coming to this earth. 

Another powerful point was the idea that the earth is cursed for our sake.  Life is supposed to be hard so that in our warped view (because of the  change brought about by sin) we will FEEL the necessity to turn to Christ for deliverance.  So we, desiring to do wrong, absorbed with self, and seeing folly in others but not in ourselves, find it pretty challenging to want to choose to become subject to the Savior and his teachings.  And so God, in his mercy and for our sake, cursed the earth, gave us weakness, and allows bad things to happen, so that we will turn our hearts to Him and be saved from our bondage brought about by a single sin. It’s an interesting idea that I’m going to have to stew over some more until I change my perspective and see trials as an opportunity to live the gospel in action. 

I’ve always been intrigued by the stories where an outside source alters the main characters strength and purpose.  Frodo, with the intense burden of carrying the ring, sometimes lost his desire to fulfill his mission to destroy it.  Diggory entering the wood between the worlds, suddenly forgets all about time and his agenda and simply desires to sit around and enjoy the beauty.  Greek heroes, who when hearing the voices of the Sirens, blindly and willingly go to their own death.   Charles Wallace on the planet Camezotz is hypnotized by IT,who gets into his mind, alters his will, and keeps him captive through the pulsating rhythm.  Captain Picard finding himself in the Nexis, completely forgot his objective nor questioned the new and somehow fulfilled dreams that surrounded him.  Now I’m seeing a similar scenario happening to me, to all of us – and we’re not even aware of it.  Fortunately in the stories, they eventually come out the victor but it was a battle to gain control of themselves again. Likewise, I am engaged in this battle everyday, every minute, to not yield to the tempting voices and thoughts that are planted in my head.  And if I do, to immediately repent or turn away from them by asking God to help me. 

I used to look at people who were overweight and be critical of their continuing to stuff their face.  And I still have moments of disgust when my husband decides to quit drinking Dr. Pepper for the umpteenth time – knowing full well that it’s only a temporary conviction because it is missing the power to be permanent.  But as my sweet little brother rots in prison because of his bondage to alcohol, I see the actual horrible effects of addiction.  I recall, in a conversation with him, how he openly confessed and owned the fact that he’s an addict, so as to be constantly on guard and ever keep that weakness in the forefront of his awareness.   And now that I’ve identified my addiction, I am doing the same thing.  As I continue to study and ponder how “He Did Deliver Me from Bondage” helps me apply the reclaiming power of the atonement in my life, I too hope to come out the victor. 

Encrypted Communications

A friend from high school sent me a message through facebook.  After the usual small talk, a P.S. was added with a hinted message through a song.  After looking up the song on YouTube, I remembered it and it seemed to fit perfectly with what I felt was being said.  I’m not claiming to understand completely what was implied through that song dedication but it was fun to search it out and interpret as best I could. The novelty of the communication inspired me to want to respond in kind.  Needless to say, I’ve been searching through all kinds of music and have had a heightened awareness to the lyrics of songs.  But I haven’t had much success in finding one that fits.  First of all, I haven’t really been involved in the music scene for a long time.  For 20+ years now my music has been lullabies and nursery rhymes, church hymns or instrumental.  I have recently been exposed to my older teen’s music choice, but not a huge selection.   Next, most of the songs are all about romantic relationships – love songs.  And although I do love this friend dearly, that’s not exactly the message I’d like to communicate at this stage in my life.  So I thought I’d find a safe, plutonic friendship song –that hasn’t really worked out well either.  I’m considering not even playing the game, but it’s kind of frustrating to know that the perfect message is probably out there.   I just haven’t found it yet.   Maybe I could write my own song – bad idea.   Maybe music just isn’t my thing.   I could change the rules and send a secret message through a line from a movie, or maybe literature (although I might be losing common ground when approaching that subject).   The truth be known, what I am probably lacking is the creative streak to even have a message worth deciphering.  You know, wording it in such a way that it would be understood what to look for without spelling it out completely.  I remember asking a guy to a dance in college, by sending him on a scavenger hunt for the words and clues.  It was ALOT of work…, and he figured it out way too quickly.  I just may not be any good at subtle communications.

I got to thinking about the frequency and use of secret messages.  Spies send communication back to their headquarters so that it could not be understood by the untrained mind.   Military intelligence attempts to decode encrypted communications from the enemy – so as to interrupt their plans.  Artists, Authors, poets, playwrights, and musicians send their message through the medium that speaks to the heart, better than if told through verbal means.  Body Language and even verbal intonation have an air of mystery and decoding is necessary, however, probably not as much as the written word through texts, e-mail, and chats.  Even the early Christians used the symbol of drawing half a fish in the sand as a non-recognizable way of identifying if it was safe to discuss their beliefs in front of those around them.  Probably the most powerful use of this concept was the Savior himself, who taught in parables, symbolism, and multiple level interpretations, so that those who have eyes to see and ears to hear could understand the message He was communicating.  On a spiritual plane, the Holy Ghost rarely uses words but communicates instead through our feelings, ideas, dreams, visions, impressions, emotions, and sometimes a still small voice – almost indiscernible.  Conversely, the adversary communicates in much the same manner by planting foreign thoughts and untrue ideas into our minds, hoping that we will adopt them as our own and thus establish debilitating beliefs on which all other decisions will be made.  Yep, this world has a lot of secret communications.

There’s something exhilarating to finally catch on to the point of a hidden message.  I know when an idea all of a sudden comes clear in my mind, it seems so obvious, but for some reason, I just couldn’t see it before.  And then I see it everywhere, as if it had been there all along.  That’s what is so fascinating about mysteries – everything is usually right there in front of us, but the awareness is limited to what we want to see or are comfortable as being our reality.  That reminds me of the dwarves in ‘The Last Battle’ in the Narnia Chronicles.  Their eyes were incapable of seeing what was truly around them, because they believed one way and were unwilling to consider another.  Their perception of reality was such because they were unwilling to decode the encryption, to read between the lines.   I wonder how often I’m guilty of doing a similar thing. 

Since part of my life’s mission is about seeking truth – I love clarifying, decoding, and developing a deeper understanding of all that is around me.  But how do I work the opposite - communicate without communicating in full?  How does one even practice the art of ambiguity (if that is an art)?  If there’s an easy answer, I don’t have it. 

So what’s the point of all these thoughts about mysterious messages?  I really don’t have any idea.  But it’s going to be fun trying to figure it out.

my journal

hi its me washington agen and i got my frist quote journal and  wrote in it

Counting My Blessings

This last week has been terribly challenging for me emotionally.  I've run the gammit of high's and lows and I realized that I was stuck on a low for way too long.  So I decided right then to put to the test the challenge to count your blessings when down.  Of course that decision was several days ago and I've been trying to make time to write everyday since, but better late then never, right.  This may be a little bit of a challenge for me until my mind opens and allows goodness to come out again, but I've got to stop the venom of self pity and feelings of failure from doing anymore damage to myself, my children, my sweet husband, or any others. 

1- Since today is Sunday, and this is most pressing on my thoughts right now, I'll begin with the fact that I was released from my teaching position in the Relief Society (that's not what I'm calling a blessing because I loved that calling and it caused me to grow so much), but I immediately was extended a new calling that...well, quite frankly...scares me to death.  I'm counting it as a blessing because, oh boy, is it ever going to make me grow and develop in ways that I wouldn't have pursued on my own.  I can't go into any details at this point, but I think I'd probably be more comfortable with any other calling (minus playing the piano) than this one I just received.  I'm not sure what the Lord saw in me to receive this calling, but it's definately one that I'm not prepared for and will grow from.

2- We will probably get financing fairly soon to buy a house.  YEAH!!!! Unfortunately, I don't think it will be this house.  We've lived here for over 3 years and been perfectly content and intending to purchase when that time came.  So why my (and all of my family members) discontent has been compounded so much lately, I'm not sure other than a message that we are not to buy this house. 
The functional & space inadequacies, frustrations with the distance & expense, and several other issues seems to be so much more important now then it ever has been before.  I'm seeing this as a blessing that we have endured the dysfunction so well for so long (God has made our burden light), and also the hope that we will get into a house that will better meet our needs. 

3- I've received a promise that my infection will be healed.  I've had this infection that is not only uncomfortable and potentially dangerous, it is highly persistent.  I've been to the doctor twice, had 2 dosages of strong antibiotics, has 2 surgeries done to drain it, had to pump and dump as well as train my baby on a bottle, used several herbal, oil, homeopathic remedies to keep it at bay; but still, this infection is alive and strong and building up for another need for surgery.  If it wasn't for the promise in a priesthood blessing and in my own personal revelation, I would be highly discouraged. 

4- I'm healthy by choice and it feels good.  Near the end of my pregnancy, my midwives suggested a fairly restrictive diet.  Normally, I would have had much failure in ability to abide to such a strict food source.  Then shortly after, I felt impressed to cut out all refined sugars from my diet for good.  With that we turned to whole foods - whole wheat, brown rice, honey, etc.  If I were to have tried or even necessitated this eating regime in 2010 - there's no  way possible I would have had the successes I'm experiencing this time around.  The Lord is truely blessing me with the ability to stand firm on this health issue and I'm so grateful because for years it was a terrible weakness almost without hope.  But as in all things, God is my only HOPE.

5- Washington is taking better care of his Diabetes.  We held a fast and invited all who wanted to, to join in our efforts to reach him in his ability to manage his diabetes.  We had many who joined and many helpful suggestions.  The number one most helpful thing has been my sister who offered to participate in twice a week coaching to help him create the habits of health that he is needing.  She has been absolutely amazing and truely an answer to my prayers.  We are still in the beginning stages, but his management has been so much improved, I'm again filled with hope. 

6- My educationally challenging child is finally...finally...making some headway in her education.  For some of my kids, I can find a hot button to - well - manipulate.  Or find a way to inspire them to explore knowledge and truth.  But I have this one child that has always left me feeling clueless and helpless.  I never knew how to help her to create the results that she and I both wanted for her success in this life.  But she has been putting in several long days of intense study, by her own choice, and I'm feeling the burden being lifted in regard to her success.  Of course, time will tell, but things are looking promising.

7- Although my time has been highly pressed, I have had success in two fairly important educational areas for me.  One, I taught the Wheel of Time class this last semester - which caused me to learn lots and prepare presentations (storytelling - not exactly my strong suit) every single week.  I couldn't plan the whole thing in advance and then lose interest half way through like I have in the past.  The other was participating in the Great Books class.  Attempting to study from this every week has been a challenge - yes, but so good for my self-confidence in being able to tackle this difficult of a class. 

8- Aristotle has shall I say - floored me - on several occasions recently with his calm and controlled responses to his children.  After 20 years he's changing on me and it's been fascinating to see him mature and grow spiritually.  He has been treating the kids almost better than I do and it's so refreshing to see his efforts to be on the same page as me, and conquer his natural habit.  I don't feel so alone in raising the kids and I'm really enjoying his genuine desire to do and be better.  I'm so grateful for such an amazing sweet husband and father.

9- I really feel bad that I did such a poor job of filling my shelves with food storage this year due to lack of canning time & resources, but I'm still in shock at the amount that we have gotten done.  We have many pigs that are keeping the freezer full, lots of corn from a contact that let us have it, good produce that can be used for the pigs, and sometimes case lot sales or groceries when we are running a little too lean.  The Lord has blessed us abundantly.

10- Probably my biggest blessing is my family.  I have amazing children who have a strong testimony of the gospel and somehow have not bought into a lot of the deceptive temptations that most teenagers struggle with.  My husband loves and pampers me and works so hard to provide for us.  We are learning and growing together in school as well and life's lessons.  Life is good.

Yep.  It works!  I feel so much more happy and optomistic.  I know good things are ahead as I improve the mistakes from the past.  Counting my blessings - who'd a thought.

Wheel of Time - Week 11 - Medieval Book Discussion

It is time for our book discussion for the medieval time period.  I'm sorry to say, that I think we were the only ones who had even started a medieval book - except in the case of Noah - he always seems to do what is asked.  As we began class, we talked a litte bit about some of the environments and atmosphere during this period then started right in on the craft.  I thought having them make a lapbook for the medieval time period would sumarize it fairly well, so that's what we did.  I had made a few copies of castles, famous people, and shields for their use and cut them out.  But the rest of their creation was entirely on their own.  I let them look through whatever resources I had (knights coloring book, castles, cathedrals, & the Story of the World Activity Book) & I made copies of anything they wanted in class on whatever color of paper they requested.  It kept me pretty busy but I think they had an enjoyable time.  One of the comments I heard just made my day.  Quote "This is the best class ever".   

Wheel of Time - Week 10 - 13th Century BC

This was another century where I just wasn't finding much to report.  Of course, there was a significant event (Moses) but it seemed to be the only one.  Weird. 

And as luck would have it, I had a minor surgery this week and so I couldn't even go to class.  My daughter, Austen, was good enough to step in and substitute for me.  And even on a day that she was giving a huge presentation in her Shakespeare class.  So from what I understand, she told them the story of Moses for this century, then made a hangman game.  Girls against boys.  She put a phrase, well... lines representing letters, up on the board, and if the team answered the event or other information regarding the picture drawn, they earned the right to guess a letter.  Once they figured out the phrase - they used the rest of the time just playing hangman.  So the kids got a fun way to  review what we've learned, Austen got some leadership experience, and I got to stay at home with the intent of resting and recooperating.  At least that was the idea. 

Wheel of Time - Week 9 - 17th Century

Before class, I had e-mailed that I would give a small prize to whomever would like to hand in a written report of their presentation.  My own children were eager to do so since they saw (and coveted) the prizes I had for the participants.  There were several written reports, several verbal and even spontaneous presentations.  I think every student stood up to share something at this point. 

Our 17th Century timeline entries began with the Dutch Golden Age.  The fine arts were at the highest point as well as industry.  The Baroque Cultural Movement needed a little explanation but some were aware of Baroque type music from their private instructions.  The Scientific Revolution was at its peak during this century.  But on the down side, The General Crisis that was mostly caused by conflict between protestant and catholic faiths, kept the nations in an almost constant state of war.  It was also during this conflict that brought about the King James Bible as well as the Jamestown Colony (John Smith & Pocahontas).  Two pretty amazing things that were done in spite of a pretty rotten king.  The last thing we discussed was the Mayflower Compact that took place with the puritans trying to prepare a safe environment for their children to grow up in. 

Our activity was a simple one of coloring a puppet to glue on a paper sack, but unfortunately, I forgot to buy the paper sacks.  Oops.