I'm HONESTLY DisHonest

The other day I was being interviewed for a renewal of my temple recommend.  The questions were fairly simple to answer and there was a certain amount of “Whew – (wipe forehead) I must be doing something right” feeling.  But I was surprised how one question has lingered in my thoughts as I’ve wondered if I was accurate in my answer.  I don’t recall the exact wording, but it’s the question that asks if I am honest in all my dealings with my fellow men.  Up until recently, I felt I had been.  Now I’m beginning to wonder if that question has more layers than I first imagined.

MY FIRST EFFORT

When I was in High School, I was probably a typical teen.  Ultimately good but had practices that were a bit borderline.  At college I recognized that one of those borderline behaviors had become a polished skill  – I was really good at lying.  I don’t recall practicing or even intentionally trying to be deceptive, but I could very convincingly alter the facts to portray whatever image or story I was promoting at the time.  Nothing major, mind you, but those “little white lies” came incredibly easy for me.  It came in handy when working on a secret surprise for someone or making myself look more innocent than I truly was.  I’m not sure what triggered the desire to alter this skill but at some point I decided that I was going to be 100% honest.  No more white lies, no more “what they don’t know won’t hurt them”, no more half-truths – just the bone back facts.

 

And that’s when I really began to see how gifted of a liar I was.  I had the force (think star wars)… the force of habit.  There was immense pain as I would automatically alter the details (with no perceived purpose for doing so) out of habit.  I recall one incident that involved tickets for a performance on campus.  It would have been so easy to fudge on the details of my status and gotten the tickets for a greatly reduced rate and I began to do so, but something helped me (maybe a still small voice) to correct the misunderstanding and pay full rate.  And surprising to me, I FELT GLORIOUS.  The rush from being honest was 10 times the rush from getting a cheaper ticket.  I couldn’t believe how enlarged my soul felt for doing such a simple little thing. What do drugs/alcohol have to offer compared to this?

After that episode, I knew that my priorities had changed permanently.  Honesty truly was the best policy. 

DECEPTIONS ALL AROUND

For about 25 years now, I’ve answered that “honesty” question in the affirmative because I thought I had conquered that mountain.  Telling the truth had become as much a habit for me now as the stretching it had been before. 

However, during the last several years, I’ve noticed an increasing level of discomfort for things that I never paid attention to before.  Maybe my “honesty” mission had gone to the extreme, because things like magicians [sleight of hand], actors [pretended identity], and even comedy [anything for a laugh] were seen as different flavors of deception and false images.  The great social and time pressures, 

even as adults, promote falsehoods such as “keep up with the Jones’s”, “let’s not, and say we did”, or agree to having read contracts that haven’t actually been read (one of my great weaknesses, I’m afraid).  

Even noble intentions such as having compassion toward others used a certain amount of duplicity under the titles of being ‘tactful’ [Does this make me look fat] or ‘diplomatic’ [common ground with an ulterior motive].  Setting goals and stating positive affirmations with the philosophy of “Fake it till you make it” is a “believe and you can achieve” pretense.  Whether it is the creation process or not doesn’t change the fact that it is a discrepancy from the current reality.

Plato, in setting up an “ideal” society considered which approach should be used in regard to the teaching of young children.  He identified that we could teach truth… or we could teach lies – and of course we would begin their learning with lies.     I was appalled as I realized that is exactly what we do with all the fairy tales, fables, tall tales, and other fictional stories.   I recall my niece’s confession that she felt betrayed by her parents when she found out about Santa Claus.   At the time, I was amused by her comment but now wondered about the value of that tradition.

Yep - Society is dripping in Deception.

And this past month, I finally realized that society has a double standard of ethics.  One for personal (or religious) and one for games.  WIN – at the expense of another, take advantage of the opponent’s weakness, strategize to prevent their advancement, steal the ball, etc.  Even my scriptural heroes of Ammon and Captain Moroni used guile and strategy to accomplish their objectives. 

A NECESSARY EVIL

In most cases, honesty trumps deception, but I get how living in an imperfect world requires altercations from the ideal. Immanual Kant helped me to realize this.  He believed honesty in ALL situations was necessary… so if the authorities came to his door and asked if he had Jews in his house, he would not only confirm the suspicion with an affirmative, but take them to the hiding place.  But to be fair, he would be known for his impeccable honesty and the Jews knew he wouldn’t lie for them.

I, however, believe that preserving a life from an evil is a greater good than keeping my word, in that respect.  And so, Yes, I believe we must take the spirit to be our guide to discern between absolute or relative ethics in any particular situation, or to discern between being without guile or using strategy for a greater good. 

SOCIETY TO SELF

Keeping up with the Joneses may be a worldly pursuit, but “Keeping Up Appearances” is evident on multiple levels. 

Social media is gaining the reputation of displaying only the good that is happening in one’s life (with the occasional rant).  Which doesn’t show a complete well rounded picture of one’s genuine status.

There is the self-betrayal that might happens at every choice.  If I choose to follow my inner voice, everything is fine, but when I choose contrary to my true self, not only am I being deceitful to myself, I am disempowered at making the next choice correctly or experiencing happiness as a result.  Gotta stay the course so I don’t have to eat crow. 

A believer in Christ is still only human and prone to weaknesses.  It’s a delicate business finding the balance between genuine humility and confidence in Christ.  Sadly, many don’t find that balance very easily and become hypocrites because their effort.  I would fall into that category more often than I like.  A trapped into being a hypocrite (explained in greater detail here) is another example of not being honest with self.  And there is an unspoken standard to preach the gospel without indicating personal failure or weakness – as if the Bishop is the only one that the spiritually sick are to receive the administrations from the great physician or that others cannot benefit from my brokenness.  It’s not true, but it the socially acceptable behavior.  Ironically, the very first step in the repentance process is to honestly admit that I am powerless to overcome my struggles on my own and that my life has become unmanageable.  That takes a huge amount of honesty with self and with God.  It goes back to the drawing the line and clarifying which part is mine and which part is yours. 

We all want to have our act together and somewhere along the lines, that seems to be defined as being happy… all the time.  There is great pressure to not allow others to see or even to experience pain… or confusion… or cry… or are less than… or are lonely… or vulnerable to weakness… or slobs… or are sad… or poor… or… the list goes on and on.   As if being {fill in the blank} is a sin or causing harm to society at large.  Worth our sympathy but not our empathy.  Good intentioned advice might be to “Choose out of it”, “make a state change”, “don’t let others know”, or “ignore it and it will go away”.  The only problem I’m seeing with this is that it denies what IS before trying to change it.  There is value in experiencing and “BEING” and these consequences are set in place for a learning opportunity – not a hiding opportunity. 

And I’ve recently become acutely aware of the damaging effects of not being brutally honest emotionally.  Stuffing the emotions or adopting the “voice” of shame rather than identifying what I feel, experiencing it,determine its truthfulness and then letting it go or choosing to learn from it.   Emotional honesty is nothing more than a conscious awareness of what is going on in my internal world and am willing to share with others what I feel, perceive, think, understand, etc.  Emotional dishonesty can exhibit itself through procrastination, manipulation, pride, entitlement mentality, reacting in fear, denial, agreeing with shame messages, selfishness, blaming, judging, and even physical illness.  It’s such an abstract experience, it’s hard to identify, but the negative results caused by emotional ‘shtuff’-ing indicates another level of keeping up appearances that’s not based on truth.  One can not be honest and emotional dishonest at the same time.  And that reality hurts.

IN SEARCH OF PERSONAL HONESTY

With heightened awareness of these varied levels of honesty, I’m not sure how to sincerely answer the temple recommend interview question.  But an additional perk is I’m making more effort at BEING, being okay with my vulnerability or brokenness, feeling my emotions and internally processing what that means, and seeking Christ more fully in my efforts to be his disciple.

And I'll work on not entering so many contracts if I don't want to read them (wink)

A Prescription for Mankind

My son is impressive, I have to admit.  Recently, the idea was suggested that he may benefit from hormone treatment.  When I first heard this, it was like various flashing colored lights went off in my head and thousands of repeating dings sounded in my ear as the confirmation to explain his struggles.  See he is 16 years old....  And he still throws the biggest tantrum fits and booby displays at the least bit of opposition, just like a young toddler would throw.

Now I admit this has been a small source of embarrassment but mostly it has been irritating that I haven't been able to help him "grow up" and be a man.  To develop some sort of emotional resilency because our life (for some unexplainable reason) seems to be more on the chaotic and not-as-smooth-as-the-Joneses side of things.  It's not been a good combination for him.  And to have those circumstances with no coping ability has really worn on my patience.  Time-outs, natural consequences, and all other parenting techniques have seemed to fail in making any type of "lesson learned" result.  And so a "throw my hands in the air" and "roll my eyes" has become my default for his behavior.

Well, with the possibility that he is lacking the chemical make-up to be mature, my perspective has changed a little.  The other day he was working on his algebra studies.  And needless to say, it was getting frustrating to him that what he thought he understood as the process was lacking the discipline of regular practice to internalize.  I remember experiencing that same greivance as I was learning algebra so I can appreciate where he was coming from.  But as usual, his response was a little out of proportion to the frustration of a new learning curve (That's a polite way of saying he was being a big baby)

I observed his out-of-control response and then noticed that (this time) his struggles were really a valiant attempt to conquer the emotional instability.  Mind you, he wasn't succeeding, but I could see that he really was trying to subdue what he was feeling.  If he truly is lacking hormones, than the ability to be in control is non-existent.  So I was much more merciful and understanding of his struggles.  I do have some sense of compassion left.  

I couldn't help but think of my own "inabilities" to behave or become how I desperately want to.  It truely is exasperating.  And then I thought about how all of mankind could be compared to my son and his insufficient hormones.  We have the potential to be so much more than we currently are in our fallen state.  But even potential needs a little intervention in order to progess or develop at some point.

It isn't until we come unto Christ, the true physician, that we receive our (comparable hormone) treatment to rise above what our best efforts can produce alone.  The irony is we have to put forth our best effort, have tests run on the disease symptoms we are experiencing (after all we can do), and go to our appointment with the doctor (come unto Christ) before we can have the desired prescription.

And so, once again, a new perspective is changing my viewpoint toward mankind.  Could it be that everyone truly IS doing the best they can with what they've been given.  Or in this case, what they haven't been given.  Our fallen nature is lacking, whether that's a spiritual hormone, or the discipline of regular practice to internalize virtue.  But no matter how valiently we attempt to rise above, a prescription is necessary and has to be sought after.

Doc Terminus from Pete's Dragon

I know the world has LOTS of prescriptions for mankind on how to make them happy or healthy or wealthy or any and all desireable objectives.  Experts seem to have the formula or remedy for every type of ailment. It makes me think of the con artist doctors, traveling from town to town with the cure-all remedy in a brown bottle (which was really a placebo) in order to make a profit.  But like many doctors out there who prescribe a pain killer or band-aid versus a healer who finds the source of the problem and addresses the real issue, worldly prescriptions may appear to fix it, but the underlying deficit still exists.

The creator himself not only can make-up the difference, where we lack.  He IS the difference.  He IS the master healer.  Whatever chemical ingredient is missing for our growth, He IS the Source to obtain it.

The Pains of Progress

I’m feeling stuck between sins. 

I’m not sure that’s possible but that is how I’m feeling.

I’ll try and relate this internal turmoil as best I can but know that this is a very personal struggle and based on my growth insights, so it may be difficult to explain to any degree of comprehension.

Sin #1 – First, a little background.  As I began my homeschool journey, the world of opportunities opened up to me.  Among those was the idea that I could be a person of principle.  Making decisions and impacting others in a positive manner based on correct governing principles.  Of course I was already making decisions and impacting others previously - but the basis for my decisions were very selfish and immature in nature.  Hardly something I wanted to have emulated.   Such as what is convenient and easy . . . or costs less . . . or everybody else is doing . . . or gives me the most gain . . . or makes me look good . . . or satisfies my five senses . . . or is the most fun . . . or even because it’s tradition.

Pretty shallow motives for living life. 

But as I began to study people throughout history, I began to notice that the choices they made were for a nobler purpose.   Such as what is morally and ethically RIGHT (which in our day is rarely convenient, easy, cheap, popular, fun, profitable, palatable, fashionable, or socially acceptable).  It was an internal government rather than an external motivation.  A higher intent rather than a base objective.  I began to feel inspired by their greatness and desire to make my life matter – not necessarily to be seen by others but because I wanted to look back on my life with satisfaction without regrets.  I wanted to be good.  And for the first time I was seeing the discrepancy between choosing the right (CTR – if I’d been commanded in what to choose) and BE-ing the right (choice at the heart level). 

At first, my becoming a person of principle was small.  I’d pay greater attention to political platforms rather than vote for the person whose name I saw the most on campaign signs (hey, at least I was voting, right).  I’d pick up some trash as I was walking, rather than passing by it for somebody else (I know someone was being paid to do it, but money was no longer the motive - improving the community was).   Eventually my choices were more personally painful but at the same time incredibly rewarding.  Such as when we stopped using Medicaid because I realized, it is the improper use of federal funds, and my using it was perpetuating a decline in our society – even though we have a diabetic son and couldn’t afford all that was required for his care.   I understand that is an unpopular opinion but I’ll have to save my defense of it for another day.

This is just a dappling of my journey but I fell in love with becoming a person of principle.  I liked myself better, I was investing in something bigger than myself, I was being the change I wanted to see in the world, rather than simply complaining about it.  I was proud of who I was becoming.

That brings me to sin #2.  Unrighteous Dominion.  I admit, I’ve struggled with this for most of my married life.  Granted, my husband traveling for the majority of the time, didn’t make things easy because I had to fill both parental roles while he was gone (maybe I should emphasize that I TRIED to – not very often was I successful).  And then when he was here, I’d try to just be the wife and mother – but he kept making foolish decisions, so I’d have to correct him, right.   Yeah, yeah yeah, I know.  I’d like to be able to justify my stepping on his toes or not honoring his role as I should, but just because I didn’t mean to sin, doesn’t change the fact that I was usurping his responsibilities.  It was degrading to him and not allowing him to rise to his potential.  I’ve repented of this tendency many times, but I still struggle a great deal.  I’m a work in progress. 

So with that little background, here’s my current conflict.  Several months ago, my diabetic son was hospitalized for Ketoacidosis.  I went through the game of all the hospital staff trying to persuade us to enroll in Medicaid because we don’t have insurance.  It would be sooooo much easier on our budget, and the cost of hospitalization would be horrendous, etc. etc. etc.  I even had an enlightening conversation with an extreme leftist who felt the honorable thing to do was to allow society to pay for our expenses.  

On and on and on was the campaign to have us conform to an incorrect principle.  But I’m proud to say, (there’s that word again) I resisted and we successfully had several outrageous bills from the Emergency Room doctor, the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, and the Pediatrician. 

Now there is a reason we don’t have insurance.  We can’t afford it.  My husband is one of the hardest working and diligent men I know, but I can’t say he’s ever been financially profitable.  So in other words, we are broke.   So about a month ago, I realized I was doing the whole unrighteous dominion thing again, by not even counseling with my husband on how we should deal with the new hospital bills.  After all, he is the one that is breaking his back trying to provide for this family.   So I sat down and discussed our situation with him.  I stated my preference and my acceptance of being in bondage to the hospital for the remainder of my life, if it meant that we are making a principled choice.  And then I asked what he thought we should do.   

And of all the nerve, he said he wanted to apply for Medicaid with the “justification” that we pay taxes and have probably paid that amount over the years, and others would have donated funds for our cause, if they knew it, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  Granted, he’s not taken the same journey that I have, but I thought we were on the same page as far as not supporting a flawed system. 

Obviously I’ve underestimated the pressures he’s been feeling at providing for all of us.  And so, after an internal analysis, I supported his decision and applied for Medicaid. 

. . . . . . . .   Just kill me now. 

And I’ll admit, it felt glorious to remove those 4-5 digit debts off our liabilities.  It really did.  I want to help alleviate as much stress as I can off his shoulders.  But now I’m in conflict cuz’ I’m adding hypocrisy to my list of sins. 

So are some sins justified?  Is Unrighteous Dominion a worse sin than pride in a noble thing or being a hypocrite to one’s own beliefs?  It would be wonderful if the Lord gave us the funds we needed in order to preserve my integrity so that I wouldn’t have to choose, but I get the suspicious feeling that he is making something bigger out of us than simply a welfare project.  How can I support my husband’s decision without feeling that I have cheated my posterity of the legacy they deserve?  Where is the compromise that brings peace of conscience?  I don’t know that I have the answers, but like all my prayers, if I am patient enough, things will eventually work out. 

But in the meantime, I want to publicly apologize and express appreciation to the millions of Americans who have been required through forced charity to donate their funds for my son’s medical needs.   As well as apologize for my inconsistent and weakness of character.  I know my favorite quote of “Be the Change you wish to see in the World” is not an easy challenge, and so I’ll continue to pursue it.  I'm just not sure how at the moment. 

Guarentees... Worth Loving For.

I haven't been able to write for awhile.  I've wanted to, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Now it seems as though I'm needing to push myself to write.  Hoping for healing and clarification and closure.

Death. . .

I’ve seen a lot of it lately.  I’m calling it “The Year of Death”. 

And not the they-lived-a-good-long-life-and-time-for-a-rest type death.  All of them have been completely unexpected and a shock.  Two took their own life and one was found dead from a seizure and another died suddenly from a heart aneurism.  And then my daughter’s dog was run over.   I’m hoping the year of death is coming to a close. 

Nate – my Nephew who has been battling depression.  I felt sorrow for the degree of pain he must have experienced and a little surprised he had the courage to follow through with his “stupid and selfish” plans.  Most of my anguish has been because of the heartache his suicide has brought to his family, his parents in particular as well as my daughter (who was his closest cousin). 

Sagan – my neice who suffered from seizures.  Interestingly enough, I cried the most over this loss – Maybe it was because the repeat of sorrow from Nate, maybe because I was in a place where I could cry uncontrollably and no one would notice, but more likely it was because I realized I never even knew her.  They posted pictures of her on facebook and I never would have recognized her as a family member.  It crushed me that I had failed in nurturing any type of relationship with her – just because she grew up in another state. 

Tracy – my brother-in-law and Nate’s father.  I still feel ashamed about this one.   I feel angry, frustrated, unresolved.  Yes, he lost his battle with depression and I’m sorry about that, but my anger is that our relationship with him and his relationship with God was strained, and he killed himself before setting it right.  I’m going to have to confess that this death is the one I’m struggling with the most and I’m not sure how to resolve it. 

Bill (Isaac) – my own flesh and blood brother.  His heart suddenly exploded and he left behind a sweet wife and four young children.  Of all the deaths, this one has been the easiest for me.  Maybe it’s because this has become familiar territory - dealing with death, but I think it’s more likely due that I have felt genuine peace.   I have had heavenly assurance that he is well and happy and that God is pleased with his faithful life.   Of all the sudden deaths – this is the one that did it right.

Ezry – Dakota’s puppy cure for her discouragement of breaking her other ankle.   I feel kind of silly adding a dog at the end of this list of family members but it has been a contributing factor in our family’s experience of death.  It was either the icing on the cake or it was a little too close to home for some of my children because this was also a painful loss.

We’ve had lots of talks and family discussions about death and reviewing the plan of salvation in an attempt to make sense of it all.  We cry at sporadic times and are surprised at how many areas of our life is affected by these.  

I never thought about death being done right before.  I mean, we all die.  100% of us will die.  That's a guarentee that we can all bank on.  And death causes pain to those who are left behind - 100% guarenteed.  Even hearing of one's death that we never knew causes a miniscule amount of pain (if we are honest with ourselves), compassion requires it.

So with those guarentees - death and pain - control seems out of the question.  But we do have some choice in the matter.   There is already a natural avoidance of death (unless your mental health is askew and you actually desire it) and so at least everyone is giving a fighting chance to prolong the inevitable for as long as possible.  

However, the desire to avoid pain can be pursued in one of two ways.   Resist making heart connections so that when the inevitable occurs - it SEEMS less painful.  But that didn't work for me in the case of Sagan.  Not that I sought to avoid making a connection - life just happened.   I hardly knew her, but I was torn with guilt that I hadn't.  Besides, the other effects of detachment brings a hardened character, a calloused heart and desensitization - Not Good Qualities to work for. 

The other option is to embrace the opportunity to connect.  Cherish the relationship.  Take every chance to express love and spend quality time.  This course creates a great deal of pain but also fills you with treasured memories, increases the quality of your life, and there are no regrets.  

As Tennyson famously said, 

                  "It is better to have loved and lost, 
                   than to never have loved at all"

The losing someone is guarenteed.  Better love them while you can.