The other day I was being interviewed for a renewal of my
temple recommend. The questions were
fairly simple to answer and there was a certain amount of “Whew – (wipe
forehead) I must be doing something right” feeling. But I was surprised how one question has
lingered in my thoughts as I’ve wondered if I was accurate in my answer. I don’t recall the exact wording, but it’s
the question that asks if I am honest in all my dealings with my fellow men. Up until recently, I felt I had been. Now I’m beginning to wonder if that question
has more layers than I first imagined.
MY FIRST EFFORT
When I was in High School, I was probably a typical
teen. Ultimately good but had practices
that were a bit borderline. At college I
recognized that one of those borderline behaviors had become a polished skill – I was
really good at lying. I don’t recall
practicing or even intentionally trying to be deceptive, but I could very
convincingly alter the facts to portray whatever image or story I was promoting
at the time. Nothing major, mind you,
but those “little white lies” came incredibly easy for me. It came in handy when working on a secret
surprise for someone or making myself look more innocent than I truly was. I’m not sure what triggered the desire to
alter this skill but at some point I decided that I was going to be 100%
honest. No more white lies, no more
“what they don’t know won’t hurt them”, no more half-truths – just the bone
back facts.
And that’s when I really began to see how gifted of a liar I
was. I had the force (think star wars)… the
force of habit. There was immense pain
as I would automatically alter the details (with no perceived purpose for doing
so) out of habit. I recall one incident
that involved tickets for a performance on campus. It would have been so easy to fudge on the
details of my status and gotten the tickets for a greatly reduced rate and I
began to do so, but something helped me (maybe a still small voice) to correct
the misunderstanding and pay full rate.
And surprising to me, I FELT
GLORIOUS. The rush from being honest
was 10 times the rush from getting a cheaper ticket. I couldn’t believe how enlarged my soul felt
for doing such a simple little thing. What do drugs/alcohol have to offer
compared to this?
After that episode, I knew that my priorities had changed permanently. Honesty truly was the best policy.
DECEPTIONS ALL AROUND
For about 25 years now, I’ve answered that “honesty”
question in the affirmative because I thought I had conquered that
mountain. Telling the truth had become
as much a habit for me now as the stretching it had been before.
However, during the last several years, I’ve noticed an
increasing level of discomfort for things that I never paid attention to
before. Maybe my “honesty” mission had
gone to the extreme, because things like magicians [sleight of hand], actors
[pretended identity], and even comedy [anything for a laugh] were seen as
different flavors of deception and false images. The great social and time pressures,
even as
adults, promote falsehoods such as “keep up with the Jones’s”, “let’s not, and
say we did”, or agree to having read contracts that haven’t actually been read
(one of my great weaknesses, I’m afraid).
Even noble intentions such as having compassion toward
others used a certain amount of duplicity under the titles of being ‘tactful’
[Does this make me look fat] or ‘diplomatic’ [common ground with an ulterior
motive]. Setting goals and stating
positive affirmations with the philosophy of “Fake it till you make it” is a
“believe and you can achieve” pretense.
Whether it is the creation process or not doesn’t change the fact that
it is a discrepancy from the current reality.
Plato, in setting up an “ideal” society considered which
approach should be used in regard to the teaching of young children. He identified that we could teach truth… or we
could teach lies – and of course we would begin their learning with lies. I was appalled as I realized that is
exactly what we do with all the fairy tales, fables, tall tales, and other
fictional stories. I recall my niece’s
confession that she felt betrayed by her parents when she found out about Santa
Claus. At the time, I was amused by her
comment but now wondered about the value of that tradition.
Yep - Society is dripping in Deception.
And this past month, I finally realized that society has a
double standard of ethics. One for
personal (or religious) and one for games.
WIN – at the expense of another, take advantage of the opponent’s
weakness, strategize to prevent their advancement, steal the ball, etc. Even my scriptural heroes of Ammon and
Captain Moroni used guile and strategy to accomplish their objectives.
A NECESSARY EVIL
In most cases, honesty trumps deception, but I get how
living in an imperfect world requires altercations from the ideal. Immanual
Kant helped me to realize this. He
believed honesty in ALL situations was necessary… so if the authorities came to
his door and asked if he had Jews in his house, he would not only confirm the
suspicion with an affirmative, but take them to the hiding place. But to be fair, he would be known for his
impeccable honesty and the Jews knew he wouldn’t lie for them.
I, however, believe that preserving a life from an evil is a
greater good than keeping my word, in that respect. And so, Yes, I believe we must take the spirit to be our guide to
discern between absolute or relative ethics in any particular situation, or to
discern between being without guile or using strategy for a greater good.
SOCIETY TO SELF
Keeping up with the Joneses may be a worldly pursuit, but “Keeping
Up Appearances” is evident on multiple levels.
Social media is gaining the reputation of displaying only
the good that is happening in one’s life (with the occasional rant). Which doesn’t show a complete well rounded
picture of one’s genuine status.
There is the self-betrayal that might happens at every
choice. If I choose to follow my inner
voice, everything is fine, but when I choose contrary to my true self, not only
am I being deceitful to myself, I am disempowered at making the next choice
correctly or experiencing happiness as a result. Gotta stay the course so I don’t have to eat
crow.
A believer in Christ is still only human and prone to
weaknesses. It’s a delicate business
finding the balance between genuine humility and confidence in Christ. Sadly, many don’t find that balance very
easily and become hypocrites because their effort. I would fall into that category more often
than I like. A trapped into being a hypocrite (explained in greater detail here) is another example
of not being honest with self. And there
is an unspoken standard to preach the gospel without indicating personal
failure or weakness – as if the Bishop is the only one that the spiritually
sick are to receive the administrations from the great physician or that others
cannot benefit from my brokenness. It’s
not true, but it the socially acceptable behavior. Ironically, the very first step in the
repentance process is to honestly admit that I am powerless to overcome my
struggles on my own and that my life has become unmanageable. That takes a huge amount of honesty with self
and with God. It goes back to the drawing the line and clarifying which part is mine and which part is
yours.
We all want to have our act together and somewhere along the
lines, that seems to be defined as being happy… all the time. There is great pressure to not allow others
to see or even to experience pain… or confusion… or cry… or are less than… or
are lonely… or vulnerable to weakness… or slobs… or are sad… or poor… or… the
list goes on and on. As if being {fill
in the blank} is a sin or causing harm to society at large. Worth our sympathy but not our empathy. Good intentioned advice might be to “Choose
out of it”, “make a state change”, “don’t let others know”, or “ignore it and
it will go away”. The only problem I’m seeing
with this is that it denies what IS before trying to change it. There is value in experiencing and “BEING” and
these consequences are set in place for a learning opportunity – not a hiding
opportunity.
And I’ve recently become acutely aware of the damaging
effects of not being brutally honest emotionally. Stuffing the emotions or adopting the “voice” of shame rather than identifying what I feel,
experiencing it,determine its truthfulness and then letting it go or choosing to learn from it. Emotional honesty is nothing more than a conscious awareness of what is going on in my internal world and am willing to share with others what I feel, perceive, think, understand, etc. Emotional dishonesty can exhibit itself through procrastination, manipulation, pride, entitlement mentality, reacting in fear, denial, agreeing with shame messages, selfishness, blaming, judging, and even physical illness. It’s such an abstract experience, it’s hard to identify, but the negative results caused by emotional ‘shtuff’-ing indicates another level of keeping up appearances that’s not based on truth. One can not be honest and emotional dishonest at the same time. And that reality hurts.
IN SEARCH OF PERSONAL HONESTY
With heightened awareness of these varied levels of honesty,
I’m not sure how to sincerely answer the temple recommend interview question. But an additional perk is I’m making more
effort at BEING, being okay with my vulnerability or brokenness, feeling my
emotions and internally processing what that means, and seeking Christ more
fully in my efforts to be his disciple.
And I'll work on not entering so many contracts if I don't want to read them (wink)
And I'll work on not entering so many contracts if I don't want to read them (wink)
