To Thine Own Self, Be True

I’ve got a new son. 

Not through birth or a bonus son (aka son-in-law).  We thought we’d try a foreign exchange student this year and it has been a glorious experience.  The struggles of responsibility, cleanliness, and social personality that I have with my own children, are among his many strong points and it has truly been a pleasure (and a needed reprieve) of having a child who cheerfully and willingly does his chores without being nagged.  Or who knows how to have fun, even the life of the party, and still responsible for his own education at the same time.   His parents must have raised him right and I’m able to enjoy the benefits of their labors.  He is just an all-around good kid. 

In the course of a discussion with him, he revealed that all these attributes that I’m so admiring (and appreciating) are only a façade.  A great big lie.  He admitted that he lies to everyone because he doesn’t like himself (hates, I think was the term he used - with a great deal of vehemence in his voice).  Because his true self is lazy, selfish, a recluse, a slob, and the sort.  It was through reflection of these “true” traits that he decided to fake it and act like he is something he’s not.

 

Of course, I feel he is being too hard on himself and isn’t nearly as bad as indicated simply by the mere fact he is being proactive in altering his behavior.   Maybe self-loathing and attempting to deceive the world wasn’t the best approach but behaving in the manner in which he desired definitely is.

And I feel he’s operating under a misunderstanding of what his true nature is.  I think most of us do.  This discussion among other events have been the catalyst for my musings on the true self.  And as irony would have it, there is a huge movement of authenticity in the world… and yet very few are clear on what it means to be authentic. 

Natural Man:  Is it to be your physical self – carnal and lazy and selfish, pursuing your own interests and wants?  This is what I feel my new “son” may have perceived as his true character.  The physical body has all sorts of “comfortable” demands and is motivated in a variety of animalistic qualities. Addictions of pornography, drugs, drunkenness, video games, gov’t hand-outs, and free-for-all sex result in celebrating and honoring this type of authenticity.  Although the body is part of our character, it is only half of the equation, and the half that needs improvement I might add.

Familiarity:  Is a genuine person one who is true to their upbringing or the way they were raised.  A type of familiarity or loyalty to and honoring of their heritage.   I’ve seen this in the big ticket items such as political views, religion, and personal values, as well as many trivial items such as the brand of hot chocolate or evening routines. With so many pressures placed on us to conform to society’s standards, it’s easy to see how a person may feel a sense of authenticity by choosing the familiar.

Purpose:  Or is a bone fide person one who stands up for their beliefs, a person of integrity.  The type of person who isn’t swayed by convenience or social pressures.  I can easily understand how a sense of purpose or mission could be equated with arriving to oneself.    

Honesty: Or maybe self-validity is a type of arriving to maturity or emotional honesty.  A heightened sense of self-awareness or transparency in your dealings and motives. 

Child of God: All of the previous possibilities can be categorized as the world’s view, while Heaven’s view might look a little differently.  Our origins began long before our taking a stand for a cause, before inner deceptions or developments, before our upbringing, even prior to our having a physical body.   Authenticity in this category lies in the knowledge (which then produces a behavior consistent with the knowledge) of being children of God and heirs to his kingdom.  A disciple of Christ.   Being genuine spiritually recognizes God’s call to them, deep within their heart, and the yearning to return to their spiritual home.  

All of these possibilities ring true as being “authentic” and it may simply be a matter of which type of genuineness you are referring to.

How inauthenticity begins

I find it intriguing how one might wander away from their true self or become inauthentic.  Obviously societal pressures and expectations have a great deal to do with it.  Probably one of the many paradoxes – first creating inauthenticity and then promoting its opposite.  

Or another contributing factor may be the social game of anticipating what we think the other person wants and then accommodating.  This tradition of lying becomes an easy habit that is not only difficult to stop, it muddles any concept of truth about self or genuine relationships. 

Possibly it began through parents and teachers, with good intentions mind you, modifying a child’s behavior through rewards and punishments.  It may have manipulated the child to get what they wanted but had the unexpected byproduct of creating a false motivation. 

Perhaps, as a child experienced an emotion or thought that was not validated by others, or worse – rejected, those shame messages received would result in a natural self-preservation to hide, conceal, or protect oneself from being vulnerable again.  Thus inauthenticity.

Of course, education has had its influence as well.  Darwinism, being taught in our schools, is probably the most damaging of all the anti-Christ agendas.  To believe humans were created by mere chance and that we originate from evolved animals, denies the very root of one’s true self as God’s divine offspring.  Operating on a false understanding of what one’s true self is would make it a little challenging to be true to yourself. 

Yeah, I think there is plenty of potential causes to put on a mask and become an actor on the stage of life.  To join the masquerade and keep others (and ourselves) guessing about our true identity.  But WHY?

Why be authentic?

If everybody’s doing it, why try to become genuine? It would definitely make the odd man out.  I think there is something so rewarding, so soul expanding, so liberating when we are honest to ourselves and to others.  The shackles of bondage simply fall away as we communicate openly and pursue honorably a life of genuineness.  There is inner peace, self-satisfaction, joy, and the ability to really love. 

When compared to the benefits of living a façade (self-protection, selfishness, fitting in with the crowd, the ease of our default behavior, etc.) it should make the choice pretty simple.  However, I don’t think people realize they are making a choice or even looking at the comparison. 

Hopefully this little outline helps in identifying the comparison for others as it has for me.

My “son” may have lied or become inauthentic on many levels.  As have I, as outlined HERE.  My hope would be that he would define what his genuine self is, choose whether to honor it, and abandon the self-loathing so that he can love himself as much as I do. 

Having a Christ- Sharing Home

The following is a copy of a talk I gave in church on Oct 29th, 2017.  Of course the spoken version may not have followed exactly but this was the written plan in my preparations. 

I am truly grateful for this opportunity to speak to you today.  Not because I desire to stand in front of you but rather I am grateful for the shot in the arm, having to speak does for my desire to study and internalize the concepts that are going to be shared. 

As President Anderson spoke to us last Sunday, I was impressed with his emphasis that in these troubling times, the key ingredient to enduring them is faith in Christ, as well as the importance of our sharing packets of light and truth with others.  Apparently it had the same effect on Brother Spain because having a Christ-sharing home is what I’ve been asked to speak on today. 

Although President Anderson never mentioned it, his remarks brought to mind and made more powerfully of an understanding the scripture mastery found in 2 Nephi 25:23, 26.

For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.

 And we talk of Christ we rejoice in Christ we preach of Christ, we prophecy of Christ and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

So like all good beginnings, let’s start by asking – WHY?

Why Christ?

Why the focus on the home?

Why Share?

Why Christ?

As I was asking this question in my mind, I reflected on the many philosophies and worldviews that are so prevalent in society today that don’t include Christ as an essential element.  I currently am teaching a class called “His Hands” – it’s kind of a service club.  And I’ve kind of been surprised by the amount of goodness that exists in the world.  There are a good deal of service organizations outside of any religious association. The government has organized efforts and programs for every kind of need.  And Pinterest if chock full of the cutesy aspects of Random Acts of Kindness. 

The humanist movement – which is the philosophy taught in our schools – honors everything that is noble and worthy about humans without the need of a Savior.  Basically good Christians without Christ. 

Science is making great strides in explaining the “mysteries” of the world.  And there are multitudes of philosophies that explain away the need for the old fashioned mentality of religion.  So why Christ?  If there is plenty of evidence that a good and honorable life can exist without him and there is sufficient doubts to question the old ways, why do we, still feel that He is so essential?  Why do we labor so diligently to persuade our children to believe in him?

Salvation. Aside from the fact that God IS love and the light of Christ is the source of all internal goodness in humans, Salvation is the key.  We cannot build a tower of Babel by our goodness.  No amount of good in the world can EVER “earn us” salvation.  Christ is the gatekeeper, the ONLY entrance into the presence of God. 

Several days ago, Pablo (my foreign exchange student son), and I were having a discussion.  He is a lover of science and has a great aptitude for the scientific mind.  But he is not necessarily a religious person.  So we were discussing how a scientist will come to search for truth through the scientific method.  When they come to a point they don’t have understanding, they will continue the search through more theories and experimentation.  Whereas a religious person will eventually stop searching and end all unknown understandings with, what he felt was a cop-out, of “Because God made it that way”, or “we’ll find that out when we get to the other side”.    I can’t speak for others or what their motive may be, but I told him why I would say that to my children and also myself...  To instill faith.  Faith in Christ is THE objective.  Truth is wonderful and fascinating but it’s not the end all purpose, at least not in this life– Faith IS and more specifically faith in Christ.

President Uchtdorf counseled us to doubt our doubts before doubting our faith. So to the question of “Why Christ”, I am responding with “Why NOT Christ?”  What is so empowering to be without hope?  What is so wonderful about being without a Savior?  Why is it so liberating to believe I am alone?  And what does it say about ME weighing the legitimacy of philosophies that inflate my pride (such as success is based by my own genius or management or strength) or remove my guilt (such as there is no crime or sin). 

But skepticism aside, we know it is because of The PLAN.  The master purpose.  The Great Plan of Happiness.  We know there is a three-act play and we can only see the 2^nd act.  Life could be compared to playing a game we’ve never played before.  Only some are playing by observing the opponents moves to identify the objective rather than reading the instructions.  They may not understand the opponent’s strategy (or more likely it’s the blind leading the blind).     

Or another anology might be a school.  If we could just get our mind wrapped around the idea that Christ is the Master Teacher, the Universe is his classroom and the curriculum, what we are going to be taught about and be tested on, is the atonement of Christ.

Even as members in our faith, we sometimes forget the purpose.  My sister shared her eye-opening experience.  We’ve both been members all of our lives and the Mormon culture is hard-wired into our character.  She was studying Lehi’s vision when she was struck with significance of the Tree of Life.  Before she always felt the emphasis was to be placed on the Iron Rod, the straight and narrow path, or even how to avoid the mists of darkness or the Great and Spacious Building. But for the first time she took her attention off of her grip to the Iron Rod and instead looked to the Tree.  With her focus on Christ, there was never any desire or distraction from the Iron Rod.  It was about Christ.  The purpose of the Rod was Christ.  The straight and narrow path was about Christ.  It was a powerful realization for her.  Sometime after that she listened to General Conference and was a little shocked that every single speaker had their focus on Christ.  It was exhilarating to have such a clear perspective.  And then she went to church and the members spoke about what they got out of General Conference.  Some were on missionary work, some on tithing, some on living the law of the fast, some on our divine nature, some even on the plan of Salvation.  And she wept.  She wept because she could see that they were missing it.  The talk wasn’t on forgiveness, it was on Christ.  Yes, forgiveness may have been the tool or method that was used to point us to Christ, but the main point was “Come to Christ”.  Each topic was the means of pointing to Christ.  She could see how they were laboring diligently to persuade us to BELIEVE IN CHRIST.  And it broke her heart that she had missed it for all these years, she always saw church as a long list of compartmentalized do’s and don’ts.  A checklist with Jesus being a central figure but all the attention was on the little things that were supposed to point to Him.  She was looking at the rod, or in other words, looking to the scriptures to save her (For in them ye think ye have eternal life), but it is in looking to Christ Himself, that the promise is given. 

And ALL things testify of Christ.  The Scriptures, the living prophets, the Holy Ghost, the earth itself, the temple, the commandments, the family unit, Symbolism, the types and shadows, even our trials.  ALL things testify of and point to Christ.  He is the objective of our game, applying His atonement is the way to pass this exam.    

Why the Focus on the Home?

The house is simply a structure.  It has four walls and a roof.  But when compared to a Christ-Sharing Home that structure takes on much deeper meaning.  The foundation of the home is of course the Rock, Christ himself, as I’ve just outlined.  Christ is the foundation of our lives and the family is the foundational unit of society.  Those two foundations provide for a very sturdy base and potential influence.  The weight-bearing beams of the construction are those celestial traditions of daily Personal and family scripture study, daily personal and family prayer, Family Home evenings, church attendance, etc.  Maybe insignificant in and of themselves, but with repetition and consistency can withstand the fiercest storms and fiery darts of the adversary.  This home is powered by God because of obedience and service to our fellowmen.  This home is the medium with which we labor diligently to persuade our children to Believe in Christ.  We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, and we prophecy of Christ.  The home is also the medium with which we labor diligently to persuade our brethren to Believe in Christ through our example and light to the world

Elder Richard G. Scott said:

  “One of the greatest blessings we can offer to the world is the power of a
  Christ-Centered Home where the gospel is taught, covenants are kept,
  and love abounds.”

Why Share?

I’m a little hesitant to address this subject because of my tendency to weep whenever I think about it so please be gracious toward me as I attempt to do so. 

Missionary work has always been intimidating to me.  For years, I would cringe whenever that topic was addressed at the pulpit.  After being reconnected with some non-member friends, I experienced a daydream of sorts, where I was standing at the judgement bar with them.  As I was welcomed into the presence of the Lord, I looked back at my friends who were not.  I could see the tears and longing in their eyes and turning to me asked, “Why? Why didn’t you share with me what you knew?”  That vision has pulled at my heart ever since. 

This happened a little prior to the church’s efforts of “Hastening the Work” and so every conference address, sacrament meeting talk, and Sunday school or Relief Society lesson seemed to have the main desire of my heart.  It kept me laser focused and petitioning without weariness for a missionary experience.  My prayers became much more focused, sincere, and genuine, real prayers of faith, as I pleaded for the opportunity to be His instrument in bringing sheep to the fold.  I ached at the idea of my friends not having been invited to hear the good news and I sought every opportunity I could to do so.  I engaged in theology discussions, facebook posts, personal connections, and even blogging. 

Unfortunately, to this day, I’ve never had anyone convert to the gospel or find their way to Christ but I have had one apostate, one anti-Christ, one bizzaro worldview after another.   Atheist, Agnostic, Deist, Pagan, Cosmic Humanist, and lots of other philosophies I don’t even know how to label.  I was given missionary opportunities all around me.  I testified boldly, inviting and discussing at length.  I defended my God and gained a love for his children that I’ve never experienced before.  I studied “why Christ” or “Why I believe” extensively and had my faith fortified again and again.   In hindsight, I was blessed with many assurances and tender mercies that my prayers were being heard but it still has been fairly difficult to have a track record of planting seeds without any harvesting. 

I remember questioning why this might be the case… and then I had the thought that I had prayed that I would be able to love His children the way that He loves them.  I’m noticing that for some reason, God seems to answer those “Becoming” prayers a lot faster than the “I Want” prayers.   Maybe because that is part of our purpose for this earth experience – to become like Him.  I know my heart is in the right place, I’m learning to love others genuinely and want to offer them my most valuable gift, and I’m learning to become at peace, if they choose a different route,  I’m learning to love has he loves them.

So in conclusion, having a Christ-sharing home is part of the process of laboring diligently to persuade our children and also our brethren to believe in Christ and to be reconciled to (or restore those separated relationships with) God for we know that it is by grace we are saved – not our own genius, strength, management of the creature, goodness, or tower of Babel.  As we strengthen our own relationship with Christ, the natural byproduct will be a Christ-sharing home. 

He Loves Me Not . . . or Not?

He loves me . . . He loves me not . . . He loves me . . . He loves me not . . . 

That’s how it has felt over the past several years.  Like my heart was on a yo-yo of feeling His love and then having to choose to believe His love was there whether I felt it or not. 

What is the true definition of love anyway?  A warm fuzzy feeling inside?  A providing for other’s needs? An intense feeling of deep affection?  A verbal expression of adoration?  An acceptance and peaceful interaction with others despite differences?  

I know everyone has their own version of personal trials and mine seems to be in the financial arena. I don’t want to complain on how difficult life has been, however, one probably ought to get a sense of where we were. So I’m going to name a few of the going ons this past while.

1.       Five drivers schedules with only one vehicle (we had three but they all died within a two week period of time – we used our potential Christmas money to fix the jeep enough to get it to work).

2.       Sending a missionary out into the field

3.       Food purchases being a once a year deal – tax refund that purchased the ever tasteful and variety filled (sense the sarcasm) basic food storage (have I mentioned that two of us can’t eat wheat – which makes life interesting) or the occasional Bishop’s Storehouse.

4.       Work seemed to stop during the winter months – well the work never stopped but the ability to produce income did.  

5.       Scarcity mentality – I don’t recommend it.  A constant feeling of not having enough.

6.       Health problems – I know breathing might be overrated but then again… 

7.       Road blocks – repeatedly and constantly.  Even when having to  donate plasma to pay the bills, we'd get deferred for lack of sufficient protein in the blood.  

8.       Hospitalization for my son, which reduced me to my hypocritic status toward my own principles (see The Pains of Progress)

9.       Creditors – gotta love them.  Or maybe they love us due to their frequent calls, texts, and (dis)connections.

10.   A repeating pattern of insufficiency.  Causing a belief that we were stuck in this caste system, unable to rise above our circumstances. 

A number of years ago, my oldest and first daughter got married.  It was a crazy busy time with traumas going on with the extended family, a daughter serving in the mission field, transitions of both occupations and housing, and the holidays soon approaching.  I don’t recall having a childhood dream for my children’s weddings but I just kinda supposed I would help make it a beautiful event and fulfill the “brides” responsibilities of paying for the reception.  Well, I have to admit, it was a beautiful event.  The decorations were breathtaking, the mood and spirit of the reception was relaxed and inviting, and every thing seemed to work like clockwork.  My cost in all this - $2.00.  Yep and it was a sacrifice on my part.  I remember (dollar-store) thumb tacks and pens.  Everything else was donated or volunteered.  The cake, the refreshments, the dress, the backdrop, even the little mini-lights that gave such a luminescent effect in the centerpieces.  Everything.  And I felt like a total failure.  It’s not that I wasn’t grateful that so many people were gracious and that the result was fantastic – it was because I felt I hadn’t done my part. I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do. 

Fast forward to this last Christmas.  I had made a list and got a good idea of Christmas gifts that would be meaningful and needful for our Christmas celebration.  Wanting to keep our traditions, I strove with every opportunity to accumulate the desired gifts.  And with each time I had money in my hands, it went out just as fast to some other pressing urgency, mostly so that my husband could keep working.  Not only was I not getting the gifts I wanted, our mortgage and food and power were being paid for by the Bishop.  So according to all the famous Christmas stories where it was a meager means but found some meaningful treasure in spite of the scarcity, or a secret santa provided a small token – Nope.  My bedroom became the loading docks.  I think it was 13 garbage bags – FULL.  Not just secret santa, but quality used stuff as well.  I didn’t have enough wrapping paper and on Christmas morning, we had to take a break from sorting through all the shtuff because the abundance was too exhausting.  This wasn’t the first Christmas that we’ve had amazing contributions but it was one of the most difficult.  Not because we didn’t have enough, but because we had soooooo much and it wasn’t from my efforts – it was just given to me. And I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do.

Then this last week, it happened again.  Got a call out of the blue from someone who recently heard of our financial plight.  She just offered her van – no strings attached.  She had more vehicles than she needed, we had less than needed, so she just gave it to us.  A true application of the Law of Consecration.  And it’s not just a van with adequate seats, but it has all the bells and whistles.  DVD player, 6 CD changer, Navigation system with the back-up video thingy, leather heated seats, rear thermometer and entertainment controls, consistent maintenance so that it’s in good shape.  You name it, it is uptown, especially when compared to what we’ve been driving. (a gimping along, four-passenger jeep).  Still gaping about this one.  I tried to justify that we didn’t need it (we desperately needed it, but not as much as several months before) and I tried to come up with funds to actually purchase it. Nope.  Just swallow any self-respect and accept it humbly and gratefully.  Again, I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do.

So He Love Me (provides the atonement, this plan of happiness, personal testimony of my Savior) . . . He Love Me Not (roadblocks, insufficiency, inabilities, personal trials) . . . He Love Me (increased ability to BE like him, feeling the warm fuzzies, feeling his intense feelings of deep affection) . . . He Loves Me Not (His promises don’t seem to be playing out, feeling alone, feeling trapped) . . . He Loves Me (seeing and feeling tender mercies, patience to see that his promises are playing out – according to his schedule, not mine, my needs are being provided for but at the expense of my pride)

So although I haven't been able to do what I wanted to do, I am seeing that something MORE is happening to me than the simple pride of being able to do it myself.  It remind me of one of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes:

"Give me ALL.  I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work:  I want You.  I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it.  No half-measures are any good.  I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the tree down... Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit.  I will give you a new self instead.  In fact, I will give you Myself: my own shall become yours"

"Imagine yourself as a living house.  God comes in to rebuild that house.  At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.  He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.  But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.  What on earth is He up to?  The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.  You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage; but he is building a palace.  He intends to come and live in it Himself."

Although I may not understand (or like) my trials, I can see it as yet more evidence that He Loves Me.

I'm HONESTLY DisHonest

The other day I was being interviewed for a renewal of my temple recommend.  The questions were fairly simple to answer and there was a certain amount of “Whew – (wipe forehead) I must be doing something right” feeling.  But I was surprised how one question has lingered in my thoughts as I’ve wondered if I was accurate in my answer.  I don’t recall the exact wording, but it’s the question that asks if I am honest in all my dealings with my fellow men.  Up until recently, I felt I had been.  Now I’m beginning to wonder if that question has more layers than I first imagined.

MY FIRST EFFORT

When I was in High School, I was probably a typical teen.  Ultimately good but had practices that were a bit borderline.  At college I recognized that one of those borderline behaviors had become a polished skill  – I was really good at lying.  I don’t recall practicing or even intentionally trying to be deceptive, but I could very convincingly alter the facts to portray whatever image or story I was promoting at the time.  Nothing major, mind you, but those “little white lies” came incredibly easy for me.  It came in handy when working on a secret surprise for someone or making myself look more innocent than I truly was.  I’m not sure what triggered the desire to alter this skill but at some point I decided that I was going to be 100% honest.  No more white lies, no more “what they don’t know won’t hurt them”, no more half-truths – just the bone back facts.

 

And that’s when I really began to see how gifted of a liar I was.  I had the force (think star wars)… the force of habit.  There was immense pain as I would automatically alter the details (with no perceived purpose for doing so) out of habit.  I recall one incident that involved tickets for a performance on campus.  It would have been so easy to fudge on the details of my status and gotten the tickets for a greatly reduced rate and I began to do so, but something helped me (maybe a still small voice) to correct the misunderstanding and pay full rate.  And surprising to me, I FELT GLORIOUS.  The rush from being honest was 10 times the rush from getting a cheaper ticket.  I couldn’t believe how enlarged my soul felt for doing such a simple little thing. What do drugs/alcohol have to offer compared to this?

After that episode, I knew that my priorities had changed permanently.  Honesty truly was the best policy. 

DECEPTIONS ALL AROUND

For about 25 years now, I’ve answered that “honesty” question in the affirmative because I thought I had conquered that mountain.  Telling the truth had become as much a habit for me now as the stretching it had been before. 

However, during the last several years, I’ve noticed an increasing level of discomfort for things that I never paid attention to before.  Maybe my “honesty” mission had gone to the extreme, because things like magicians [sleight of hand], actors [pretended identity], and even comedy [anything for a laugh] were seen as different flavors of deception and false images.  The great social and time pressures, 

even as adults, promote falsehoods such as “keep up with the Jones’s”, “let’s not, and say we did”, or agree to having read contracts that haven’t actually been read (one of my great weaknesses, I’m afraid).  

Even noble intentions such as having compassion toward others used a certain amount of duplicity under the titles of being ‘tactful’ [Does this make me look fat] or ‘diplomatic’ [common ground with an ulterior motive].  Setting goals and stating positive affirmations with the philosophy of “Fake it till you make it” is a “believe and you can achieve” pretense.  Whether it is the creation process or not doesn’t change the fact that it is a discrepancy from the current reality.

Plato, in setting up an “ideal” society considered which approach should be used in regard to the teaching of young children.  He identified that we could teach truth… or we could teach lies – and of course we would begin their learning with lies.     I was appalled as I realized that is exactly what we do with all the fairy tales, fables, tall tales, and other fictional stories.   I recall my niece’s confession that she felt betrayed by her parents when she found out about Santa Claus.   At the time, I was amused by her comment but now wondered about the value of that tradition.

Yep - Society is dripping in Deception.

And this past month, I finally realized that society has a double standard of ethics.  One for personal (or religious) and one for games.  WIN – at the expense of another, take advantage of the opponent’s weakness, strategize to prevent their advancement, steal the ball, etc.  Even my scriptural heroes of Ammon and Captain Moroni used guile and strategy to accomplish their objectives. 

A NECESSARY EVIL

In most cases, honesty trumps deception, but I get how living in an imperfect world requires altercations from the ideal. Immanual Kant helped me to realize this.  He believed honesty in ALL situations was necessary… so if the authorities came to his door and asked if he had Jews in his house, he would not only confirm the suspicion with an affirmative, but take them to the hiding place.  But to be fair, he would be known for his impeccable honesty and the Jews knew he wouldn’t lie for them.

I, however, believe that preserving a life from an evil is a greater good than keeping my word, in that respect.  And so, Yes, I believe we must take the spirit to be our guide to discern between absolute or relative ethics in any particular situation, or to discern between being without guile or using strategy for a greater good. 

SOCIETY TO SELF

Keeping up with the Joneses may be a worldly pursuit, but “Keeping Up Appearances” is evident on multiple levels. 

Social media is gaining the reputation of displaying only the good that is happening in one’s life (with the occasional rant).  Which doesn’t show a complete well rounded picture of one’s genuine status.

There is the self-betrayal that might happens at every choice.  If I choose to follow my inner voice, everything is fine, but when I choose contrary to my true self, not only am I being deceitful to myself, I am disempowered at making the next choice correctly or experiencing happiness as a result.  Gotta stay the course so I don’t have to eat crow. 

A believer in Christ is still only human and prone to weaknesses.  It’s a delicate business finding the balance between genuine humility and confidence in Christ.  Sadly, many don’t find that balance very easily and become hypocrites because their effort.  I would fall into that category more often than I like.  A trapped into being a hypocrite (explained in greater detail here) is another example of not being honest with self.  And there is an unspoken standard to preach the gospel without indicating personal failure or weakness – as if the Bishop is the only one that the spiritually sick are to receive the administrations from the great physician or that others cannot benefit from my brokenness.  It’s not true, but it the socially acceptable behavior.  Ironically, the very first step in the repentance process is to honestly admit that I am powerless to overcome my struggles on my own and that my life has become unmanageable.  That takes a huge amount of honesty with self and with God.  It goes back to the drawing the line and clarifying which part is mine and which part is yours. 

We all want to have our act together and somewhere along the lines, that seems to be defined as being happy… all the time.  There is great pressure to not allow others to see or even to experience pain… or confusion… or cry… or are less than… or are lonely… or vulnerable to weakness… or slobs… or are sad… or poor… or… the list goes on and on.   As if being {fill in the blank} is a sin or causing harm to society at large.  Worth our sympathy but not our empathy.  Good intentioned advice might be to “Choose out of it”, “make a state change”, “don’t let others know”, or “ignore it and it will go away”.  The only problem I’m seeing with this is that it denies what IS before trying to change it.  There is value in experiencing and “BEING” and these consequences are set in place for a learning opportunity – not a hiding opportunity. 

And I’ve recently become acutely aware of the damaging effects of not being brutally honest emotionally.  Stuffing the emotions or adopting the “voice” of shame rather than identifying what I feel, experiencing it,determine its truthfulness and then letting it go or choosing to learn from it.   Emotional honesty is nothing more than a conscious awareness of what is going on in my internal world and am willing to share with others what I feel, perceive, think, understand, etc.  Emotional dishonesty can exhibit itself through procrastination, manipulation, pride, entitlement mentality, reacting in fear, denial, agreeing with shame messages, selfishness, blaming, judging, and even physical illness.  It’s such an abstract experience, it’s hard to identify, but the negative results caused by emotional ‘shtuff’-ing indicates another level of keeping up appearances that’s not based on truth.  One can not be honest and emotional dishonest at the same time.  And that reality hurts.

IN SEARCH OF PERSONAL HONESTY

With heightened awareness of these varied levels of honesty, I’m not sure how to sincerely answer the temple recommend interview question.  But an additional perk is I’m making more effort at BEING, being okay with my vulnerability or brokenness, feeling my emotions and internally processing what that means, and seeking Christ more fully in my efforts to be his disciple.

And I'll work on not entering so many contracts if I don't want to read them (wink)

A Prescription for Mankind

My son is impressive, I have to admit.  Recently, the idea was suggested that he may benefit from hormone treatment.  When I first heard this, it was like various flashing colored lights went off in my head and thousands of repeating dings sounded in my ear as the confirmation to explain his struggles.  See he is 16 years old....  And he still throws the biggest tantrum fits and booby displays at the least bit of opposition, just like a young toddler would throw.

Now I admit this has been a small source of embarrassment but mostly it has been irritating that I haven't been able to help him "grow up" and be a man.  To develop some sort of emotional resilency because our life (for some unexplainable reason) seems to be more on the chaotic and not-as-smooth-as-the-Joneses side of things.  It's not been a good combination for him.  And to have those circumstances with no coping ability has really worn on my patience.  Time-outs, natural consequences, and all other parenting techniques have seemed to fail in making any type of "lesson learned" result.  And so a "throw my hands in the air" and "roll my eyes" has become my default for his behavior.

Well, with the possibility that he is lacking the chemical make-up to be mature, my perspective has changed a little.  The other day he was working on his algebra studies.  And needless to say, it was getting frustrating to him that what he thought he understood as the process was lacking the discipline of regular practice to internalize.  I remember experiencing that same greivance as I was learning algebra so I can appreciate where he was coming from.  But as usual, his response was a little out of proportion to the frustration of a new learning curve (That's a polite way of saying he was being a big baby)

I observed his out-of-control response and then noticed that (this time) his struggles were really a valiant attempt to conquer the emotional instability.  Mind you, he wasn't succeeding, but I could see that he really was trying to subdue what he was feeling.  If he truly is lacking hormones, than the ability to be in control is non-existent.  So I was much more merciful and understanding of his struggles.  I do have some sense of compassion left.  

I couldn't help but think of my own "inabilities" to behave or become how I desperately want to.  It truely is exasperating.  And then I thought about how all of mankind could be compared to my son and his insufficient hormones.  We have the potential to be so much more than we currently are in our fallen state.  But even potential needs a little intervention in order to progess or develop at some point.

It isn't until we come unto Christ, the true physician, that we receive our (comparable hormone) treatment to rise above what our best efforts can produce alone.  The irony is we have to put forth our best effort, have tests run on the disease symptoms we are experiencing (after all we can do), and go to our appointment with the doctor (come unto Christ) before we can have the desired prescription.

And so, once again, a new perspective is changing my viewpoint toward mankind.  Could it be that everyone truly IS doing the best they can with what they've been given.  Or in this case, what they haven't been given.  Our fallen nature is lacking, whether that's a spiritual hormone, or the discipline of regular practice to internalize virtue.  But no matter how valiently we attempt to rise above, a prescription is necessary and has to be sought after.

Doc Terminus from Pete's Dragon

I know the world has LOTS of prescriptions for mankind on how to make them happy or healthy or wealthy or any and all desireable objectives.  Experts seem to have the formula or remedy for every type of ailment. It makes me think of the con artist doctors, traveling from town to town with the cure-all remedy in a brown bottle (which was really a placebo) in order to make a profit.  But like many doctors out there who prescribe a pain killer or band-aid versus a healer who finds the source of the problem and addresses the real issue, worldly prescriptions may appear to fix it, but the underlying deficit still exists.

The creator himself not only can make-up the difference, where we lack.  He IS the difference.  He IS the master healer.  Whatever chemical ingredient is missing for our growth, He IS the Source to obtain it.

The Pains of Progress

I’m feeling stuck between sins. 

I’m not sure that’s possible but that is how I’m feeling.

I’ll try and relate this internal turmoil as best I can but know that this is a very personal struggle and based on my growth insights, so it may be difficult to explain to any degree of comprehension.

Sin #1 – First, a little background.  As I began my homeschool journey, the world of opportunities opened up to me.  Among those was the idea that I could be a person of principle.  Making decisions and impacting others in a positive manner based on correct governing principles.  Of course I was already making decisions and impacting others previously - but the basis for my decisions were very selfish and immature in nature.  Hardly something I wanted to have emulated.   Such as what is convenient and easy . . . or costs less . . . or everybody else is doing . . . or gives me the most gain . . . or makes me look good . . . or satisfies my five senses . . . or is the most fun . . . or even because it’s tradition.

Pretty shallow motives for living life. 

But as I began to study people throughout history, I began to notice that the choices they made were for a nobler purpose.   Such as what is morally and ethically RIGHT (which in our day is rarely convenient, easy, cheap, popular, fun, profitable, palatable, fashionable, or socially acceptable).  It was an internal government rather than an external motivation.  A higher intent rather than a base objective.  I began to feel inspired by their greatness and desire to make my life matter – not necessarily to be seen by others but because I wanted to look back on my life with satisfaction without regrets.  I wanted to be good.  And for the first time I was seeing the discrepancy between choosing the right (CTR – if I’d been commanded in what to choose) and BE-ing the right (choice at the heart level). 

At first, my becoming a person of principle was small.  I’d pay greater attention to political platforms rather than vote for the person whose name I saw the most on campaign signs (hey, at least I was voting, right).  I’d pick up some trash as I was walking, rather than passing by it for somebody else (I know someone was being paid to do it, but money was no longer the motive - improving the community was).   Eventually my choices were more personally painful but at the same time incredibly rewarding.  Such as when we stopped using Medicaid because I realized, it is the improper use of federal funds, and my using it was perpetuating a decline in our society – even though we have a diabetic son and couldn’t afford all that was required for his care.   I understand that is an unpopular opinion but I’ll have to save my defense of it for another day.

This is just a dappling of my journey but I fell in love with becoming a person of principle.  I liked myself better, I was investing in something bigger than myself, I was being the change I wanted to see in the world, rather than simply complaining about it.  I was proud of who I was becoming.

That brings me to sin #2.  Unrighteous Dominion.  I admit, I’ve struggled with this for most of my married life.  Granted, my husband traveling for the majority of the time, didn’t make things easy because I had to fill both parental roles while he was gone (maybe I should emphasize that I TRIED to – not very often was I successful).  And then when he was here, I’d try to just be the wife and mother – but he kept making foolish decisions, so I’d have to correct him, right.   Yeah, yeah yeah, I know.  I’d like to be able to justify my stepping on his toes or not honoring his role as I should, but just because I didn’t mean to sin, doesn’t change the fact that I was usurping his responsibilities.  It was degrading to him and not allowing him to rise to his potential.  I’ve repented of this tendency many times, but I still struggle a great deal.  I’m a work in progress. 

So with that little background, here’s my current conflict.  Several months ago, my diabetic son was hospitalized for Ketoacidosis.  I went through the game of all the hospital staff trying to persuade us to enroll in Medicaid because we don’t have insurance.  It would be sooooo much easier on our budget, and the cost of hospitalization would be horrendous, etc. etc. etc.  I even had an enlightening conversation with an extreme leftist who felt the honorable thing to do was to allow society to pay for our expenses.  

On and on and on was the campaign to have us conform to an incorrect principle.  But I’m proud to say, (there’s that word again) I resisted and we successfully had several outrageous bills from the Emergency Room doctor, the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, and the Pediatrician. 

Now there is a reason we don’t have insurance.  We can’t afford it.  My husband is one of the hardest working and diligent men I know, but I can’t say he’s ever been financially profitable.  So in other words, we are broke.   So about a month ago, I realized I was doing the whole unrighteous dominion thing again, by not even counseling with my husband on how we should deal with the new hospital bills.  After all, he is the one that is breaking his back trying to provide for this family.   So I sat down and discussed our situation with him.  I stated my preference and my acceptance of being in bondage to the hospital for the remainder of my life, if it meant that we are making a principled choice.  And then I asked what he thought we should do.   

And of all the nerve, he said he wanted to apply for Medicaid with the “justification” that we pay taxes and have probably paid that amount over the years, and others would have donated funds for our cause, if they knew it, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  Granted, he’s not taken the same journey that I have, but I thought we were on the same page as far as not supporting a flawed system. 

Obviously I’ve underestimated the pressures he’s been feeling at providing for all of us.  And so, after an internal analysis, I supported his decision and applied for Medicaid. 

. . . . . . . .   Just kill me now. 

And I’ll admit, it felt glorious to remove those 4-5 digit debts off our liabilities.  It really did.  I want to help alleviate as much stress as I can off his shoulders.  But now I’m in conflict cuz’ I’m adding hypocrisy to my list of sins. 

So are some sins justified?  Is Unrighteous Dominion a worse sin than pride in a noble thing or being a hypocrite to one’s own beliefs?  It would be wonderful if the Lord gave us the funds we needed in order to preserve my integrity so that I wouldn’t have to choose, but I get the suspicious feeling that he is making something bigger out of us than simply a welfare project.  How can I support my husband’s decision without feeling that I have cheated my posterity of the legacy they deserve?  Where is the compromise that brings peace of conscience?  I don’t know that I have the answers, but like all my prayers, if I am patient enough, things will eventually work out. 

But in the meantime, I want to publicly apologize and express appreciation to the millions of Americans who have been required through forced charity to donate their funds for my son’s medical needs.   As well as apologize for my inconsistent and weakness of character.  I know my favorite quote of “Be the Change you wish to see in the World” is not an easy challenge, and so I’ll continue to pursue it.  I'm just not sure how at the moment. 

Guarentees... Worth Loving For.

I haven't been able to write for awhile.  I've wanted to, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Now it seems as though I'm needing to push myself to write.  Hoping for healing and clarification and closure.

Death. . .

I’ve seen a lot of it lately.  I’m calling it “The Year of Death”. 

And not the they-lived-a-good-long-life-and-time-for-a-rest type death.  All of them have been completely unexpected and a shock.  Two took their own life and one was found dead from a seizure and another died suddenly from a heart aneurism.  And then my daughter’s dog was run over.   I’m hoping the year of death is coming to a close. 

Nate – my Nephew who has been battling depression.  I felt sorrow for the degree of pain he must have experienced and a little surprised he had the courage to follow through with his “stupid and selfish” plans.  Most of my anguish has been because of the heartache his suicide has brought to his family, his parents in particular as well as my daughter (who was his closest cousin). 

Sagan – my neice who suffered from seizures.  Interestingly enough, I cried the most over this loss – Maybe it was because the repeat of sorrow from Nate, maybe because I was in a place where I could cry uncontrollably and no one would notice, but more likely it was because I realized I never even knew her.  They posted pictures of her on facebook and I never would have recognized her as a family member.  It crushed me that I had failed in nurturing any type of relationship with her – just because she grew up in another state. 

Tracy – my brother-in-law and Nate’s father.  I still feel ashamed about this one.   I feel angry, frustrated, unresolved.  Yes, he lost his battle with depression and I’m sorry about that, but my anger is that our relationship with him and his relationship with God was strained, and he killed himself before setting it right.  I’m going to have to confess that this death is the one I’m struggling with the most and I’m not sure how to resolve it. 

Bill (Isaac) – my own flesh and blood brother.  His heart suddenly exploded and he left behind a sweet wife and four young children.  Of all the deaths, this one has been the easiest for me.  Maybe it’s because this has become familiar territory - dealing with death, but I think it’s more likely due that I have felt genuine peace.   I have had heavenly assurance that he is well and happy and that God is pleased with his faithful life.   Of all the sudden deaths – this is the one that did it right.

Ezry – Dakota’s puppy cure for her discouragement of breaking her other ankle.   I feel kind of silly adding a dog at the end of this list of family members but it has been a contributing factor in our family’s experience of death.  It was either the icing on the cake or it was a little too close to home for some of my children because this was also a painful loss.

We’ve had lots of talks and family discussions about death and reviewing the plan of salvation in an attempt to make sense of it all.  We cry at sporadic times and are surprised at how many areas of our life is affected by these.  

I never thought about death being done right before.  I mean, we all die.  100% of us will die.  That's a guarentee that we can all bank on.  And death causes pain to those who are left behind - 100% guarenteed.  Even hearing of one's death that we never knew causes a miniscule amount of pain (if we are honest with ourselves), compassion requires it.

So with those guarentees - death and pain - control seems out of the question.  But we do have some choice in the matter.   There is already a natural avoidance of death (unless your mental health is askew and you actually desire it) and so at least everyone is giving a fighting chance to prolong the inevitable for as long as possible.  

However, the desire to avoid pain can be pursued in one of two ways.   Resist making heart connections so that when the inevitable occurs - it SEEMS less painful.  But that didn't work for me in the case of Sagan.  Not that I sought to avoid making a connection - life just happened.   I hardly knew her, but I was torn with guilt that I hadn't.  Besides, the other effects of detachment brings a hardened character, a calloused heart and desensitization - Not Good Qualities to work for. 

The other option is to embrace the opportunity to connect.  Cherish the relationship.  Take every chance to express love and spend quality time.  This course creates a great deal of pain but also fills you with treasured memories, increases the quality of your life, and there are no regrets.  

As Tennyson famously said, 

                  "It is better to have loved and lost, 
                   than to never have loved at all"

The losing someone is guarenteed.  Better love them while you can.